monkeys


Run the red light at your own peril, lead-foot.... this monkey means business!

Some cities are placing cameras on light poles and snapping pictures of cars running red lights to issue citations by mail. Then some cities are playing for keeps.

Austin, Texas is employing trained monkeys to ‘man’ light poles for keeping law-breaking drivers in line. If a motorist runs a red light, the monkey leaps onto the car and scrambles its way inside the vehicle to gouge the driver’s eyes out and spray the interior with urine.

“Some people think this watch-monkey program is a bit extreme,” said Officer Terry Inklurd, “but if people just obey the traffic signals, there won’t be any issues. You’ll be able to keep your vision and not have your car smell like monkey pee–– which has an awful stench. Not even those pine tree air fresheners can mask monkey musk.”

NBC is rumored to be developing a new series called “Law & Order: Traffic Monkey Division.”

You write and we respond. Hey, this freedom of speech thing really works!

Dear Lint Screen:
I am miffed, disappointed and somewhat outraged at your consistent hostile attitude toward what you consider to be lower level primates, more to the point, chimps and monkeys.

It is obvious you are prejudiced against these superior creatures and harbor deep-rooted resentment and hostilities that are completely unfounded and, quite frankly, border on hysterical paranoia. You seem to think that simply because you have witnessed excrement flinging by monkeys in zoo cages that all members of their society are dangerous and should be feared, mocked and ridiculed. Preposterous!

If you were caged and had people paraded by you endlessly, I am quite certain you would also find some innocent amusement to occupy your time. If monkeys had rubber spherical objects, they could throw them to and fro, but alas they do not. I postulate that if 100 chimps had typewriters placed before them, they could write Hamlet or MacBeth. Or certainly an episode of American Dad.

Alas, they have neither spherical objects or keyboards and so must use items close at hand for idle amusement. It is a pity you find this harmless act so repulsive that your petty nature demands you throw stones at monkey for throwing other ‘things.’ Recall what one of your kind once said about throwing stones whilst living in glass houses as your race continually wars with one another demonstrating an inherent inhumanity toward fellow man, and rapes our planet of precious resources intended for all living creatures.

In short, it is little wonder that some day very soon you will find your Statue of Liberty buried on the beach and the planet ruled by apes. You have been duly warned. Good day, sir!
Regretfully,
Dr. C. Edmund Primateus

Dear Dr. Primateus:
What can I say– monkeys flinging poo makes me laugh.

Dear Lint Screen:
I have been dating the same man for over a decade. He’s rude, two-faced, has poor hygiene, is selfish, egotistical, inconsiderate, insanely jealous, petty, completely self-centered, without backbone or morals, shows no ambition or direction and treats his dog better than he treats me. After 12 years in this horrible relationship, I wonder just one thing– why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?
Sincerely,
Emma Zinderkim

Dear Ms. Zinderkim:
Men! Who can figure?!

Dear Lint Screen:
Did you see where I put my car keys? I can’t find them anywhere.
Sincerely,
Jason Wilcrest, Jr.

Dear Mr. Wilcrest:
You’ll find them in the left front pocket of your jeans in the dirty clothes hamper. Now leave your house immediately, there’s an electrical fire in the basement.

Not long ago I wrote on this site about the dangers of smoking monkeys and chimps. I offered to collect funds and buy addicted primates some nicotine patches and gum to get them off the goof.

Unfortunately, none of you responded with financial aid. Well, I hope you cheap, heartless bastards are happy– look what animal kingdom peer pressure hath wrought!

Yes, he's man's best friend-- but only if you fill his bowl!

Please send money quickly to me c/o The Lint Screen on the innerwebs. Thanks.

They're cute doing most anything, except smoking!

Oh, they're cute doing just about anything, EXCEPT SMOKING!

Right now, millions of chimps and monkeys are smoking themselves to death.

Furry friends with bad cases of jangly nerves, dieting monkeys, post-coital chimps– they all need our help. They can’t resist the seductive allure of nicotine, but we can help give them a fighting chance by being strong when they are weak.

Working together, we can raise the funds necessary to supply these chimps and monkeys nicotine gum and nicotine patches. These are the tools they need to build a foundation of willpower and get the tobacco monkeys off their backs.

Won’t you help? Send money (a little more than you can afford) to me c/o The Lint Screen and together we’ll help monkeys and chimps evolve some healthier habits.

I recently came across this shocking photo and want to alert fellow humans of the impending danger sure to destroy our fragile society.

Their privates will be public no more. The revolution's begun and we are the targets!

Their privates will be public no more. The revolution's begun!

Not to sound alarmist, but obviously monkeys want our clothes and are willing to take extreme measures to get them– even if it means attacking and killing us in their cold-blooded sadistic way.

Are they tired of being a few rungs down on the evolutionary ladder? Perhaps. Do they resent our putting their relatives behind bars and on display in zoos? Probably. Do they want revenge for Tim Burton’s weak remake of “Planet of The Apes”? Certainly. Whatever their reasons, these monkeys mean business– DEADLY MONKEY BUSINESS!!!

To avert catastrophe, I suggest we take preemptive action and become nudists. Gather your clothes, take them to the nearest zoo and present them to our soon-to-be monkey masters. If dressed, it will be more difficult for them to fling poo at us, and we will have won the war.

I’m stripping now– who’s with me? Anybody? Hello…

    I’m happy to report that on March 23, 2009, The Lint Screen had its 10,000th hit, meaning Lint has been served to over 20,000 eyes, providing some of those eyes are not covered in eyepatches. My blog stats report I have minimal readership among pirates, but I do pretty well with shoulder-perching parrots.

    10,000 hits in just over eight months– not too shabby. With any luck, the next 10,000 will happen in eight days.

    To get the ball rolling, here’s a classic TV spot that certainly deserves a good gander and some swing time:

    I’m sure when this spot originally aired it didn’t have that ugly url plastered on it. It’s crass– like putting a Pepsi logo on the Mona Lisa’s face. But still, ain’t those chimps something!

    Thanks for catching Lint. Please share the Lint experience like bad germs.

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