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Big Bird Flies The Coop
Sesame Street’s elder statesmen, Big Bird, has been missing from this community since Thursday morning, said local resident, Rabbie Rodent. “Big Bird’s on the lam,” said the large rat with a foaming mouth. “He said someone had put a contract out on him and that he had to take a powder. Said he might be…
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Convention Speech
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, patriots. Mine is a simple story. A truly American story. A story that is completely unique but also altogether familiar. My great grandparents came to this country from a place called The Old Country. They came here for that new country smell. And they came to America for…
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Bag o’ Fritos Eaten, Out of Race!
Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death. The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was…
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Granite Shatters Own Political Dreams
As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by…
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Pickles Airs Attack Ad
The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent. Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states: OPEN ON VIDEO OF HUMAN REMAINS FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKES. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, A DRAMATIC VOICEOVER IS HEARD. ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite…
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Granite Announces It May Consider Thinking About Dropping Out of Race
The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two. “Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time…