The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • World Shaken By Two Recent Tragedies

    Psychiatrists wonder what will become of us all following their split.
    What will become of us all following their split?

    They say horrible news travels in threes.

    1. Hiddleswift de-couple
    2. Brangelina now kaputski
    3. God only knows!

    The entire planet mourns as it learns that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s dream “it” couple, leaving the world’s population of 7.4 billion people in the lurch.

    “I’m just heartbroken,” a weepy Clarice Winstonfork of Towson, Maryland, told The Lint Screen. “Waking up every day knowing that Brad loved Angie and she loved him gave my life purpose, a reason for being. Now? Who knows? I just feel empty. I may be in bed all day tomorrow.”

    Teddy “The Stabber” Tummery, leader of the Chicago Hell’s Angel chapter was also shaken by the news. “I thought they were real good together. Like salt and pepper. Or, cotton candy and malt liquor. The news kind of makes me wonder if true love is just an illusion, some faint scent of hope given to us by poets and damn liars who ought to be strung up and dragged four miles behind a bike then used as a pin cushion.”

    Brittany Jawson, an accountant in London, is also upset by the news. “I’m gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked to hear Brangelina is no more. I was terribly shaken by Hiddleswift, and now this? It has me searching the skies for four horsemen. This must be a sign of some kind and not a good one.”

    Dr. Xun Mei Rou, a pediatrician in Guangzhou, China, is also rattled by the split. “I look into the innocent eyes of children and I have to fight the urge to shake them and tell them not to grow up because there is no such thing as true love. It didn’t happen for Brad and Jen, and now it won’t happen for Brad and Angelina. When I heard the news, I guess I overreacted a little. I had to be restrained while the jaws of life were used to remove a four-year-old girl from my hands. I apologized to the parents, but I’m not sure they understood what I’ve been going through.”

    Meanwhile, some way, we will all somehow make it through our days. Our long, miserable, sad, pathetic tear-drenched days.

  • Pets Bored By Election

    Snookie shows her keen interest in the U.S. presidential race.
    Snookie shows her keen interest in the U.S. presidential race.

    While the human race is in a lather over the United States presidential race, a recent survey conducted by The Lint Screen shows the pet population is sick and tired of it.

    “It’s stupid,” said Bowser, a four-year-old boxer in Boston. “I swear, it’s all the news has been about for like three years now. When in the hell is this big deal election anyway? Could we just stop this madness already?”

    Cotton, a sixteen-year-old tabby cat in Los Angeles, agreed the election is horrible. “It’ll just be another two-legged sweet talker spouting lies and wearing clothes, clothes that would look better with some cat fur on them.”

    Even Ms. Pickles, an eight-year-old parrot in Carbondale, Illinois, thinks this election is boring. “It’s just a meat puppet popularity contest. This Polly don’t want a cracker–– this Polly wants the TV remote! Let’s see what’s on TLC–– enough already!”

    Perhaps Honeypot, a two-year-old cat in Canton, Ohio said it best. “I could care less who wins. Who’s going to feed me? That’s all I want to know, I’m hungry over here. Meow, already!”

    Be advised: please refrain from showing your pets any election news.

  • TSA To Offer Premium Security Services

    The TSA promises to get "more intimate" with screenings.
    The TSA promises to get “more intimate” with screenings.

    The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) wants to curry favor with the American public, and is taking drastic measures to gain popularity.

    Wayne K. Lundersom, the Sec. of the TSA told The Lint Screen the exciting new services the security organization will be offering the air traveling public effective October 1.

    “We’re sick and tired of hearing people complain about our pat-downs,” Lundersom said. “So now, we’re going to offer premium services that will provide something the average traveler may have never experienced before–– a truly intimate connection with our agents.”

    Lundersom explained that all major airports would have security stations offering the “Personal Pat-Pat,” a 15-minute premium inspection with a $46 price tag that includes a warm massage table, hot oil, incense, mood lighting and smooth Kenny G. or Yanni music.

    “It will be the most relaxing, enthralling, stimulating experience that the TSA has ever offered, and we’re sure it’s going to be very popular with Joe and Jane public,” the portly security officer said with a wide grin. “We’re doing away with the latex gloves on our Personal Pat-Pats so we can go skin-on-skin and make a deeper connection with passengers.”

    But the TSA isn’t stopping there! “We’ll also have the option for folks to enjoy a special Psychic Screening for just $18,” Lundersom said. “Rather than go through an X-ray machine, the traveler will be submitted to an inspection performed by a psychic who can instantly determine if the flier is a terrorist or a psychotic who will pose a threat to the flight. This Psychic Screening is much less evasive than our traditional screening methods, and won’t destroy an inspectee’s brain, internal organs or reproductive capabilities. That’s worth at least $18!”

