The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Tide With Clean Coal Is Introduced

    The latest formula from America’s most popular suds-maker contains clean coal!

    Get ready, America, to get your clothes clean–– clean coal clean!

    Today, Tide, the nation’s most popular detergent brand, introduces a revolutionary formula that uses clean coal to do as the launch advertising campaign says and “get clothes clean coal clean!”

    “Tide has always been at the leading edge of clean technology,” said Randall Jeckler, a senior product engineer with the company. “We finally figured out how to harness the incredible cleaning power of clean coal and put it into our famous Tide formula. The results are amazing!”

    Indeed. “Bucky” Tadwarren with the Clean Coal Institute worked closely with the company in the development of the new formula. “Clean Coal is what makes America great,” he said. “We couldn’t be happier it’s found its way into America’s laundry.”

    Both men smiled as they told The Lint Screen about product tests. “In our consumer testing, there was only one small kink with using Tide with Clean Coal–– some people coughed black phlegm after wearing their clothes,” said Mr. Jeckler.

    “That’s no big deal,” continued Mr. Tadwarren. “It’s just a sign that clean coal is working hard to clean.”

    “Although the whites can appear somewhat gray, we’re sure people are going to love the April fresh clean coal aroma it gives clothes,” Mr. Jeckler added.

    Look for the new product at your neighborhood grocery store.

  • Pepsi To Create Caitlyn Jenner Ad

    Caitlyn is coming to the rescue of Kendall!

    Like a juicy steak to a black eye, Pepsi is looking to ease the pain of its recent Kendall Jenner ad fiasco, and today announced it is filming a new video and TV spot featuring her parent, Caitlyn Jenner.

    “We are going to show the world we feel its pain,” Matt Griggob, Pepsi spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to tell another compelling story in which effervescent and always refreshing Pepsi helps people live bolder, live louder, live for now! We think no one embodies the Pepsi spirit better than Caitlyn. The story will be provocative, and accessible in a hip, relevant, appealing way to the younger CSD consumer market. They’ll light up their social media with positive chatter! After people see our new Caitlyn work and have their worlds rocked, they’ll forget Kendall completely. We’ll prove that you can’t send a girl to do a man’s job.”

    The Pepsi spokesman was then quickly ushered away.

    Be on the look-out for new Pepsi work!

  • New Samsung Galaxy S8 Extinguishes Itself

    Sexy new tech anticipates danger and douses itself!

    Yesterday, Samsung officially unveiled its latest smartphone, the Galaxy S8, and it’s a corker!

    Following the embarrassment of the Samsung Galaxy Note 7’s tendency to catch fire, the latest model addresses that possibility in an ingenious way. “It self-extinguishes,” beamed lead product designer Ramsey Leirom.

    The tech wizard told The Lint Screen the thinking behind the new phone.

    “The previous model would occasionally burst into flames, which, after doing some extensive consumer testing, we found was an issue for many people. Apparently getting burned was a problem, so we had to address that. We explored selling a companion asbestos glove for the S8, and then we found out there are a lot of bothersome environmental regulations restricting the use of asbestos. That was a nonstarter! So, we designed a self-extinguishing feature. When the S8 ignites, it’s able to douse itself, putting the fire out and leaving a user’s hand virtually unburned. We also incorporated technology that instantly triggers a call to the local fire department in case they’re needed. We believe this radical new phone technology will sell like crazy–– or, as our launch ad campaign says, ‘They’re selling like hotcakes!’ That’s very clever, right! Hot-cakes!”

    Right!

  • GOP Proposes New & Improved Healthcare Bill

    The doctor will see America now!

    As Republican members of Congress scramble to try and save their health care bill called the American Health Care Act, it looks dead on arrival.

    But, it’s not over yet, The Lint Screen has learned.

    After conferring behind closed doors, Speaker of The House Paul Ryan introduced new legislation called “The Tremendous Healthcare Plan For All Americans Act.”

    The bill promises all Americans “terrific healthcare and medical attention second to none. The best!” In the plan, the entire country will receive all its healthcare provided by President Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein.

    “We heard America loud and clear,” said Speaker Ryan. “Americans want tremendous coverage and low costs. And with our new and improved plan, they’ll get it! By centralizing all medical procedures with one high-skilled, first-rate expert physician, we’ll be able to deliver consistent healthcare to every citizen in an efficient and affordable manner.”

    The Speaker smiled and said he had to rush to the Congressional floor to lead the voting on the new proposed legislation.

    You’re all better now, America!

  • Grilling Judge Neil Gorsuch

    There’s no softball questions from our hardball reporters!

    The editorial board of The Lint Screen has compiled a list of probing questions for Supreme Court Justice nominee Judge Neil Gorsuch and submitted it to the grand inquisitors in Washington.

    Let’s see if the puppet politicians have enough backbone to ask the important questions that matter to all Americans!

    1. “Gorsuch”–– that’s an awfully funny name. Are you related to Al Gore?
    2. Bob Marley confessed that he shot the sheriff, but claimed he did not shoot the deputy. Do you believe he was telling the truth?
    3. What color are your eyes? And, no look-sees in mirrors, please.
    4. Was Diana Ross technically a Supreme, or, in your opinion, was she an entity separate and above The Supremes? Follow up question–– do you honestly believe one cannot hurry love?
    5. I’m thinking of a common kitchen appliance, what is it?
    6. If two trains leave Chicago, one going east at forty miles an hour and the other going south at the speed of light, do you know where I put my dry cleaner claim ticket from Monday?
    7. Do you look good in black? How might you accessorize your robe?
    8. Do you think it’s Constitutionally right that contestants on Jeopardy must answer in the form of a question?
    9. How will you avoid being too judgemental in your job?

    And, scene!

  • Dead Demand Their Voting Rights

    Cemetaries are hotbeds of protest against the denial of their voices being heard.

    The dead are not lying down on their rights as Americans!

    After the 2016 election fraud, politicians are vowing to clamp down on voter fraud that they say cheated President Trump out of millions of votes. One of the key claims is that dead people are enrolled as registered voters.

    “Of course they are,” said Atty. Michael Fitslicka, representing the Concerned Dead Peoples Association (CDPA). “They paid taxes in life and paid the ultimate taxes in death, so by gumbo, they’ve earned the right to vote in perpetuity. If politicians want their votes, they’re going to have to earn them.”

    The CDPA has millions of members. “They’re not all that active, but they are going to be heard on election days,” Atty. Fitslicka told The Lint Screen. “If politicians are serious about earning CDPA votes, I suggest they talk about critical issues like better deathcare and stop building walls and fences around cemeteries to keep them out. They will get to the polls, and they will be heard, of that, you can be sure. Look, they may be dead, but they’re still Americans, by Jiminy!”