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Fritos Pledges To Nuke Iran
The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president. “My diplomacy is do as I say or…
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Granite Promises Sex Registry
With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled. In a statement issued today, Granite promised that…
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Pickles Claims Watson Is Satan
With the nonhuman 2012 presidential campaign heating to a boil, candidate Ms. Pickles today threw gasoline on the fire by claiming that brainiac computer candidate Watson is “a creation of Satan sent to take over the world and obliterate all that is kind and good.” The assertions of Ms. Pickles were delivered by a spokesman…
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Undecided Voters Decidedly Undecided
In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election. “People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not…
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Watson Releases Tax Return
After weeks of speculations about his incredible wealth and accusations of being elite, nonhuman presidential candidate super duper computer, Watson, today released his income tax returns. The 11,318 page tax return showed that the brainiac binary box had income of $636,864,321.90 in 2010 and paid an effective tax rate of 1.246%. A fraction of Watson’s…
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Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads
Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In. Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant. “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let…