Entries tagged with “Donald Trump”.


An early draft of Comey’s Valentine’s Day dinner with Trump shows the ex-top copper has true writing talent.

In a blockbuster exclusive, The Lint Screen has obtained some notes from the first draft of former FBI Director James Comey’s written testimony. It follows

“It was a dark and stormy night. Dark as ink in a windowless closet, wet as a drunk underwater. The President invited me to dinner. He said he wanted to invite my whole family, but he thought there might not be enough ice cream to go around. ‘Screw them,’ he said. ‘Come solo.’

I walked into the Green Room where a small table was set for our satiating needs. Hunger is like a hunger that eats us from within. Delicious irony, how I love thee!

At the table, there were two seats. The lights had been dimmed and four candles illuminated the room warmly. I recalled it was February 14, Valentine’s Day. The President asked me to sit. He winked and pulled my chair out for me.

I sat. He sat. Curious behavior. Obviously, he was mirroring my actions. Why?!!! Immediately, the appetizer was served. Unfortunately, it was not loaded potato skins–– Lordy, how I love me some loaded potato skins, they’re so yummy!

Alas, no skins, it was soup. Soup in a bowl, a bowl round in shape.

The President did not use his eating utensils. He shoveled soup into his mouth with his hand and asked me to pass the bread. I did. I wondered if the butter had been softened. It had not!

Hard butter, a problem.

He asked me if the FBI was investigating Michael Flynn. I said, yes, we are. He said, ‘Flynn is a good guy. Spectacular man. Tremendous talent.’ Then he cupped his soup hand to his mouth and whispered, ‘I hope you can let the investigation go. Look the other way. Take a dive. Forgettaboutit, capiche?’

I said nothing. He said nothing. It was quiet, no talking–– like a mute parrot. The silence enveloped us like a sheet of soft silk over an anvil. It was soft, yet hard.

‘You know,’ he whispered, as he touched my hand with his wet soup-eating hand, ‘I admire you, Jim. I crave your loyalty and I expect it. I need your loyalty, Jimbo. I need it so bad. I’ll give you an extra scoop of ice cream for your undying loyalty.’

I said, Mr. President, I can give you honesty. He said, ‘Honesty’s nice, but loyalty’s nicer.’

I said you will always have my honesty.

‘Screw honesty,’ he bellowed, as his soup fist slammed the table. ‘I’m the boss, and I demand your loyalty!’

I was quiet–– quiet as a church mouse with laryngitis.

I stared at him. He stared at me. We locked eyes for the next 48-minutes. Neither of us blinked. Four eyeballs in a shoving match in which none would yield.

Optic nerves with nerves of steel.

Finally, Mike Pence entered the room. The Vice President was dressed in cowboy pajamas and announced that Hannity was on TV. The President rose and dismissed me. Skeedaddle, he said.

I left. Hungry.

On my ride home, I wondered if the butter had softened. Lordy, how I hate hard butter.”

The President is so good at his job, he’s going to do the media’s job also.

Following President Donald J. Trump spanking of fake news yesterday, the White House has drafted a list of approved questions for the media to ask in press conferences.

“We had to do this,” Jeremy Bostwich, White House senior advisor told The Lint Screen. “Since the fake news is running rampant and not reporting the excellence exhibited every day by this incredible administration, we must do their job for them. I hope they are ashamed of their dereliction of duties but happy we’ve saved their bacon. You’re welcome.”

Here is the list of approved questions to ask the President:

1. What’s your favorite color?
2. Why do you think the crowd was so large on your inauguration day?
3. Do you think is was the largest crowd assembled in history? I mean, possibly?
4. Do you have a favorite Beatle?
5. Who do you think should have succeeded you in “The Apprentice”?
6. What are the milestones of your first thirty days in office?
7. Has this been the most successful presidency in history?
8. If you had to pick a second place whose presidency would you select?
9. What’s your favorite pizza topping?
10. Do you ever tire of winning? I mean, really?
11. Why do you tolerate the media? Part two: should the free press be abolished?
12. That’s a beautiful tie, who makes it?
13. How does it feel to have won in the largest landslide in political history?
14. Would you serve a third term, if the lazy Congress changed the law?

