The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Patrick Scullin

  • Rep. Jim Jordan Proposes GOP Change Its Name

    Rep. Jim Jordan Proposes GOP Change Its Name

    Jordan has a brainstorm to strengthen his party and the nation

    Ohio Representative Jim Jordan is hopping mad and spitting fireballs of fury.

    “Our country is under siege,” Jordan told The Lint Screen. “We have that scumbucket liar Michael Cohen badmouthing the greatest president we’ve ever had while The Great One was in Nam negotiating the nukes away from North Korea. Cohen was disgraceful. After that hearing, I cried. My pillow was soaked. Cohen’s performance was treasonous.”

    While Jordan was happy with the support his party showed the president during the hearing, he believes the GOP needs to do a lot more.

    “I think we need to change our brand name from Republican to Trumpian. Forget the party of Lincoln, that’s yesterday. Today we’re Trump and we’re proud! Republican is old–– Grand Old Party. Ditch it! The party name of ‘Trumpian’ is new. It’s fresh, exciting, and sexy–– just like our president! Let’s celebrate the gift God gave us. That’s the Trumpian way, I say!”

    Jordan got a dreamy look in his eyes, took his pen and wrote JJ + DT on a pad and circled the letters with a heart. The Buckeye representative took a deep breath and continued.

    “Think about it, Trump is the greatest brand name in the universe, and the GOP should own it. I discussed my idea with the president and he assured me he would support our name change. He also said he would only charge the party $5 billion annually for the usage of his name,” Jordan smiled. “That’s nothing! We can pay for it out of the federal budget–– take it out of Social Security. It’s a drop in the bucket!”

    Jordan believes anyone who does not show support for the president should be put in detention camps and tortured. Ditto for journalists who write disparaging things about the president.

    “Our president loves freedom and if you don’t love Trump you don’t deserve freedom. That’s what our forefathers would want! That’s the American way under Trumpian leadership.”

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • After Brouhaha, Virginia Names New Governor

    After Brouhaha, Virginia Names New Governor

    Teddy Gypson will be the youngest governor in American history.

    The past week has been a turbulent one in the grand ol‘ state of Virginny.

    The current Governor Ralph Northam was caught in a college yearbook photo wearing either blackface or a KKK hood, the African-American lieutenant governor Justin Fairfax is facing sexual assault charges, and next in line for succession, Attorney General Mark Herring admitting he once wore “brown face” to a costume party.

    What’s a scandal-ridden commonwealth to do? Keep looking, that’s what!

    Virginia has conducted a thorough search of its Democratic populace to find the next leader, and while many residents were considered, they were ultimately rejected for either wearing blackface, being in the KKK or dressing like they were, or sexual shenanigans.

    But, at long last, a winner has finally emerged–– 14-year-old Teddy Gypson.

    “It’s pretty cool,” the young man told The Lint Screen. “I’ll get a big office and I can eat pizza and McDonald’s every day. I can even play Playstation whenever I want because I’m the boss and anyone who doesn’t like it will be fired! I might even put up a wall around our borders to keep the grown-ups out. Yeah, I think I’m going to love this job a lot better than my paper route. Screw that crapola–– I’m going to be making news not delivering it!”

    The Governor search committee feels confident Gypson has no skeletons in his closet.

    “We asked him if he has ever worn blackface or if he owns a tin of shoe polish,” search committee chairperson Aimee Gunn said. “He didn’t know what the heck we were talking about. He also said he was ‘pretty chill with the babe-a-rooskis.’ I think it’s safe to say Teddy’s a virgin and pretty harmless. We’re feeling good about our new governor, and I don’t think we’ll ever have to ground him.”

  • Sanders Explains Many Benefits of Trump’s “Executive Time”

    Sanders Explains Many Benefits of Trump’s “Executive Time”

    Sanders blasts fake news for criticizing our hard-working president for making America great again.

    Sarah Sanders has a bit of a temper.

    Today, the White House press secretary dropped by The Lint Screen offices and overturned desks, threw computers, and slugged the jaws of journalists as she explained President Trump’s recently disclosed excessive ‘executive time.’

