Geekski Squad spokesperson Ivan Kyzmanokoff gives inside report of new enterprise.
Capitalizing on its success in hacking political email accounts, a new Russian enterprise has been launched in the United States.
Called Geekski Squad, the tech services company will be affiliated with Best Buy stores.
“Are proud to be in U.S.,” company spokesperson Ivan Kyzmanokoff told The Lint Screen. “Believe we offer capitalist citizens best tech services with deep knowledge of hacking and tech. Also offer poisoning service for elimination of enemies. Convenient payment plans available.”
When asked if Geekski Squad will replace Geek Squad, Comrade Kyzmanokoff lit a Sobranie cigarette and spoke in a low measured voice. “Most unfortunate accident have Geek Squad. All people dead. Too bad. New company needed, Best Buy hire Geekski Squad. We also help them sell insurance for products. All good now.” The Russian thrust out his hand and gave a thumbs-up sign as he attempted smiling.
Kyzmanokoff said the company is in the process of reviewing ad agencies to handle its marketing account and looks forward to expanding throughout North America.
Trump Tweet fears are fueling the aggressive social media preparations of world leaders.
Prepare the safe room and stock the bomb shelter, come January 20, you may need to take cover!
With the election of Donald J. Trump as President, the United States faces dangers never before imagined. “It’s going to be a different world,” confessed a Trump insider.
Trump has a reputation for his powerful and deadly Twitter strikes that consume the news media and can send financial markets reeling. World leaders have taken notice and are making significant preparations to ready themselves. A CIA insider spoke to The Lint Screen on the condition of remaining anonymous and receiving a Grande nonfat Starbucks latte and a blueberry scone.
“We’ve been receiving numerous reports globally of actions being taken by bad actors,” the source said. “Ouch, that latte’s scorching. Better let it cool down. Anyway, we’re hearing reports our enemies are taking extreme measures to counteract potential Trump Twitter attacks.”
The tipster said Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaida’s top leader, has recruited a Twitter specialist “known for his razor-sharp wit and nasty aggressiveness.” Likewise, North Korea’s god, Kim Jong-un, has assembled a team of Twitter sharp shooters with thumbs a-blazing. “We’re hearing the Kimster has been blowing smoke about some pre-emptive Twitter strikes against the Donald, but to date, we have no confirmation. If that’s true, it could get real ugly real fast. Potentially we’re looking at the prospect of a Tweet war of biblical proportion.”
Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, is not only bolstering his Twitter capabilities but is also exploring other ‘nuclear’ options. “We have it on good authority that the bearded wonder is exploring an aggressive use of Snapchat and Pinterest, which could be a whole new ballgame. Our country is only now beginning to explore those social media weapons.”
There are no confirmed reports of actions taken by Russia’s boy toy leader, Vladimir Putin, although rumors say his relationship toward the U.S. is softening.
“We’ve heard through back channels there may be an attempt by the Russian Leader to make a Facebook friend request of DJT,” said the CIA source as he attempted a sip of his latte. “Ah, that’s much better. We’re taking a wait and see approach, but a friend request would be huge for the relationship of our countries and could even spur some ‘likes.’”
Even U.S. allies are showing some concern of Trump Twitter strikes. “We have it on good authority that Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel is exploring the use of Instagram in protecting her country’s interests,” the CIA blabbermouth said in his disgusting coffee breath. “Suffice to say, it’s going to be a brave new world come January 20th.”
Student upset by college course seeks help from world, her unlimited cell minutes plan comes in handy.
Celia Davendale considers herself a strong person, but she recently claims to have been “decimated in a cruel and sadistic way” by her college professor, Dr. Sheila Felinbrowe, and has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her college.
Ambien University, located in the pastoral setting of central Vermont, is a liberal arts school with a proud reputation for educating free thinking, well-rounded students. “My parents are paying like $60,000 a year to send me here,” a distraught Ms. Davendale told The Lint Screen. “They are not paying for teachers to terrorize me and make as me anxious as a cat in the middle of the ocean.”
The incident that traumatized the 21-year-old Junior majoring in “Rational Reasoning In Children’s Literature” occurred on November 28 in her “Philosophical Comprehension Of Main Character Motivations And Psychological Underpinnings II” class taught by Dr. Felinbrowe. The tenured professor recounts what happened.
“My lecture that day was on Humpty Dumpty, a popular character with many young readers. I’ve written papers on him, so I know the source material well. I began the class by reading from the original text, and when I got to the section about Humpty Dumpty having a great fall, Celia became apoplectic. She began shouting at me, ‘How could you?! Did he die? Oh, my God, he was an egg! A big egg, it had to have an ugly ending!’ She threw her chair at me and ran out of the classroom sobbing uncontrollably. I was stunned.”
