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Hayward: Headhunter Catnip
Now that BP has officially decided to dump CEO Tony Hayward almost 100 days following the Deepwater Horizon catastrophic oil spill, the British executive is updating his resume and preparing to attack the job market. “I reckon the world will be my oyster,” said a confident Hayward sipping champagne from a 24-Karat solid gold jewel-encrusted…
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BP Proposes Fixing Cheney’s Heart
Former V.P. Dick Cheney, age 69, received a HeartMate II LVAD (left ventricular assist device) last week and reportedly is recovering well. But officials at BP think they can help Cheney even more. “After the tremendous success we’ve achieved fixing pesky oil leaks, we sincerely believe we can help the former vice president with his…
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BP Claims To Be “The Best!!!”
Now that it looks like the BP Deepwater Horizon leak may finally be capped after 85 days, BP executives are crowing about their brilliance. “We’re number one!” bragged one executive proudly as he wagged his index finger into this reporter’s face. “We kicked this leak’s butt from here to kingdom come, and you want to…
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BP Says, “Que Sera Sera”
BP is getting tired of being the scapegoat for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that is still dumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and the company is now taking a more Zen approach to its public relations. “Look, we’ve tried the old ‘apologetic, contrition, guilt’ and ‘we’re here for…
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Politicians Hit BP Piñata
It was open season on BP CEO Tony Hayward yesterday in D.C. as politicians on both sides of the aisle beat on him in a great display of what passes for leadership these days. “You shouldn’t have allowed this massive oil leak to happen,” said one representative. “There ought to be a law against such…