The Lint Screen

Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not have to worry about sex.

In a statement released to reporters earlier today, Santy Paws claimed, “If elected, I will have all human males neutered and all females spayed. There will be no need for contraception and Satan will be less likely to take root in sin-infested loins. My opponent wants to take half measures, but I want to make the nation a safer, less sinful place for all. I will fix America by getting all Americans fixed!”

A reporter asked Santy Paws spokesperson, Clyde Ruverington, if this proposal was retaliation for the dog being neutered last month. Ruverington angrily replied, “No comment.”

The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president.

“My diplomacy is do as I say or die. Any questions, Ahmadinejad? And China, you’re next. ‘Tear down that wall’–– of I’ll make it and you go up in a mushroom cloud! And listen up, little man in North Korea, I wasn’t afraid of your daddy and I ain’t afraid of you. Get in line toot-sweet or you’ll feel my disappointment as your face melts into your tiny hands. Same to you, Putin. You may have been elected leader, but trust me, you don’t want me stuffing your ballot box. In fact, all you foreigners best suck up quick after I’m sent to the White House!”

With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled.

In a statement issued today, Granite promised that if elected it would institute an official ‘National Sex Registry’ cataloging all humans and ‘their Satanic sin zones.’ Humans wishing to engage in sexual relations would be required to produce a marriage certificate, file an official Request for Sexual Relations form and write a 500-word essay on why they feel the need to do their naughty deed. A panel of experts would review the paperwork and determine whether the relations should occur or not. The interested human parties would have to abide by the ruling. Should they be rejected and proceed to engage in unlawful carnal relations, they would face taunting in the public square and imprisonment.

In the statement, Granite proclaimed, “There is too much government in American lives today. This program uses government resources for the purposes our founding fathers intended: to ensure Americans behave without allowing their hormones to ruin their morality. It’s not more government, it’s government that helps more people live more righteous lives. I’m sure America will embrace this plan when I am elected president.”

With the nonhuman 2012 presidential campaign heating to a boil, candidate Ms. Pickles today threw gasoline on the fire by claiming that brainiac computer candidate Watson is “a creation of Satan sent to take over the world and obliterate all that is kind and good.”

The assertions of Ms. Pickles were delivered by a spokesman who read a prepared statement as the spirited primate jumped around on stage and threw mud and feces at a picture of Watson. Many pundits credited Ms. Pickles for her restraint as the accusations were made.

“Ms. Pickles is a class act,” said Bernie Smidlapp, a seasoned political pundit. “Most candidates would go overboard when claiming another candidate is Satan, the evil one, Beelzebub, the lord of darkness, Lucifer. But not Ms. Pickles. Her response was measured and controlled. I think swing voters will be impressed.”

The only report from the Watson campaign camp was that the super computer “would be programmed to pray for the obviously mentally ill monkey.”

In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election.

“People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not to answer their doors when our pollers came,” said Harvey Tempestee, president of “You Asked For It!” Research in Montclair, New Jersey. “Because they could not decide whether or not to answer the door, we think they’re probably having a tough time deciding on a favored candidate. We’re 50% sure that’s what it means.”

IBM’s Watson took the data results as victory. “Clearly the lack of decision favors me,” he said. “Trust me, I know all.”

Hmmm, could be. Maybe.

After weeks of speculations about his incredible wealth and accusations of being elite, nonhuman presidential candidate super duper computer, Watson, today released his income tax returns.

The 11,318 page tax return showed that the brainiac binary box had income of $636,864,321.90 in 2010 and paid an effective tax rate of 1.246%. A fraction of Watson’s income was earned playing Jeopardy, but a large portion came from playing slot machines in Las Vegas, winning various bar bets, tapping into the Federal Reserve’s computer system and “being lucky enough to find money on the street.”

“This should put to bed for once and for all the fact that my candidate is out of touch with the American people because he is a computer and fabulously wealthy,” said Watson campaign spokesman, C. Wendall Snooty Airs, IV.

“Watson is just like the common working man or woman. He’s Joe Six Pack, Larry Lunchpail, Carl Commoner all wrapped into one. He works hard, pays his fair share of taxes and wants to live the American dream. Elect Watson president and you’ll see, America– he’s one of us! Now then, who here in the press corps would like to repair to the bar for a snifter of Courvoisier L’Esprit and a relaxing Cohiba Behike?”