The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Nation Grips For Post-Election Depression

    A nation begins to freak-out at prospect of deciding with too-little time.
    A nation begins to freak-out at prospect of deciding with too-little time.

    The citizens of the United States of America are electing a new leader on Tuesday, November 8, and that has many of them fearful.

    “I’m worried about depression,” said Melissa Redburney, “Not an economic one, but the sad boo-hoo-hoo kind.”

    Indeed! The Lint Screen spoke with noted psychologist Dr. Samuel Hummtin. “The problem is Americans are by nature a competitive people, and as such, they enjoy the spirit of good sportsmanship. The idea that citizens only get a 600-700 days election cycle is troubling. That’s a mere two billion dollars in advertising and trillions of dollars in media exposure time! Speaking as a professional, people always crumble and go bonkers when they have to make snap judgments and decisions.”

    Boston native Pete Cookerd is already shaken. “I’ll vote on Tuesday, but honestly, I’m going to have a hard time deciding. Who is Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump? I wish they’d advertise, or the media would focus on them a little. They’re like a couple of strangers to me. I may be in the election booth for hours–– flipping coins, playing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.”

    Of course, the most troubling thing is what happens on November 9. “I already have a booked calendar for people desperate and anxious for a new election cycle to begin,” said Dr. Hummtin as he lit his pipe, stroked his beard, and wagged his finger. “Let’s face it, 2020 will be here before you know it, and people will once again feel they are under-exposed to the candidates.”

  • Exclusive Dylan Interview

    The masterful wordsmitty sits and speaks his piece with The Lint Screen.
    The masterful wordsmitty sits and opens up to The Lint Screen like a California poppy on a sunny day.

    It’s been a good year for singer/songwriter/author Bob Dylan. He recently was selected to receive the 2016 Nobel Prize in Literature, and back in May, he found his lucky guitar pick he lost in 1965. 51-years later–– Hello, it was in the pocket of his Levi’s!

    2016’s been a very good year indeed!

    We invited Mr. Dylan to The Lint Screen offices for an exclusive interview, and he arrived with a fresh-baked homemade cinnamon bundt cake and a box of Starbucks Verona Blend. Was the mysterious recluse ready to become a ‘cluse?’ He lit a Marlboro red, tossed the pack on the table, plopped into a beanbag chair, and we got right into it.

    TLS: So, Bob, what kind of tires do you prefer?
    BD: No one’s ever asked me that before.
    TLS: We dig deeper than most.
    BD: Guess I’m a Goodyear guy.
    TLS: Nice. Well, thanks for coming by, and thanks for the coffee and cake. Delicious!
    BD: That’s it? No questions about my Nobel Prize? My songs? My life?
    TLS: No. We’re good.
    BD: You don’t want to ask about my writing?
    TLS: Hmmm. When it comes to writing, do you prefer blue or black ink?
    BD: Blue.
    TLS: Good. Thanks.
    BD: No, wait. Black. I meant black––
    TLS: I think we’re done here, Bob Dylan.
    BD: You journalists are tough.

    With that, the big shot left our offices. Bob, if you’re reading this, come back and get your bundt cake pan–– you’ll want it for touring. And congratulations again on finding that lucky pick.

  • Millions of Americans Conspire In “Rigged” Election

    Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!
    Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!

    The Lint Screen has learned through an exhaustive journalistic deep dive that millions of Americans are conspiring against presidential candidate Donald J. Trump, just as he suspects.

    “He’s on to us,” said a shadowy figure who wished to remain synonymous.

    The conspiracy is widespread as a majority of American voters have been secretly meeting late at night and agreeing they would not vote for Trump.

    “The joke’s on him,” said one unnamed source who wished to remain autonomous. “He thinks he’s going to win, but he’s not. I know it’s cruel to lead someone to believe something on purpose, and then kick him, but, what can you do–– it’s funny.”

