Now that Jeb! has officially sat on the sidelines of the 2016 Presidential race, his running mate ! has decided to go it alone.
“! really feels like it has a real shot,” a spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “! is the most energetic and qualified punctuation mark in the English language, and has as much political experience as some of the other candidates. ! is pretty pumped to serve in the White House and lead America, which it plans to rename AMERICA! That’s a position no red-blooded American can oppose.”
The spokesperson asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and nasty Tweets.
Kanye West claims to be $53 million in debt, and his plea to Mark Zuckerberg for a cool billion has gone “unfriended”–– but a new man has entered the picture to save K’s bacon The Lint Screen has learned.
MC Hammer!
The legendary hip-hop star says he is “overjoyed” to be called on for help. “I know how to manage money,” Ham said as he fluffed his gold leaf parachute pants. “I’ll show Kanye how to stretch a buck. I’ll make him wealthy again in no time flat because when it comes to financial management acumen, well, you can’t touch this,” he said as he performed a split.
Six minutes later, two associates came to lift the former star from the floor. “Anyone got Zuckerberg’s digits,” MC asked. “I may need a new hip or two.”
Tom Woolery is having his mail forwarded to cloud nine. The 42-year old Wausau, Wisconsin dentist just learned he has his second friend on Facebook.
“Got to say, I’m pretty darn jacked,” said the bachelor as he flossed. “I wasn’t so sure about this social media thing, but now that Betsy Ordencott has confirmed me as a Facebook friend, well, I think I’ve turned the corner on amassing what the kids call a posse.” He toasted The Lint Screen reporter and did a shot of Listerine, squished it around in his mouth for twenty seconds and spat it into the sink. “Yes siree,” he said with a wide pearly smile, “got me two Facebook friends! That’s got to be some kind of record.”
“I think I remember him,” confessed Ms. Ordencott, a 42-year old environmental engineer with the state. “He was kind of a pudgy kid who sat behind me in Mrs. Timkins high school algebra class. Wore a lot of plaids, and brown-bagged stinky sandwiches most days, as I recall.” Asked if this new friendship was going to change her life, the divorced mother of two teens was nonplussed. “I doubt it. I have like 780, 790 Facebook friends. He’s just another log on the fire.”
“I’m hoping I get to meet Betsy again some time soon,” said Mr. Woolery. “I’d also like to meet my other Facebook friend, a friendly guy named Mark Zuckerberg. He seems nice.”
A jubilant Ted Cruz told a packed auditorium in Manchester, New Hampshire that his main rival in Tuesday’s primary, Donald J. Trump, had dropped out of the race.
“The Donald has quit the presidential race because that’s what quitters do–– they quit,” said a smiling Cruz.”Let’s face it, Trump’s a born loser. And Rubio, Carson, Christie, and Bush, they’ve all pulled the plug on their campaigns because they said their clothes were getting dirty and smelling funky, so they all ran home to be close to their closets and their dry cleaners. What babies–– they’re all weak!”
The crowd cheered at the news of a narrowing field. Candidate Cruz continued. “Americans deserves a president who has a vast wardrobe of blue and gray suits and isn’t afraid to overpack. America deserves Ted Cruz!”
The prince of darkness, Satan himself, is angry that Earthlings have not heeded the repeated calls over the years for environmental protections to alleviate climate change on the planet.
“Hell has a vested interest in what’s happening above us,” the Antichrist told The Lint Screen. “Good gravy, we’re down here in the boiler room. If it’s getting hot up there, imagine what it’s like down here! Criminy!”
Beelzebub says the lakes of fire in hell have never been hotter. “Sweet gum drops, we used to joke, ‘hot enough for ya?’ but not anymore. It’s too dagblasted hot for everyone! I get exhausted mopping my brow, for pete’s sake. It’s so toasty, I can’t even wear my ABBA tee shirt. I wear a doggone wife beater.”
Lucifer said the rising temperatures were also taking a toll on his operating costs. “Good gravy, we’ve doubled our pitchfork expenses. We’re lucky if we get three or four good jabs into sinners before the pitchfork tines just melt. It’s put our budgeting in a nasty pickle.”
The grand tempter/son of perdition, says he “prays” humans do the right thing. “If they don’t, well sweet jimmy, I’m going to have to look into getting a couple of box fans down here. Or a lemonade concession. Something’s got to give, for cry-eye!”
Now that Sarah Palin has officially announced she’s on Team Trump, The Lint Screen has learned that all presidential candidates are making serious pushes to secure an endorsement from Joe The Plumber.
“Joe’s support is crucial for the next person to occupy the White House,” said “Bugsy” Woolcott, a top political consultant as he lit a Cuban cigar with a burning $100 bill. “This is not a Republican or Democrat issue, it doesn’t matter who wins, that person is going to need a good plumber. The White House is older than dirt and clogs are common. The next president is going to need a man who knows how to snake a drain more than a strong economic policy adviser or foreign policy maker. As the old adage goes, ‘you can’t fake plumbing’.”
Joe the Plumber has been coy about showing support for anyone just yet, but candidates from both parties are scheduling sit-downs with the king maker.
One thing is certain: whoever sits on the throne next is going to need Joe the Plumber in his/her corner, or suffer the consequences.
