The Lint Screen

People have often asked me if I’ve ever had a clown in my lap, and I always tap the top of my head thrice and say, “But of course, silly goose, who hasn’t?”

The proof is pictured above (I’m the second guy from the left with the smaller porn star mustache). This photo was taken in the fall of 1981. The clown’s name is Elmo, he worked for The Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus. The five folks seated with laps were all Marketing Directors (advance men and women) for the same show.

Yes, we had been drinking.

My thanks to Gail, a fellow carney pimp, for the picture. At some point, I’ll have to share more circus stories. Until then, maybe you’d like to share your pictures of clowns in your lap.

Jared Lee Loughner, the man suspected for the tragic shooting rampage in Tucson, Arizona was obviously a very disturbed individual.

People who knew him knew it, people who encountered him knew it. Even the people working the ammunition counter at the first Wal Mart where he tried to buy bullets knew it–– they wouldn’t sell him the ammo.

But the second Wal Mart he went to did.

It used to be the tragic figures responsible for heinous violent acts were described as loners who kept to themselves. But not in our modern world. Now everyone can leave digital trails of their madness for all to see.

There are many unstable people out there, and angry histrionics by media pundits and politicians only fan the flames in dangerous ways.

Let’s chill, people. Let’s be aware and wary.

Consider us armed and potentially dangerous.

To save on printing and postage to readers in Northern Mariana Islands, Angola, Ecuador, Latvia and 144 other places, The Lint Screen is proud to post the official holiday card of Ames Scullin O’Haire along with the 2010 Scullin family holiday card (the back panel was written by son, Jack– to quote Tim and Eric Awesome Show, “Great job!”).

Merry happy to you and yours from us and ours, and here’s to a terrific 2011!
And to all a good night…

Relatives I don’t know are dropping like flies, but they wish to leave me their fortunes.

Should I show grief or good fortune? I’m not sure if I should wear black or a gold lamay suit. Perhaps I can find a nice black gold lamay suit.

Not a week after I was informed I’m in for a $36 million inheritance from the untimely passing of a relative I didn’t know, I find out another distant relative has croaked leaving me his fortune! The following message (reprinted exactly) came to my e-mail box:
Attention.

I am Mr Hussien Ahmed.An attorney at law in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. I am in an urgent need of your co-operation to re-profile the sum of $5.800,000.00 united state dollars to your name as the next of kin to a deceased client of mine whose last name you bear.

Upon the retrieval/receipt of this money in any of your designated bank account. We will share it on an agreed percentage.More details will be given to you once receive a positive response from you.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible.

Regards,

Mr.Hussien Ahmed.

While I wish this relative had worked harder, let’s face it–– $5.8 million isn’t exactly $36 million, I will accept the money. Concerning this “agreed percentage” you wrote of, I suggest 100% for me, 0% for you. If my calculations are correct, that means you owe me $5.8 million united states dollars.

Mr. Hussien Ahmed, I thank you. I’ve forwarded all the personal financial information you requested– credit card numbers, bank account numbers, passwords, etc. Please let me know when the check’s in the mail and on its way.

Gold lamay suits ain’t cheap.

One of the things I love about this digital world is the ability to connect to people. It’s both remarkable and can be quite profitable.

Case in point: a recent dispatch I received from a good man named ‘Rene Keita.’ I’m not sure where this person is from, but he is a kind, caring, compassionate soul who only wants to assist me in finding wealth as a result of the tragic passing of a distant relative I never knew I had!

Read his urgent message to me below and you’ll see my good fortune!

Dear Patrick Scullin,
I am Personal lawyer to Engr.M.J. Scullin , who died in an auto accident along side with his family. After all investigation even with the relevant embassy has yielded no results showing that there is no living next of kin.
I hereby solicit for your immediate response and positive committed efforts to facilitate the fund remittal of total sum $31 million USD before it get confiscated by the bank. This fund was left behind with a bank by my late client.I have all the necessary proof
Upon your positive response to this covenant, I will make all necessary information known to you. please get in touch with me through my email at ( rene.keita@hotmail.fr ) for more details.
Yours
Rene Keita

I am in for a cool $31 million clamollas, and I didn’t even have to scratch a lottery ticket to win! One Scullin gets planted in the earth, the other plucks the monetary fruits of his life’s labor. What could be easier?

I’ve dispatched all my personal information to Rene Keita and imagine I’ll soon be hob-nobbing amongst the swells (“Hello, Mick Jagger, do you know my friends, Alan Thicke, Doug Henning, Lorraine Bracco and Richard Belzer?”) I’ll be a fabulously wealthy fat cat, thanks to the untimely death of a dearly departed relative I never knew but feel eternally grateful to.

It’s this kind of connectivity that I believe will make this internet thing go from being a fad to a real sensation and perhaps a permanent useful tool.

Has the internet changed your life for the better? Please share.

What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?

Absolutely nothing!

The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.

Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.