    Another new premium service is the optional “Future Forecasting” that utilizes trained palm readers. “Our research shows people have a high level of anxiety when traveling,” Lundersom said. “For only $12, we’ll have a trained professional who’ll examine a passenger’s hand and tell them whether or not they’re about to board a plane destined to crash. I know I’d want to know! For us, it’s all about providing the flying public enhanced peace of mind and security.”

    Lundersom also said that the TSA will have machines selling flight insurance to passengers. “We want to cover all the bases,” he said with a wink. “And insurance lets you relax and calm down knowing you’ll be leaving behind a pile of money for loved ones. We are keen on all these innovative services we’ll soon be offering!”

    Up, up, and away!

  • Weiner’s iPhone Confiscated By Wife

    Weiner is put on ice.
    Weiner is put on ice.

    Anthony Weiner’s in the doghouse. Again.

    He’s in Dutch with the ol’ ball and chain for sexting. The 147th time he’s been caught. Wha-wha-wha!!!

    His wife, Huma Abedin, an aide to Hillary Clinton, has snatched his iPhone from his horny little hands after Weiner was caught sexting another woman.

    “I’ve about had it with him,” Abedin told The Lint Screen. “In fact, today I called Tim Cook at Apple and told him to begin development on an anti-Weiner software update for all iPhones. My husband must be stopped. Now! Anthony seems to have a bit of a problem, and if technology can’t solve it, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I tried getting him to play Candy Crush, and all he did was take crotch shots and send them to I-don’t-know-where!”

    “I guess I’m a rascal,” Weiner confessed. He smiled and looked down at his feet, at least that’s where this reporter thought he was looking.

  • Lochte To Give Volkswagen Credibility

    Lochte will lend his authenticity and good name to VW.
    Lochte will lend his authenticity and good name to VW.

    Following its fiasco of falsifying diesel emissions tests in America and Europe, Volkswagen has found a juicy beefsteak to place on its black eye–– enlisting Ryan Lochte, Olympic medal-winning swimmer as its spokesperson.

    “Ryan will bring gold back to our tarnished reputation,” Sandy Berstendt, Sr. Director of Public Relations for Volkswagen told The Lint Screen. “When you have a bit of a goof up, it can cost you. In our case, over $87 billion. But more costly than the money is the potential damage it could do to our good name. Ryan Lochte will help us get that back!”

    Lochte, a physically fit athlete known for getting wet, will be featured in a new advertising campaign for Volkswagen depicting the gentleness of the cars are at the pump.

    “Ryan has integrity and character,” Berstendt said, “and his likability is just infectious. Like a parasite or something burrowing into your marrow. He has a genuine authenticity. When Ryan Lochte speaks, it’s gospel, and we think when he speaks on behalf of our brand, one plus one will equal six! And we believe that’s a winning formula.”

    There is no word on when the new campaign will break, or if the VW products will feature their mileage claims.

  • Bubbles Admits Elaborate Ruse

    Clown appears joyous, but it's all a lie!
    Clown appears joyous, but it’s all a big, fat lie!

    Over the years, Bubbles the Clown has made thousands laugh with his wacky antics and silly hijinks working for Majorie, Kane & Cooper Circus. On the surface, Bubbles appears to be the funniest creature on Earth.

    But, the Clown recently admitted to The Lint Screen that it is all a lie!

    “I’m a fake,” the despondent man in greasepaint said, pouring himself a rye whiskey neat. “I may have a smile painted on my kisser, but I’m not happy. Not by a longshot, no siree!”

    In fact, Bubbles admitted he sometimes gets “lower than whale turds” after he sees the TV news or reads the newspaper. “It’s all so depressing, so futile. We’re just zombie-walking through an existential hellscape until we drop dead and become worm chow. I mean, really, what’s it all mean? What’s it all matter? I don’t know.”

    The clown said he gets little enjoyment from making others smile and laugh. “I know that I should, but I honestly think I’m just helping people avoid the ugly truth of life’s constant struggle and endless swamps of pain, misery and suffering. Last week, I was telling a six-year-old my philosophy of life, and the kid’s parents got upset and reported me to management. Then, the boss threatened me. He said to keep my fat yap shut or he’d send my size 68-wides walking to the unemployment line. So, I straightened up and flew right. I know where my bread’s buttered.”

    Bubbles poured the last of his whiskey down his gullet and flung the empty bottle against a brick wall. “The sound of breaking glass does make me kind of happy,” he said. Then he smiled at this reporter and said, “Hey, want to pull my finger and see what happens?”

    The naturally inquisitive reporter did pull his finger.

    Apparently, the clown suffers from extreme gastrointestinal troubles. No wonder he’s sad.