The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Whatnot

It’s neither fish nor foul nor cattle nor fruit. Whatever it is, it’s something or other.

  • Terrorism in Gwinnett

    Dismantling Greatness is hard to witness through teary eyes
    Here in God’s Country, we like to say “If you can’t trust a water tower, who can you trust?”

    Well, tragedy is slowly striking Gwinnett County as a group of terrorists disassemble one of the greatest roadside attractions in our free land: the Twin Towers of Gwinnett Greatness.

    For over three decades, these I-85 icons have proclaimed two confident statements to curious eyes: GWINNETT IS GREAT and SUCCESS LIVES HERE.

    For residents of Gwinnett, these were comforting words. For those not lucky enough to live here, the words were truth that stings and gives the ol’ one-two bruising combo to the ego.

    But now the glorious Twin Gwinnett Towers are being taken down, I assume by evil terrorists from other jealous counties. I feel the greatness of Gwinnett flickering and wonder if perhaps Success is packing its bags. I certainly hope not, Success was a great neighbor (really has a beautiful lawn and landscaping, plus was always happy to pick up the mail and newspapers for vacationing neighbors).

    The Towers are falling, The Towers are falling–– woe is all of us!

  • The Importance of The Orderly Order

    A little memory aid is a good thing.
    There’s an alarming trend in America’s restaurants: the uber-waiters and waitresses who take orders without writing them down.

    They cock their heads as people recite their complex orders of “a garden salad with no cucumbers or onions, extra tomatoes, light ranch dressing on the side and a meatloaf platter, light on the tomato sauce, sub fries for mashed potatoes– oh, and could I get spinach instead of green beans?”

    Later, the server brings a veggie soup and a meatloaf sandwich with onion rings.

    There is no shame in writing things down, wait-people. The diners of America will not mock you for resorting to visual aids to remember our persnickety orders. In fact, we feel good about it. Writing the order down is reassuring and comforting. We do not give you extra credit or extra tips for not writing it down. No one expects you to be a memory expert, honestly. If you were, you wouldn’t be taking orders from swine like us.

    Thanks. I feel better. Please refrain from spitting in my food.

  • The Ferocious Winds of Change

    A low pressure blast from the past, still on the job in many restrooms. It’s so yesterday.
    If you’re one of those people who washes his/her hands after going to the bathroom (and we all sincerely hope that you are), you may have noticed a revolution of modernity in public restrooms.

    It’s not electric eye-triggered soap dispensers and water facets– which are typically spotty in performance, or robotic toilet tissue dispensers “May I assist in wiping, please, master?”

    No, the real revolution is in hand drying.

    Yes, hand drying.

    It used to be that the Globe Hand Dryer was the pinnacle of hot air-blowing technology, but now it has been blown to the sidelines by a beast that calls itself Xlerator.

    This baby blows air like a politician on the campaign trail.
    The marvel comes in white and hi tech brushed aluminum and expels air like an F-15 engine that’s riled to rip some serious stratosphere.

    If you’ve encountered the Xlerator, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

    Place your wet hands beneath its nozzle and watch as your skin and flesh do their best to stay attached to your skeleton. While the old World Dryer purred with a kitten’s warm breath, Xlerator roars like a ferocious lion. It devours wetness.

    This baby means business and wet hands don’t stand a chance. “Get dry, bitches! DRY!”

    Xlerator is one of the true wonders of the 21st century. It’s what George Jetson might use to dry his hands.

    We’ll assume Rosie may have helped him with the toilet tissue duties.

    Sometimes the future ain’t so pretty.

  • World’s Most Valuable Baseball

    A priceless gem, now in my possession. Click for close-up.
    I have successfully bid on and now own the rarest baseball EVER. I share this picture with you for posterity’s sake––and to make you envious.

