The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Punxsutawney Phil Sentenced To Death

    Phil wishes he were blind today.

    There’s a critter who is hating the sun today.

    Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who has his own holiday and movie, saw his shadow this morning when he exited his burrow in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Tradition says that his shadow sighting foretells six more weeks of winter weather for our nation.

    “This will not stand,” said Craig Pewinstar, a local electrician. “I’ve had enough winter weather, and I don’t see why we should be bullied by a chubby rat-like creature. As an American, I’ve got my rights, and I don’t want any more winter! Bring on spring! Make America warm again.”

    Pewinstar began recruiting more people to his cause against Punxsutawney Phil, and soon an angry mob formed demanding the famous groundhog be put to death. Judge Samuel Wilkins, who said he was tired of shoveling snow, pounded his gavel and sentenced Punxsutawney Phil to be executed at sunset.

    “It’s very unfortunate,” local resident Yancy Hawroot told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think poor Phil read the anger of many Americans. He miscalculated, and the consequences could be tragic.”

    Hawroot leaped into action and called the ACLU and PETA to help save the pitiful groundhog. While representatives say they are on their way to plead Punxsutawney Phil’s case, there is no word yet if he will receive a stay of execution. “My hope is that cooler heads will prevail,” Hawroot said. “Or, maybe we can get Phil to disavow his shadow sighting.”

    Craig Pewinstar broke a bottle and brandished it at Hawroot. “Good luck with that, snowflake! That warthog’s pushed us around long enough, and we’re finally going to get some damn justice!”

    Pewinstar was restrained.

  • Bat Boy Slams Fake News

    An upset Bat Boy rails against the evils of fake news!

    Bat Boy, the sensation discovered by the “Poo-Litzer Prize” winning WEEKLY WORLD NEWS has surfaced again and is making headlines with his tirades against fake news.

    “I’ve had it,” an irate Bat Boy told The Lint Screen. “Reporters must uphold the highest degree of journalistic standards, or we are little more than knuckle-dragging apes searching for scraps of informational nourishment. We need a viable and vibrant fifth estate for this sacred duty, and if the integrity of the institution is questionable, well, I fear for humanity.”

    Bat Boy suddenly lunged forward and drove his sharp fangs deep into the throat of this reporter, who began bleeding profusely.

    “Don’t be such a baby,” Bat Boy said. “Get up, tie a tourniquet around your neck and write your damn story. You’re on deadline, man–– you’ve got a job to do. Now go.”

    Here’s your story, people, I hope you’re happy. And let’s keep fake news out of the news.

    Now, I think I’ll pass out…

  • Dude Joins Social Media, Finally

    Cool cat to crush it on Facebook, wants ‘thumbs up’ signs!

    Larry Kolirews has always been his own person.

    “Don’t run with the herd, that’s my slogan,” the 56-year-old guitarist and lead singer of Air Supply cover band “Free Luv” told The Lint Screen. But now, he’s finally diving into the modern world by joining the social media revolution.

    “I just opened my own Facebook account,” Larry said, as he chilled post-concert with a Michelob Ultra and lime. “And I’ve already made an update. I posted, ‘Rock on!’ And guess what? My first post out of the gate got a couple thumbs up signs, which is really good, right? I’m killing it.”

    He laughed and brushed back his hair, then he slowly drew on his vape and exhaled a billow of minty smoke.

    The mellow rocker said he resisted joining social media until he was sure it was here to stay. “I’m not one to go out on the ledge, I like to wade my way into the deep waters before jumping in all willy-nilly.”

    Larry says that he’s excited about the potential of his Facebook account. “I’m making all kinds of friends with people I went to high school with. I think I may see if I can change some of their political opinions or religious views. It seems like that’s what friends should do, and I came to play in the social media world, baby!”

    Welcome, Larry. A big thumb up to you!

  • Congress Votes Itself Huge Raise And Other Perks

    Congressional members dealt themselves a winning hand–– immunity from laws of the land!

    After yesterday’s Congressional embarrassment of flip-flopping on trying to shut down the ethics committee keeping a watchful eye on itself, lawmakers made a bold, decisive move and passed historic legislation this morning.