    “You guys got it all wrong,” Sanders screamed as she tossed a copy editor out the second story window. “President Trump’s executive time is like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. It gives him time to re-charge his big brain and feed his immense creativity and incredible gut feeling. Executive time is what it takes for a genius like him to find the inspirational brilliance and stamina to make America great again!”

    Sanders continued the passionate defense of her boss as she took an ax to desks, computers, and a proofreader.

    “He consults with his trusted intelligence sources like Fox and Friends, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and Sean Hannity to name a few. This brain trust of truthtellers keeps our president updated on what’s happening in the world. They warn him about the caravans coming our way presenting clear and present dangers to our democracy and virginity. President Trump cannot rely on the unreliable fake news of the U.S. intelligence departments and their billion-dollar information-gathering operations. That would be dangerous and silly.”

    Sanders hurled a chair through the wall.

    “President Trump is the greatest president of all time, everyone agrees on that. Look at his Twitter feed? Did Washington or Lincoln produce social media like he does? Did those stiffs have the kind of avid followers our president has? No, read your history books for crying out loud! Were their wives modeling babes like Melania? Ha! Martha Washinton and Mary Todd Lincoln were plain janes.” Ms. Sanders spat on the ground and pointed an accusatory finger.

    “Look, you ink stains should spend less time micro-managing the president’s schedule and instead enjoy the glories he’s bringing for all Americans–– an unprecedented time of unity, prosperity, love, and happiness.”

    The press secretary dabbed her sweaty forehead with her dress sleeve.

    “And if you’re so doggone worried about what President Trump does all day, you’ll be happy to learn we’ve recently arranged for some playdates for him–– with very popular kids. He is also enrolled in creative art projects. One even involves construction paper, elbow macaroni, and Elmer’s Glue! These changes in his executive time schedule will really help him do his presidenting better than ever.”

    And with that, Sanders tore the front door off its hinges and flung it at the editor, knocking him out.

    Her press conference was over.

  • And On The Eighth Day, God Gave Us Trump

    And On The Eighth Day, God Gave Us Trump

    Evangelicals thank God for Donald Trump and all he stands for!

    Move over, Israelites, you are no longer God’s chosen people. For according to evangelical truth tellers Jerry Falwell, Jr., Rev. Franklin Graham, and Sarah Sanders, the Good Lord has bestowed President Donald J. Trump upon America, so naturally, we are the chosen ones.

    “God knows what He is doing,” Falwell told The Lint Screen. “That is why He made Donald Trump our leader with a landslide election victory. And the Lord commanded His masses to show up in record numbers to President Trump’s inauguration and hear his wise and inspiring sermon from the mount. And I pray God will soon smite Robert Mueller and put a pox on the houses of crooked justice for casting stones at our president with their evil witch hunts and second guessing of his glorious beliefs.”

    “We are truly blessed,” added Rev. Graham. “We have a leader known for impeccable integrity. A figure of irrefutable morality. Yes, he has had many affairs, paying alms to illicit women for their silence. And of course, he has cheated workers and hired illegals to do his bidding. Also, he has bamboozled many innocents and sheered his flock. Then there is the fact of his incessant lying and pratcice of con artmanship. But who among us has not succumbed to the enticing allure of Satan? We are all sinners and it is our duty to forgive our president, a mere mortal. I forgive the president for his human failings and I am thankful we have him as our moral weathervane.”

    Falwell picked up the praise. “Donald Trump is known for his empathy and compassion for the less fortunate. If he is attacked, he always turns the other cheek. He is humble, contrite, and egoless. President Trump is the teachings of Jesus brought to life, dressed in a handsome dark suit and necktie blessed with extraordinary length. He walks our Earth for the good of all, using his big brain to dispense his wise teachings. And have you seen his teeth? So pearly white! He sports a perpetual tan and perfect hair. And his wife? Va-va-va-voom! She is one hottie who knows a good thing when she sees it!”

    “God gave us the president,” Sarah Sanders said. “It is my privilege to bring his word to the American people and defend him against the Philistines who have worshipped false gods like Obama, a Kenyan Muslim who tried to destroy America by bringing healthcare to its citizens. And those who cast stones because our president consults privately with President Putin, they should be ashamed. We all must trust in Trump for he is God’s instrument of redemption for humanity.”

