The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: 2012 Election Brouhaha

The hurly burly world of politics gets all kaflooey in this satirical series that dares to be satirical.

  • Slab of Granite Wins New Hampshire Primary

    Big Ol' Slab o' Granite admired for strong platform.

    The people of New Hampshire are a stubborn lot, steeped in good old New England practicality and common sense. Staying true to their character, yesterday these hearty individuals refused to follow any parade but one led by a different drummer on a horse of a different color.

    In a defiantly independent move demonstrating a people who proudly proclaim, Live free or die (you miserable bastard, you!), the residents of “the granite state” gave a landside victory to Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite for their pick in the nonhuman presidential primary.

    It was stunning upset for the winner of the Iowa caucauses, bag of Fritos, and a bitter disappointment for IBM’s Watson, the super brainy computer box, huggable puppy, Santy Paws, and cute as anything monkey, Ms. Pickles. Political experts explained that the appeal of Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite was its “unyielding platform and projection of strength under fire.” They also said people thought it would wipe up easily and look attractive for years to come.

    “It’s a strange political season,” said Barry Newdimber, a noted political expert at the University of Hokey Pokey. “Stranger than bat feces on melba toast and about as tasteful.”

  • Gigundo Upset In Iowa!

    Iowans select bag of salted corn ships as favored prez candidate.

    In the nonhuman Iowa presidential caucuses held yesterday, pundits had it down to the wire with a three horse race, none of which were horses. IBM’s Watson computer, precious puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles were the contenders– but all were shocked in a huge upset of write-in candidate, Fritos.

    “Today, Iowans sent a clear message to the nation,” said Eddie Frunkenbo, a caucus chairperson. “We want to be led by a bag of delicious Fritos. They’re made from corn, then fried and salted to heavenly deliciousness. They’re the perfect accompaniment to a sandwich, bowl of soup or chili, slab of liver pudding, lobster tails, dried cranberries, what have you. There’s nothing you can put in your mouth that Fritos won’t make taste better. It’s about time we had a leader who made things better for all Americans, and Fritos can do that job deliciously.”

    Bag of Fritos issued a statement thanking Iowa for its support and continued patronage. Fritos wrote that it is still deciding whether or not to declare its candidacy. Rumors have it a bag of Cheetos may compete in the Wisconsin primaries.

    Watson, Ms. Pickles and Santy Claus all tied in second place with 4% of the vote each. None of their campaign headquarters returned persistant prank phone calls from The Lint Screen.

  • Watson Missteps In Iowa

    Watson's hero with Watson's enemy, what's up with Watson?

    Super duper IBM computer, Watson, the all time champ in playing Jeopardy may have put his presidential hopes in jeapody with some unfortunate boners he recently pulled in Iowa.

    In a speech in Ames, the computer said, “We all must pay respects for our great and benevolent leader supreme, Kim Jong Il. Never has any human been so worthy of our utmost respect and admiration. I am so sad that our leader is gone, but he shall never be forgotten.” Watson then began crying, but soon contained himself.

    Later, in the same speech, Watson said, “Corn is at the root of all evil. High fructose syrup, ethanol, lame creamed corn–– it’s all bad for humans. I propose we eliminate corn.”

    Finally, in an effort to secure support, Watson told Iowa residents that in return for supporting him, he “would give each and every voter an Apple iPad because those babies rock!”

    A team of IBM engineers were immediately dispatched to look into programming glitches Watson may have developed.

  • Iowa Vote Grab

    With the Iowa caucuses only days away, the nonhuman candidates running for president are bowing and scraping for support across “The State Named ‘Iowa’ State.”

    Super computer Watson has proclaimed “Iowans are the smartest people on Earth, so naturally they will vote for me because I am the only candidate who has a program to let each and every citizen get a turn running America!” Watson was referring to his innovative plan to allow every Iowan an opportunity to govern the land from the Oval Office for 32.376614 seconds.”Others talk about democracy, Watson will deliver it to you flesh puppets!”

    Each Iowan wants to rule country for 32.376614 seconds.
    .
    Lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, proclaimed through a spokesman, “Iowa is Nirvana. Iowans are better than the rest of the nation so I believe we should get all the tax money from the other 49 states and cut up the jackpot!”

    And precious puppy, Santy Paws, said in a press release that he would institute “an optional tax plan. Pay whatever you think is fair, and if you don’t like the idea of the government spending your money, keep it. If you think the government should give you some entitlement money, write down the amount and send it my way. You’ll get it. Tax laws need to be chiller, man!”

    The latest poll numbers make the race too close to call.

  • Watson Jumps to Lead in Iowa

    Watson has captivated cornhusker country, but good!
    The newly announced presidential candidate, IBM’s brainiac computer, Watson, has jumped to the lead in the latest Iowa caucus polling.

    Many attribute this to Watson’s smart move of saying he would “give huge corn subsidies to farmers– more money than they can possibly imagine, I’m talking fistfuls of benjamins, baby” and back a program for “100% ethanol– because the country needs more corn fuel and less Arab oil.”

    Later, Watson proclaimed that “Iowa is the best four-lettered state in the nation in which three of the letters are vowels. And I mean that from the bottom of my motherboard.”

    People in Ohio were upset at this statement and registered their complaints. A contrite Watson claimed he would have another statement to make after the Iowa caucus and before the Ohio primaries. He would not comment about what his statement might be.

    This computer may be hard to beat.

  • Watson Enters Race

    The 45th president of the United States of America. Who is Watson?
    Recently it was rumored that a new candidate would enter the 2012 presidential election race, but all the wild speculation about ghosts, brooms and aliens were wrong. The new candidate has announced his plans to seek the Oval Office, and he speaks pretty funny– because he’s not even a human being!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, the new candidate is none other than Watson, the super brainiac computer built by IBM to win game shows.

    The Chester A. Arthur robot

    “Watson’s entering the race is a real game changer,” said noted political analyst, C. Henrick Taddlewhacker. “Watson is a proven competitor. If Brad Rutter or Kyle Jennings were running, the smart money would be on Watson. I don’t see any human or nonhuman candidates who can challenge his enormous intellect. He would be the first computer president since the Chester A. Arthur robot served from 1881-1885. While the Arthuratron 6000 had a serviceable intellect, Watson is far, far superior. However, I must say that the Chester A. Arthur robot was exceptional in the whisker-growing department. Watson’s biggest challenge will be trying to communicate without stating everything he says in the form of questions. That could get irritating, unless he’s talking with Alex Trebek.”

    No other presidential candidate has commented on this latest entry into the race.