    The majority voted itself some sweet new perks, including a salary increase of $10-million per member with full salary paid post retirement, and immunity from any laws. Plus, free Amazon Prime membership for life, a set of front-loading Kenmore Elite washer and dryer, a $10,000 Starbucks gift card, and a sharpened machete and Uzi “to keep the stinking masses at bay.”

    “I think we got what we deserved,” Rep. Frank Tumplake of Nevada told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to be working awfully hard on behalf of our constituents for the next two grueling years, and I believe they’d want us to feel valued and fairly compensated for our efforts.”

    Rep. Larry Puppetstrings of Arkansas agrees. “We are dedicated lawmakers and as such, we should be exempt from standing laws. These prohibitive measures will put a crimp on our ability to act in the best interests of the people. How can we protect their rights if we have no rights of our own because a bunch of restrictive laws get in the way of us doing our jobs? It’s imperative we operate above the law!”

    The Congressional legislation, known as the “Let’s Get It While We Can And No One’s Looking” bill, easily passed on its first ballot.

  • 2016 Files For An Extension; World Outraged

    Old man 2016 is trying to stretch the clock!

    Talk about overstaying your welcome–– the year 2016 has officially filed with the universe for an extension. The formal request states that 2016 would serve all of 2017’s term, then retire and allow 2018 to serve.

    “If this extension is granted,” said a universe representative, “it would be unprecedented. The only other known extension request was made by the year 1347 on the grounds that it was on roll with its deadly bubonic plague, having killed a third of the world’s population and wishing to finish the job. The request was denied and 1348 was granted a year of life. 1347 crawled off into the corner, and rats ate it.”

    The world’s population is spitting angry about 2016’s extension request. “This damn year has to go away,” said Charlie McIntreely of Naperville, Illinois. “It’s been awful, one of the worst years ever! I mean, except for the Cubbies, but that’s about it. Rest of the year sucked.”

    Aunjanue Cancienne of Biarritz, France agrees. “I hate 2016. I’d rather have the bubonic plague than a longer 2016, I think it’d be less painful and I wouldn’t have to throw up in disgust as much.”

    And down under, there’s also an undercurrent of anger. “It’d be bloody awful if 2016 continued past December 31,” Malcolm Brindabella of Perth, Australia told The Lint Screen. “I’m pissed. This year can’t be over soon enough. I’d like to get a pillow and snuff this year in its sleep. Die already, 2016! Die!”

    Let’s see what the universe decides. Hold off on buying that 2017 calendar just yet…

  • Santa Claus Not Coming To Town

    Santa says he’s had enough of the “being jolly crap.“

    Christmas is a time for fuzzy slippers and fuzzy feelings for traditions, but one of the oldest traditions won’t happen this year thanks to a cranky ol’ St. Nick!

    In a shocking revelation, Santa Claus held a press conference this morning in the North Pole and declared he would not be traveling this year on Christmas eve delivering presents “to all the good little boys and girls.”

    “Look,” the overweight man stuffed in his red felt casing told The Lint Screen, “I’ve been doing this Christmas delivery gig every year for ages. Enough already! I’m an old man, for chrissakes, I should be enjoying retirement not schlepping all over Earth, squeezing down chimneys and eating tasteless, stale cookies and warm milk. What’s in it for me? A whole lot of nothing but pain and the potential for food poisoning!”

    Santa appears exhausted and upset as he pours himself four fat fingers of Wild Turkey into a crystal tumbler.

    “I’ve had a hell of a run, you know,” he said in a silky bourbon baritone. “I’ve listened to millions of spoiled, greedy kids pestering me for toys and whatnot–– like my elves are their personal slaves. I’ve listened to the thankless brats and smiled, but God, I’ve had enough of the this being jolly crap. Parents, you made the monsters, you get them whatever they want from Amazon or wherever and tell ’em it’s from me! Let Jeff Bezos, UPS and FedEx deliver the loot! You think I like smelling reindeer cracks? I’ve had it; I’m done. Me and the misses are Netflix and chillin’. Hey, if I don’t deserve a Christmas break, who the hell does?”

    With that, Santa tossed back his tumbler and guzzled his Turkey. He reached for the bottle and poured himself another stiff one. “Merry Christmas, dammit! And to all a goodnight!”

    World, be forewarned–– you’re on your own this Christmas.