The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Another Dylan Notebook Found

    Portrait of the artist as a two-wheeled young man.
    Portrait of the artist as a two-wheeled young man.

    Dylanistas have rejoiced at the recent news that notebooks of Bob’s working lyrics from his “Blood on The Tracks” days have been discovered and archived in Oklahoma at a cost of an estimated $15-$20 million.

    Not bad for a dude from Hibbing, MN.

    Now, another Dylan notebook has been found in Woodstock, New York, where the master lived following his motorcycle accident in the summer of 1966.

    “This notebook is an incredible discovery,” Dr. Kerry Hubabbabba told The Lint Screen. “It shows Dylan at his most vulnerable–– the reluctant voice of a generation who has both metaphorically and literally crashed on the road. While it may not be some of his best work, it is some of his most curious and thought-provoking. On its pages, we witness an artist obviously in search of something. What exactly? Your guess is as good as mine, maybe better because I have pretty low self-esteem since my divorce.”

    Here are some excerpts from the “accidental Dylan” notebook:

    ROAD BURNED
    “there’s nothing here
    I ain’t seen before
    cuz nothing matters anymore
    I think I’ll go and try to get some sleep
    god, my leg burns like hell”

    THE CHASE
    “don’t tell you don’t think that
    things couldn’t be better
    we had our time
    chasing the big and little hands
    round the numbers
    they went round an round
    wish I had some more pain pills so I could get some damn sleep”

    THE DOCTOR
    “he comes in
    an checks me out
    says I’m doin well
    well that I doubt
    feel like hell
    write me some scripts now
    you damn white coat bastard you
    so pain pill’s will release me
    from something or other
    some word that may or may not rhyme”

    NO SLEEP
    “four twenty-two A.M.
    the clock announces
    my eyelids are flappin
    mouth’s yawnin exhausted
    no coal in the engine
    but still I can’t stop
    wish had more pills
    pills I could pop
    crap–– think I mighta busted my shoulder too!”

    I HATE MOTORCYCLES
    “two wheels
    tryin to kill
    never gonna saddle
    feel your thrills
    pills are kickin in
    pretty unicorns fly
    got dragon airlift
    take you up in the sky
    rainbows and magic will be something nice to have
    wonder if there’s any roast beef left
    could use a sandwich
    I’m starved dammit
    hope Sara got something at the store
    are we out of mayo?
    I wonder”

    For the time being, Dylan’s “Accidental Notebook” is being housed Earl’s Ace Hardware in Woodstock, by the cash register.

  • Corona Changing Name to “U.S.A.”

    Who needs lime?
    Who needs lime?

    The beer battles are on!

    Following the announcement that number one domestic beer Budweiser will be changing its name to “America” on packaging, the number one Mexican beer Corona today unveiled plans to change its name to U.S.A.

    “We are not going to be out-patriotized by a Belgium-owned brewer,” Corona spokesperson Margarita Diaz told The Lint Screen. “We are even going to promote serving bottles of U.S.A. with slices of apple because apples are what’s used to make mom’s apple freaking pie! Bam, Bud! Bam!”

    When asked for a comment, a spokesman for Budweiser said, “Corona’s obviously desperate. What a pathetic gimmicky stunt. It cheapens their brand. They better sell what they can while they can because after we get our new wall built, they won’t even be able to get into America, the country–– not the beer.”

    Pabst Blue Ribbon is still Pabst Blue Ribbon.

  • Kim Jong-un Enters Race For U.S. Presidency

    'lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!
    ‘lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!

    The Lint Screen has learned that the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un, has decided to enter the United States Presidential race.

    “The Glorious One will annihilate the other candidates,” said Dennis Rodman, official spokesperson for the North Korean leader. “The man is a god; he once shot sixteen playing eighteen holes at Augusta National. He hit a baseball 6,988 miles. He scored over 30,800 points playing against the Harlem Globetrotters. He would win the Kentucky Derby with a horse on his back. The Amazing One cannot and will not be defeated in any contest!”

    Asked if Kim Jong-un would be running as a Democrat, Republican or Independent, Mr. Rodman raised his eyebrows and said, “He’ll run as the next President, and once in office, he’ll attack America if it does not do his will. Dude plays for keeps.”

    No bumper stickers or yard signs are available yet.

  • Kansas Girl Vows To Kill Witch

    Cute girl makes a commitment to a more colorful world.
    Cute girl makes a commitment to a more colorful world.

    Dorothy Gale is sick and tired of the bleak, drab Kansas landscape, and she’s going to do something about it, The Lint Screen has learned.