Now, perhaps the fake news will get real.

The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

Look out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!

After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the next president of these United States.

“Hey, why not?” the charismatic mensa member asked The Lint Screen. “I was THE MAN on the shore that is Jer-say. That show was nothing without me. Nothing! Man, I put the reality in reality TV,” The Situation said, while flexing a mountain of muscle on his arm. “Gun show, baby!” He continued pontificating.

“And I rocked on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Look, dude, they say you can’t beat heat, right? And I’ve got heat. Heat like the sun. Listen, I’m not saying I could take the Donald down today, that guy’s good, but let me get my campaign rolling and we’ll see who’s got game, you know? He’s like, what–– 104? I can do him better than making America great again, I can make America super duper terrific again! Hey, I’ll put that on some ball caps–– bam! Look out, baby, I got the mojo it takes. When is the next election anyway? March, or something?”

There was no comment from Trump spokespeople, but there have also been rumors of Snooki contemplating a political career.

Shy guy Donald Trumps takes step to increase confidence.

Shy guy Donald Trumps takes a baby step to increase his confidence.

Newly-announced presidential candidate Donald Trump has hired legendary self-help guru Tony Robbins, The Lint Screen has learned.

“The Donald is not a very outgoing person,” said Sam Blyminauer, Trump campaign manager. “He feels he needs a guy like Tony Robbins on his team to teach him some tricks of how to boost his ego and self confidence. Tony is a master of helping shy folks like Donald come out of their shells and inch their way to the limelight.”

The Trump campaign staff is fearful their candidate may be overshadowed by charismatic superstars like of Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Dr. Ben Carson and the 612 other declared presidential candidates.

“Donald Trump is going to work closely with Tony to make sure his authentic voice is heard,” said Blyminauer. “Although he has shy tendencies, we think through work and practice he’ll open up, goose his retiring ego a bit and make sure that his opinions gets heard.”

It will be interesting to see if this bold plan works!

Gone Rapturin'. Wish you were here!

At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, aggressive life insurance salespeople, Donald Trump, poo-flinging monkeys and what have you.

Talk about your haves and have nots.

While I feel sorry for the rest of you suckers, I have to say I’ve enjoyed your company here on earth. It’s too bad you were evil sinners and didn’t make the upgrade list.

I’ll be getting out while the getting’s good, and I’m hoping there will be no TSA in the after-gig because I don’t relish the idea of my fake hips setting off the alarms and having some saint or angel give me a pat-down. Although an angel pat-down might be a ticklish and enjoyable experience.

In closing, I want to thank all the faithful Lint Screen readers for their literacy and patronage in making this blog one of the most popular on earth containing the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The.” If you make the list for eternal salvation during Rapture, I’ll buy you a drink. If you don’t, I’ll wish you the best in lawyering-up and getting good representation for Judgement Day.

Ciao, babe!

The greatest president ever? Did you have to even ask?

Now that the “long version” of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate has been made public, celebrity head o’ hair Donald Trump is demanding new proof of Obama’s citizenship.

Citizenship in the human race!

The Donald is now claiming that the President may not be a human being, he may be an alien from another planet!

“Look,” Trump told reporters while breaking ripe cantelopes with a polo mallet, “I’m an incredibly successful, charismatic natural born leader. Certainly the most intelligent human ever conceived. People want me to be President. I get that– they’d be nuts not to want me. Now Obama, he’s the leader of the free world–– why won’t he go on air and bare his belly for all the world to see that he was born of woman. I mean, come on, what’s he trying to hide? His showing his belly button would give some proof that he’s not an alien sent here to destroy civilization and eat our children, kill our seniors and bankrupt our society. What’s he trying to hide, anyway? Mr. President, just lift your shirt, bare the button and be done with it.”

“I’d make a great President,” Trump said. “The best ever. Lincoln’d be crap compared to me.”