It’s neither fish nor foul nor cattle nor fruit. Whatever it is, it’s something or other.
To save on printing and postage to readers in Northern Mariana Islands, Angola, Ecuador, Latvia and 144 other places, The Lint Screen is proud to post the official holiday card of Ames Scullin O’Haire along with the 2010 Scullin family holiday card (the back panel was written by son, Jack– to quote Tim and Eric Awesome Show, “Great job!”).
Merry happy to you and yours from us and ours, and here’s to a terrific 2011!
And to all a good night…
Should I show grief or good fortune? I’m not sure if I should wear black or a gold lamay suit. Perhaps I can find a nice black gold lamay suit.
Not a week after I was informed I’m in for a $36 million inheritance from the untimely passing of a relative I didn’t know, I find out another distant relative has croaked leaving me his fortune! The following message (reprinted exactly) came to my e-mail box:
Attention.
I am Mr Hussien Ahmed.An attorney at law in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. I am in an urgent need of your co-operation to re-profile the sum of $5.800,000.00 united state dollars to your name as the next of kin to a deceased client of mine whose last name you bear.
Upon the retrieval/receipt of this money in any of your designated bank account. We will share it on an agreed percentage.More details will be given to you once receive a positive response from you.
Kindly get back to me as soon as possible.
Regards,
Mr.Hussien Ahmed.
While I wish this relative had worked harder, let’s face it–– $5.8 million isn’t exactly $36 million, I will accept the money. Concerning this “agreed percentage” you wrote of, I suggest 100% for me, 0% for you. If my calculations are correct, that means you owe me $5.8 million united states dollars.
Mr. Hussien Ahmed, I thank you. I’ve forwarded all the personal financial information you requested– credit card numbers, bank account numbers, passwords, etc. Please let me know when the check’s in the mail and on its way.
Gold lamay suits ain’t cheap.
Case in point: a recent dispatch I received from a good man named ‘Rene Keita.’ I’m not sure where this person is from, but he is a kind, caring, compassionate soul who only wants to assist me in finding wealth as a result of the tragic passing of a distant relative I never knew I had!
Read his urgent message to me below and you’ll see my good fortune!
Dear Patrick Scullin,
I am Personal lawyer to Engr.M.J. Scullin , who died in an auto accident along side with his family. After all investigation even with the relevant embassy has yielded no results showing that there is no living next of kin.
I hereby solicit for your immediate response and positive committed efforts to facilitate the fund remittal of total sum $31 million USD before it get confiscated by the bank. This fund was left behind with a bank by my late client.I have all the necessary proof
Upon your positive response to this covenant, I will make all necessary information known to you. please get in touch with me through my email at ( rene.keita@hotmail.fr ) for more details.
Yours
Rene Keita
I am in for a cool $31 million clamollas, and I didn’t even have to scratch a lottery ticket to win! One Scullin gets planted in the earth, the other plucks the monetary fruits of his life’s labor. What could be easier?
I’ve dispatched all my personal information to Rene Keita and imagine I’ll soon be hob-nobbing amongst the swells (“Hello, Mick Jagger, do you know my friends, Alan Thicke, Doug Henning, Lorraine Bracco and Richard Belzer?”) I’ll be a fabulously wealthy fat cat, thanks to the untimely death of a dearly departed relative I never knew but feel eternally grateful to.
It’s this kind of connectivity that I believe will make this internet thing go from being a fad to a real sensation and perhaps a permanent useful tool.
Has the internet changed your life for the better? Please share.
What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?
Absolutely nothing!
The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.
Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.
According to the number crunchers, here’s the catnip for curious eyeballs:
moon
lost
Swedish Bikini Team
job hunting
X-ray porn
cute kitten
oilade
fab four
lonely
These key words are the cheese that attracts the most people on our planet to this hub of intelligencia and good taste.
So, the marketing department of The Lint Screen suggested we do a posting that combined all these power players in one entry. Like a dream team playing its greatest hits, if you will.
Here we are. And just for good measure, the creative department (usually lazy no-goodniks with feet propped on desktops and heads nestled in clouds) wanted to add something new: pork brains (who knows, maybe these two words will attract new readers to Lint).
Feel free to poke around the key words above and see what’s the most popular Lint to date. Please come again because we may be cooking up some more pork brains with the culinary department here at Lint.
Pork brain pastries, perhaps?
Now, maybe OK is the initials of the owner, but I prefer to think it is a humble statement of the store’s inventory. I can imagine a customer wandering in off the street and the following conversation taking place…
“Oh, it’s brown hair and it’s OK.”
“Is it a pretty good wig?”
“Ummm, I don’t think I’d go that far. It’s OK.”
“OK?”
“Yeah, OK. I mean, it pretty much covers the skull. See?”
“I see…”
“It’s hair-like. You can get brush it just like real hair.”
“Ummm hmmm…”
“So, I guess it’s pretty much OK.”
“It’s an OK wig?”
“Yep, OK. Definitely OK.”
“Nothing special.”
“No. Just OK.”
“Not the best?”
“Absolutely not the best.”
“And saying it’s pretty good would be going too far?”
“Probably. I mean, it’s not that good.”
“But it is OK?”
“Sure is. It’s OK all day long.”
“I see. And what about this wig over here?”
“It’s OK, too.”
“Is it any better than the other wig?”
“Nope. They’re both pretty OK.”
“And what about all these other wigs?”
“Well, let’s see. That’s OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. Well, they’re all OK.”
“So, they’re all OK wigs?”
“Yep. That’s all we sell here, OK wigs. Hence, the store’s name.”
“OK. I admire your humble honesty. I guess I’ll buy a couple OK wigs.”
“OK…”
And so it would go: hair flying out the door like a tornado through a six-seat barber shop. If you’re ever around downtown Salisbury, stop in and buy a few OK Wigs. They’ll make great gifts for your mannequin heads, or your own.