Ms. Davendale immediately contacted an attorney and filed a lawsuit against the University for employing a professor “who endangered my life and mental well-being.”
The student spoke between sobs, “A university is supposed to be a safe space for students. An incubator of protection and nurturing comfort. The fact that Professor Felinbrowe began a lecture about violence without any trigger warnings is absolutely unconscionable. It’s like going to the animal shelter and being forced to watch some maniac kill innocent puppies and kittens. It’s not right!”
The student has undergone counseling to help her get through this rough patch, and Prof. Felinbrowe has been suspended until the court case is resolved. There are no reports from the hospital caring for the injured Mr. Dumpty.
Zuckerberg pledges to ‘dream the impossible dream’ and clean-up fake news on Facebook
Today, Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed that the popular site he founded would immediately eliminate any ‘fake news’ posted in its digital space.
Zuckerberg made the announcement immediately following his solo performance of Man of La Mancha at The Kennedy Center. He played to a packed house of unicorn farmers who are divorced from albino spouses.
“I am saddened to hear that jokers are posting alleged news on the site I invented in 1988 when I was four-years-old and bored with Sesame Street,” an emotional Zuckerberg told The Lint Screen.
“It’s been brought to my attention that during the election season, some questionable stories were posted on Facebook that may have been damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. And while we may never know if she and her husband actually did assist in the Kennedy assassination, or if they are really aliens from a distant socialist universe bent on destroying life on Earth and making it less great, we do have to slow down and ask for news stories to be vetted a little better.”
The multi-billionaire is serious about restoring 100% accuracy to the news posted on Facebook. “We believe the internet needs to maintain its sterling reputation for only containing true and dependable information,” Zuckerberg said, as he dipped his hand into a bucket of electric eels and snatched one. He proceeded to gobble the eel in three bites and swallow it as his throat and belly lit up like a Christmas tree. He thrust out his chest and declared–– “I pledge that Facebook users can rely on our journalistic standards, and, we will “Like” all stories posted! Psychologists have proven that Facebook Likes are more satisfying than nutrition, dopamine or sexual encounters. Facebook Likes are sustenance for the soul!”
Zuckerberg then commanded his Uber app to bring him an elephant dressed as a mouse for his ride home.
Reading public, it looks like you may continue your iron-clad trust of Facebook news!
The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.
Look out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!
After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the next president of these United States.
“Hey, why not?” the charismatic mensa member asked The Lint Screen. “I was THE MAN on the shore that is Jer-say. That show was nothing without me. Nothing! Man, I put the reality in reality TV,” The Situation said, while flexing a mountain of muscle on his arm. “Gun show, baby!” He continued pontificating.
“And I rocked on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Look, dude, they say you can’t beat heat, right? And I’ve got heat. Heat like the sun. Listen, I’m not saying I could take the Donald down today, that guy’s good, but let me get my campaign rolling and we’ll see who’s got game, you know? He’s like, what–– 104? I can do him better than making America great again, I can make America super duper terrific again! Hey, I’ll put that on some ball caps–– bam! Look out, baby, I got the mojo it takes. When is the next election anyway? March, or something?”
There was no comment from Trump spokespeople, but there have also been rumors of Snooki contemplating a political career.
Staring at a decorative platter is as close as most people will get to turkey this Thanksgiving.
Now that the dust has settled over the 2016 presidential election, it appears a wounded nation will not heal quickly as President Obama has officially canceled the traditional Thanksgiving holiday for all Americans.
The president’s statement declared: “If a lot of folks are going to be sad and crying in their mashed potatoes, or gloating, finger waving and name calling, then we can’t have nice things like delicious turkey dinners with pumpkin pie and whipped cream.”
An anonymous White House source told The Lint Screen that the president canceled Thanksgiving over growing concerns for the health of the nation.
“Most families have members with differing political points of view,” the source said. “Even ordinary Thanksgiving gatherings present the potential for trouble. But after this election, emotional instability is sky high. And with more guns in the country than citizens, well, you have the real potential for a bloodbath of Biblical proportions. The president didn’t have any choice in the matter. It’s sad, but what are you going to do?”
Lobbyists for liquor manufacturers are livid over Obama’s decision. “He’s trying to kill our business,” said Greg Herpesall, a lobbyist for Diageo. “Families consume ten times as much liquor when they gather with family, now what are they supposed to do? Sit around, sing kumbaya and be sober? Stupid nanny state!”
But there is a silver lining as result of the Thanksgiving cancelation: Butterball has set up a counseling helpline for those people jonesing for turkey. Rates are $2.99 per minute and $10.99 a minute for turkey calls with no dressing.