    “And how about a wall for him?” Rev. Graham asked. “If Jerusalem has a wall, why can’t we? It is God’s will! God loves a good wall.”

    “Amen, brother,” Falwell said.

    “Let us pray,” Sanders said as they three bowed their heads and chanted “Trump help us” repeatedly.

  • Stone Vows To Keep His Yap Shut And Get A Loyalty Tat

    Stone Vows To Keep His Yap Shut And Get A Loyalty Tat

    This Stone isn’t rolling, he swears he’s not rolling.

    Roger Stone ain’t no stinkin’ rat!

    The recently arrested political consultant and Trump whisperer called The Lint Screen offices to give the 4-1-1.

    “Listen up, see?” Stone began the conversation, “I didn’t do nothin’ wrong, okay? Everything I did was all on the up and up, twenty-three skidoo and kosher. And the flatfoot gumshoes know it. The feds nabbed me, gave me the bum’s rush to put some heat on the big boss. But I ain’t dropping no dime on the Don. No way, no how. This galoot don’t spill no beans. My lips are Elmered shut. I’m no stoolie, see? This bird don’t sing like some dame at the opera–– and he won’t ever warble–– right up to when I get fitted for a Chicago overcoat!”

    Stone excused himself to get a cigar to chomp on and he continued.

    “Only rats turn and squawk, see, and I ain’t no rat like Cohen. Wait’ll he gets inside the big house–– he may have a little accident, see? Like maybe he’s introduced to mister shiv, or he meets the business end of a pillowcase stuffed with oranges, or he accidentally slips on a bar of soap in the showers and falls on a line of men. Things happen, see, that’s all I’m sayin’.”

    Stone paused and puffed his cigar. “Look, I’ve got my gat and guts galore. I’m lousy with the jack and hootch. Got my Jane and her gams go into infinity. I can hit the mattresses like Sleeping Beauty for a long, long stretch. Trust me, palsy, there are no Heebie-Jeebies, here. I’m cool as a cucumber with Foster Grants.”

    The tough mook took a long guzzle of something from a bottle. ‘Lemme tell ya somethin’ else, newshawk. I played ball with Tricky Dick Nixon. I admired the hell out of that guy, so much so I got a tattoo of his puss on my back. Well, guess what? I’m getting a tat of big boss daddy Donald J’s mug on my chest. That’ll show my loyalty to my two guys. Now take a powder and scram, I’m taking the fifth and I don’t need no buttinskis!”

    (click)

  • Wilbur Ross Calls Gov’t Shutdown Employees “Slackers”

    Wilbur Ross Calls Gov’t Shutdown Employees “Slackers”

    Willy says furloughed workers need to “toughen up.”

    The U.S. Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross is frustrated with the state of the union. In an exclusive interview with The Lint Screen, the featured model for the month of March on the U.S. Cabinet “Nudie” Calendar spoke candidly about his views.

    “I keep hearing how bad these 800,000 furloughed government employees have it. Wah wah wah! Well, I say, ‘Hogwash!’ The president has orchestrated the biggest economic boom in our nation’s history–– get a couple of jobs at WalMart, Burger King or driving Uber rather than sitting at home bellyaching. For goodness sake, I have some lawn work that needs to be done and gutters that need cleaning! The bottom line is these slackers need to toughen up. We all have to do our part to get the wall built for our president!“

    Ross has other commonsensical solutions for those feeling a financial pinch during the shutdown.

    “I don’t understand why people don’t get a loan from their bank or a credit union. Better yet, ask your father for a loan. Or, get an advance on your trust fund. Cripes, you can even sell some Amazon or Netflix stock, there’s no law against taking some profits off the table. If you’re in a real pinch, go to a pawn shop and hock one of your Rolexes or some gold bullion. These are just my top of the head spitball ideas, I’m sure I can come up with a hundred more.”

    Ross disputes the claims that Trump and his administration have no empathy or compassion for the middle class.

    “Listen, that’s a bunch of malarky! This administration loves commoners. We believe any serf who puts in a hard day’s work deserves a scrap of bread and sip from the water bucket. That’s the American dream in action. It’s what built this nation. I am confident we’ll get through this rough patch, then we can get back to managing our real estate and investment portfolios. Stay strong, common people, we’re all in this together!”