    In a stunning move, the young orphan announced she wanted some color in her world, and she’ll do whatever it takes to get it.

    “I read somewhere that all you have to do is kill a witch, and then it’s all rainbows and emerald cities and stuff,” said the pretty teen as she put a chaw of tobacco into her mouth. “If that’s all it takes, consider it done,” she said spitting a brown stream on to the dreary midwest dirt.

    Ms. Gale said she plans to “drive my Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s shack and park it on a witch” as soon as the weather permitted. “It’s getting to be tornado season, and I think I can catch a wave and ride the sombitch right on top some Broom Hilda. Then, bada bing, I’m golden.”

    The petite girl twisted open a forty of Olde English 800 Malt Liquor and looked pensively to the foreboding sky. “I’ve got to blow this pop stand soon and find some damn rainbows before I snap and kill everyone I see with a shotgun.” Toto, her adorable dog, yapped and Dorothy kicked him across the field.

    “Shut up, you,” she demanded, as she took a long draw on her bottle.

  • The Lint Screen Shunned In ’16 Pulitzers

    No dice for "The Lint Screen" because the whole thing is rigged.
    No dice for “The Lint Screen” because the whole damn thing is rigged and the fix was in.

    The world still may not be breathing following the shocking news that The Lint Screen did not receive any 2016 Pulitzer Prize Awards.

    “This is almost unconscionable,” said Dr. Lawrence Kidneyworttle, English Department Chairman of The Amazingly Epic Incredible University in Greilickville, Michigan. “I imagine if one had a feather one could knock me over with said feather. I am that shocked The Lint Screen was shunned.” The spry 80-something bald man pulled a pipe from his tweed jacket, plucked some tobacco from his trouser pocket, and began packing a firm bowlful. He started a fire on his office floor with flint, some twigs, and dry leaves. Then, he patiently lit his pipe with a smouldering twig, savoring the smoke like a man who appreciates things like pipe tobacco smoke. He continued in that was of his (you know the way I’m talking about–– his melodic, rich baritone whisper, one that could talk a cat from a tall tree or a suicide jumper into buying him a double bourbon at the bar).

    “For almost eight years, I can think of no more august and revered journal of authoritative fact and integrity than The Lint Screen,” the learned man said as a spark from his pipe jumped into his beard and began to smolder. “It is the epitome of high journalistic standards and hardly ever makes boo-boos or boners. And many times, I like the pictures, too.”

    The doctor’s beard became a brush fire across his face, and he began flailing his arms and screaming in high-pitched agony. This reporter looked on shaking his head in disbelief–– how could The Lint Screen be ignored yet again?!

    Is there no justice in the world?

    The office stunk of burning hair and disappointment, as the reporter put on his fedora with the ‘PRESS’ card in it, and left.

  • 11 Little-Known Masters Tournament Facts

    What you don’t know about The Masters Golf Tournament could fill a blog post.
    What you don’t know about The Masters Golf Tournament could fill a blog post.

    When the referee blows the whistle and the starting gun is fired tomorrow morning, The 80th Masters Golf Tournament will officially begin. The Lint Screen looks at some little-known tidbits that may make you say, “huh?”
    1. The original name of the competition was “The Super Duper Golfing Badass Slugfest Annihilation Smackdown”
    2. The winner of the Tournament is awarded a Green Jacket, a tradition began in 1986, following the tradition of awarding the winner a stylish Members Only jacket
    3. Augusta National Golf Club used to only have fourteen holes, one of which had an electric windmill (no. 4) and one featuring a large clown face with a mouth that opened and closed to trap golf balls (no. 10)
    4. Ray’s Bridge originally had a $2 toll, the tollbooth was removed when back-ups were caused by players who did not have correct change
    5. All of the water seen on Augusta National was collected from un-drunk water glasses collected at Cracker Barrels nationwide
    6. A four-legged animal has never won a green jacket, or, an adorable green sweater
    7. Augusta was the birthplace of The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, who unbelievably, never won a Masters Tournament (but he did wear a cool cape)
    8. The greens at Augusta National can be fast or slow, depending on the amount of WD-40 or Velcro
    9. Caddies are not allowed to ride Rascals on Augusta National’s pristine grounds, but in Wal-Mart, well, all bets are off
    10. Just about every player who has ever won The Masters used a small spherical-shaped object
    11. The most memorable Champion’s Dinner happened in 1983 when Stinky “Rotten Teeth” Yarbunger requested cotton candy, funnel cakes, candy apples, and salt water taffy

    Enjoy the show!