    Trump has said publicly he’s suspected the upcoming election is “rigged” and like most of what he says, he’s spot on. Indeed, the rigging is underway as voters begin casting early ballots and the big fix comes down on November 8.

    “It’s too bad Trump’s such a smart guy and he knows the shenanigans we’re up to,” said one of the conspirators who asked to remain Anthonomus. “It’s going to break his heart, but it’s going to be a blast watching him pout and get angry.”

    For the record, The Lint Screen has never been awarded a Pulitzer Prize and we know that the whole damn thing is rigged because everyone knows we deserve one!

  • Billy Bush Gets New Show

    The smiling host of BB's Locker Room
    The smiling host of ‘BB’s Locker Room Talk Show’

    Following his suspension from NBC’s Today Show, Billy Bush, the disgraced celebrity suck-up, has announced he will be hosting a new show called BB’s Locker Room Talk.

    “It’s going to be huge,” Bobby Lewiscrafton, the show’s producer told The Lint Screen. He lit a fourteen-cent cigar and waxed poetic.

    “Billy knows how to get the best out of people. His natural curiosity and deep, probing intellect will make for a compelling hour of weekday television. And I’m happy to say this will be the first mobile talk show in history. The concept is a bus designed with locker room decor. Billy and his guests will roll across the America wearing nothing but towels as they chew the fat and talk game plans for making moves and love strategies and what-have-yous. It going to be a blast. This show will have something for everyone! Our first guests are Gloria Steinem and Bill Cosby.”

    Billy Bush’s Locker Room Talk is sponsored by Tic Tac candies. Check local listings for showtimes.

    Set design for Bill Bush's bus chat show.
    Set design for Billy Bush’s bus chat show.

  • Candidates To Wear Electric Debate Collars

    Civility will be assured with new candidate electric shock collar.
    Civility will be assured with electric shock collars.

    After numerous complaints of poor behavior during this campaign season, the League of Women Voters has decided that presidential candidates must wear electric shock collars in future debates.

    “We’ve seen Hillary and Donald square off, and it was ugly,” said Emily Tortsover, the head of the debate organizing committee told The Lint Screen. “And last night, we witnessed the Tim and Mike show. It was an awful affair and their behavior was completely unacceptable. We’ve tried rewarding candidates with treats for good behavior, but that doesn’t seem to work. Something had to be done, and electric collars are the natural solution.”

    For Sunday’s presidential debate, Ms. Clinton and Mr. Trump will be outfitted with heavy duty electric neck collars. “We can issue up to 50,000 watts if anyone gets too out of hand,” said Ms. Tortsover. “We hope we won’t have to go to that extreme, but we have a bank of generators just in case. We really don’t want to tax the power grid if things get ugly again.”

  • Wells Fargo’s Stumpf Sentenced to Time With Warren

    Stumpf thinks he knows pain. He don't know nothing about pain!
    Stumpf thinks he knows about pain. No, he don’t know nothing about pain!

    Wells Fargo’s sleazy, scumbag, top dog bankster John Stumpf will forfeit $41 million in stock bonuses. The action is the result of the greedy bastard’s dictate to cheat customers by creating over two million bogus accounts in their names without their knowledge so Wells Fargo could fleece them with fees.

    Aw, poor baby–– 41 million could buy a lot of ba-bas!

    But gird your loins, mister big shot, because federal judge Judy Jay also sentenced the top turd to three days confinement in the vault of Wells Fargo’s downtown San Francisco branch, with Sen. Elizabeth Warren as his cellmate.

    “I think Mr. Strumpf could use a good talking to,” Judge Judy told The Lint Screen, “and I think Elizabeth is just the person to make him her bitch.”

    When he was told his harsh sentence, Strumpf screamed and pounded his bandaged hand against the desk. “No, no, please–– anything but that! That woman’s crazy! Can’t I just do life at Alcatraz? Send me to Gitmo, waterboard me with Drano, anything but Warren!”

    Judge Judy smiled and nodded to the attending police officers. “Take him away, boys, I hate to see little babies cry.”