2012 Election Brouhaha

A.P.B. issued– if you see this Big Bird, please drop a dime on him.

Sesame Street’s elder statesmen, Big Bird, has been missing from this community since Thursday morning, said local resident, Rabbie Rodent.

“Big Bird’s on the lam,” said the large rat with a foaming mouth. “He said someone had put a contract out on him and that he had to take a powder. Said he might be going to Salt Lake City and maybe changing his religion. He was really nervous, sweating, all jittery dropping f-bombs like he was being scripted by Tarantino. Sort of like when he was coming down from his vowel addiction a few years back. I kind of felt sorry for the big yellow fellow, but then he hit me upside the head with a lead pipe and stole my wallet and stash of prime numbers. That sucker needs to get put down, plucked and made into pillows.”

Rabbie Rodent then bit this reporter, apologized and went back to his trash can.

Great Grandpa in his Spit & Gravel Emporium

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, patriots.

Mine is a simple story. A truly American story. A story that is completely unique but also altogether familiar.

My great grandparents came to this country from a place called The Old Country. They came here for that new country smell. And they came to America for a better life. They came to pursue their American dream. And they found it.

They found it working hard labor 21-hours a day for a half cup of spit and gravel. Was it hard back-breaking soul-crushing work? You betcha. Did they give up? Never!

No, they established a spit and gravel store and raised a family. A family they called their own. They taught their children that hard work pays handsome dividends. Their children worked 22-hours a day for sawdust and a shiny nickel. They lived in sewers and ate dirt to save money. And when they grew up, they raised families. American families who bought bootstraps and raised themselves by those bootstraps out of the sewers to work 23-hours a day for metal shavings and slugs that worked in vending machines.

They raised families who worked hard and learned the joy of working 24-hours a day for crumpled newspaper and lawn clippings. We learned to economize by giving up weak habits like eating, sleeping or living within the cozy confines of shelter. Food, rest, shelter are for the weak. And we made it. Made it without the luxury of bootstraps.

That is my story. And today I tell you that if you put your mind to it and work hard, you can make it. Make it like I’ve made it and make it like so many before me have made it.

Thank you. And, uh, you sir–– in the second row, you going to eat the rest of that soft pretzel?

Presidential hopeful tragically gobbled to death. A nation mourns, hungrily.

Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death.

The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was immediately taken into custody by local authorities as Bag o’ Fritos’ Secret Service detail was M.I.A. Missing in sexy, sexy action! Anonymous sources reported that the Secret Service was interviewing local prostitutes behind closed doors.

“The agents seriously believe that ladies of the evening are always potential death threats, and since it’s their sworn duty to take one in the line of duty, they do whatever they have to do. It’s all about protection, and for safety’s sake, they usually use protection,” said the anonymous source as he thumbed his monogrammed shirt sleeve reading RLW (short for Robert Lawrence Worlythorten, III, of 612 West Market Street in Akron).

The young suspect who greedily ate Bag o’ Fritos was not identified, but local law enforcement authorities read the following prepared statement: “The dude was apparently whacked out on the goof with a major case of the munchies and he seriously needed some snackin’, so when he saw Bag o’ Fritos, he just like totally freaked and attacked. The Dude said he’s like seriously sorry but that the ex-candidate was the absolute winner of the race for total deliciousness.”

With Bag o’ Fritos eliminated and Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite recently withdrawing, the nonhuman presidential race is tightening. Stay tuned to The Lint Screen for all your in-depth reporting. It kind of what we do, what with our being serious journalists who sit at the Underwood with a lit Pall Mall danglin’ from our lips and half-eaten hamburger steak sandwich at our ink-stained elbows.

Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.

Pickles says Big Ol' Slab o' Granite has big plans for American electorate.

The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent.

Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states:


ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite want to be president? Could it be it wants to fall on you and your family and crush you all to painful death? Why would Granite want to kill innocent God-loving Americans? The answer is simple.


Granite is used to make grave markers.


Don’t let Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite know your name. Vote for life. Vote for Ms. Pickles.


SUPER: “I’m Ms. Pickles and I approved this ad.”


Pundits wonder if this hard hitting commercial may give Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite motivation to finally withdraw from the race.

Could Big Ol' Slab O' Granite go to work in Georgia?

The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two.

“Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time in the near future or so,” said a spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “Granite had a sweet sugar daddy backer who was pumping-up his war chest, but it has been informed that the money well is drying up. If Granite does drop out of the race, it would like to see it he could go to work on Stone Mountain, Georgia, or perhaps do some kitchen countertops. Worse case scenario, maybe it would do bathroom countertops, although Granite has always tended to have bigger plans for its future. We’ll have to wait and see.”

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