Would you buy a car from this man? Lincoln thinks so.

Would you buy a car from this man?

Not going to review every damn spot. Too much work. Actually want to see this game, so The Lint Screen is going to spotlight most of them, but not all.

Another caveat: haven’t seen any of these spots beforehand, with the exception of the Doritos “Goat” spot (oops!). Didn’t want to get caught up in the hype. Want to see the spots with virgin eyes, in the context of commercial clutter.

Before we get started, Alicia Keys nailed “The Star Spangled Banner”–– amazing. That girl is on fire.

Budweiser introduces some new beer called Black Crown with a spot that has a bunch of hipsters dressed in black and they cheer a new beer for them. Kiss that $4 million goodbye. Pitiful.

Audi has an interesting tale of a guy who goes stag to the prom in his old man’s Audi. It gives him ballsy bravery to park in the principal’s spot and kiss the beautiful prom queen. He drives home with a black eye, and hollers happily. Nice.

Hyundai Sante Fe has a cool spot with a kid getting bullied and rounding up a team of brave compadres to challenge the punks. Engaging and good.

Go Daddy braves new territory by not showing exclusive T&A. No, now they have a fat geek French kissing a beauty. I believe there was supposed to be a strategic reason for this. Something about beauty and brains. Huh?

Pepsi Next has a spot that is awful. Next.

Best Buy gets Amy Poehler and makes her recite an unfunny script. Not a great buy of talent.

Budweiser Black Crown has an obnoxious spot showing the type of obnoxious creeps who’ll drink this stuff. Goth hipsters? No thanks.

Oreos has a terrific spot using the time honored strategy of people arguing on favorite attribute of product. “Cookie” or “Cream”– but this thing is ph-resh with the debate taking place in a library, getting hyper violent but always arguing in whispers. Oh, Weiden & Kennedy, you guys kick super ass. Great spot.

Toyota Rav 4 gives us a genie who misunderstands wishes and a whacky family asking for all sorts of things. It’s a wild ride that tries awfully hard with lots of special effects and overshadows the product. One can almost smell the flop sweat the creatives had trying to score on this.

Doritos has a spot with guys dressing like princesses because the daughter of one of them has a bag od Doritos. Ah, the “Goat” spot is better than this. To repeat, Goat trumps princess. Onward.

Calvin Klein delivers more packages than UPS in a spot showing super fit dudes sporting their guchies. I feel so fat.

Go Daddy has another spot with some strategy and it’s a mess.

Milk has a nice spot with The Rock as he pursues a gallon of moo-juice before saving the world. Hardly a classic in the “Got Milk” campaign, but not bad.

Hyundai has a great spot for Turbo Sonata as it follows all sorts of awful vehicle– everything from nuclear weapons to dripping chemicals to drooling dogs–– then zips past them because “It’s better to be in front.” Very nice.

VW hits the long ball with its Minnesotan businessman who has a happy Jamaican accent and spreads his good cheer. O.K., the fit with VW Beetle is forced, would have been better for Red Stripe, but it’s a memorable spot. Also, best Super Bowl use of a Partridge Family song.

Taco Bell has a hateful spot with old people escaping their retirement home to party and get tatted and raise holy hell. But, the old coots obviously have a death wish– ending their night eating Taco Bell food.

Lincoln has stove pipe hatted 16th prez pimping its sheet metal. Illegal use of political icons.

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