    This is the ONLY known baseball signed by a solar system of diverse luminaries including: Vic Tayback (Mel in “Alice”) who threw an 18-hitter for the Pirates against the Reds in ’84. His breaking balls weren’t breaking so well.
    Tommy Smothers (Dickie’s little brother) had an unassisted triple play for the Mariners in a ’77 game against the Angels. Smothers didn’t even wear a glove and smoked a pipe of Cherry Blend tobacco throughout the entire game–– even when batting!
    Mr. Ed, who in 1964 became the only horse to every steal home plate in a game the Tigers played against the Orioles. He almost trampled O’s catcher John Orsino to death. Orsino ironically had the nickname “horse” and laughed about the incident from his hospital bed. Well, some say it wasn’t laughter so much as moans of agonizing pain and suffering, but the story is still classic. Mr. Ed rarely gave autographs, making this baseball an invaluable sports relic.
    Dan Rather hit six home runs playing for the Indians against the Yankees in ’92 (he weighed 278 at the time and looked like the Michelin Man, but it was never proven the newscaster took anabolic steroids– so there!)
    Kate Hepburn lept 13 feet over the centerfield wall for the Dodgers to rob Hank Aaron of a home run in ’81 (allegedly, Aaron hasn’t watched any of her movies since!)
    Keith Moon. The madman drummer of The Who in 1976 played two innings at shortstop for the Kansas City Royals and compiled nine errors and hurled sick on two umpires. Moon was ejected from the game and immediately bought a tray of ice cold beers.
    Paul Lynde, “Mr. Middle” of Hollywood Squares fame pitched six games for the San Francisco Giants in 1973 with an incredible ERA of 0.62. The management of the Giants begged Lynde to join the roster, but he declined. “If I’m going to play games, I’ll play Squares, thank you very much,” he said flippantly adding his trademark cackle. Those fans who saw Lynde pitch said he was an incredible hurler with heat, precision and balls that broke like nobody’s business.
    Cher, the woman who defines diva, was the designated hitter for the Yankees in a game against the Royals in ’89. The singer had four at bats with a long drive to left center that was caught, a triple down the right field line, a ground rule double over the centerfield wall and a towering home run into the left field bleachers. “If I weren’t such an incredibly talented singer and gifted natural actor,” she told reporters after the game, “I might just wear some pin stripes full time. They’re slimming on the butt. Hey, Mattingly– buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, ’cause I don’t care if I never get back!”

    Those are just a few of the autographs on this priceless item I now own. I will not disclose how much I paid for this baseball, but let’s just say it was a king’s ransom and a queen’s 401-K. But, I am a tough negotiator– I got the seller to throw in some magic beans. Later I’ll give you a peek at some other famous names on this baseball.

  • Road Trip Wonder

    There is a delicious dessert enjoyed while driving on I-85 through South Carolina: The Glorious Gaffney Peach.

    This magnificent structure stands as a testament to humanity’s ability to think boldly and imaginatively for the enrichment of all. A water tower as a piece of fruit? Yes, it can be done– no wonder we’re top of the food chain, baby!

    Gaffney bills itself as the peach capital of the world, and while I don’t know if that’s true, I do know they have one of the greatest roadside attractions in America. Have a favorite roadside attraction? Please share, tightlips.

    For now, come enjoy a drive by on I-85 South past the Glorious Gaffney Peach, a sight that brings tears of joy to my eyes.

  • Twin Towers to Fall

    After 40 years, two landmarks will be dismantled. A county mourns as petty neighbors celebrate.
    Travelers on I-85 north of Atlanta (by the Jimmy Carter Boulevard exit), have been treated to the Great Gwinnett Twin Towers for over three decades. These glorious water towers serve as a beacon to the universe with their simple declarative statements: “GWINNETT IS GREAT” and “SUCCESS LIVES HERE.” Well, water tower fans, scuttlebutt has it that soon the towers are coming down. As a proud resident (a Gwinnetian) I am saddened at the thought.

    Driving is boring. Most billboards are ugly and suck. Mother Nature can get repetitive on a long drive (she’s prettty stingy with her Grand Canyons, Niagra Falls, Badlands or Big Surs). Thus, roadside attractions like water towers with pithy thought-proving messages are greatly appreciated. Think about this philosophical question–– is Gwinnett great because Success lives here, or does Success live here because Gwinnett is great? Those are two distinct perspectives are worthy of serious brain wrestling. Yet, soon these majestic towers will soon be gone.

    Many in neighboring counties think our towers are boastful. These envious people are happy to see these cherished monuments become memories, but I beg to differ. Gwinnett is great, but that doesn’t diminish our county cousins. I mean, look–– Fulton is fine, DeKalb is decent, Cobb is common, Barrow is bewildering, Hall is helpful, Walton is wistful, Forsyth is funky and Cherokee is cheery.

    Now, imagine for a moment you are Success— where would you live?

    Gwinnett. Where water towers always speak truth, Gwinnetians are masters of the universe and Success can be seen mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters or washing the car on Saturdays.

    Fair thee well, wise water towers. I shall spout waterworks for you long after you’ve gone.