The world took notice last week when it was announced that Playboy magazine would no longer publish totally nude girlie pictures in 2016, but the world had no idea how dramatic the changes would be at the new Playboy.

Today, Hugh Hefner, the brainiac behind Playboy, held a press conference where he announced his vision for the new magazine.

“Porn is everywhere,” the silk bathrobe-wearing wonder said. “We can’t win that game, so, we’ll be giving guys what they really want–– pictures of hydraulic pumps, rotary actuators and other hydraulic componentry. Macho machinery. What red blooded American guy doesn’t like some grease on his hands? And, to show our sweeter side, pictorials of hard candies. I know the kids love their hard candies,” the 89-year-old swinger said. “Hell’s bells, who doesn’t like a good sweet? Oh, and another thing–– recipes, lots of delicious crock pot recipes because men like easy meals with minimal clean up.”

The old man looked down and realized his bathrobe had become untied and his privates were showing. Two sexy women in bunny ears and bunny tails quickly escorted him off the stage. “Young men are going to love my new Playboy,” he was heard saying to no one in particular. “Why in my day…”