The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Wisconsin Man Secures Second Facebook Friend

    Look who's suddenly Mr. Popular!
    Look who’s suddenly Mr. Popular!

    Tom Woolery is having his mail forwarded to cloud nine. The 42-year old Wausau, Wisconsin dentist just learned he has his second friend on Facebook.

    “Got to say, I’m pretty darn jacked,” said the bachelor as he flossed. “I wasn’t so sure about this social media thing, but now that Betsy Ordencott has confirmed me as a Facebook friend, well, I think I’ve turned the corner on amassing what the kids call a posse.” He toasted The Lint Screen reporter and did a shot of Listerine, squished it around in his mouth for twenty seconds and spat it into the sink. “Yes siree,” he said with a wide pearly smile, “got me two Facebook friends! That’s got to be some kind of record.”

    “I think I remember him,” confessed Ms. Ordencott, a 42-year old environmental engineer with the state. “He was kind of a pudgy kid who sat behind me in Mrs. Timkins high school algebra class. Wore a lot of plaids, and brown-bagged stinky sandwiches most days, as I recall.” Asked if this new friendship was going to change her life, the divorced mother of two teens was nonplussed. “I doubt it. I have like 780, 790 Facebook friends. He’s just another log on the fire.”

    “I’m hoping I get to meet Betsy again some time soon,” said Mr. Woolery. “I’d also like to meet my other Facebook friend, a friendly guy named Mark Zuckerberg. He seems nice.”

  • Cruz Says Trump Quit Race

    Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.
    Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.

    A jubilant Ted Cruz told a packed auditorium in Manchester, New Hampshire that his main rival in Tuesday’s primary, Donald J. Trump, had dropped out of the race.

    “The Donald has quit the presidential race because that’s what quitters do–– they quit,” said a smiling Cruz.”Let’s face it, Trump’s a born loser. And Rubio, Carson, Christie, and Bush, they’ve all pulled the plug on their campaigns because they said their clothes were getting dirty and smelling funky, so they all ran home to be close to their closets and their dry cleaners. What babies–– they’re all weak!”

    The crowd cheered at the news of a narrowing field. Candidate Cruz continued. “Americans deserves a president who has a vast wardrobe of blue and gray suits and isn’t afraid to overpack. America deserves Ted Cruz!”

  • Hell Experiencing Ravages of Climate Change

    Hell is even hellier thanks to climate change.
    Climate change makes hell hotter than hell.

    Old Lucifer is steaming!

    The prince of darkness, Satan himself, is angry that Earthlings have not heeded the repeated calls over the years for environmental protections to alleviate climate change on the planet.

    “Hell has a vested interest in what’s happening above us,” the Antichrist told The Lint Screen. “Good gravy, we’re down here in the boiler room. If it’s getting hot up there, imagine what it’s like down here! Criminy!”

    Beelzebub says the lakes of fire in hell have never been hotter. “Sweet gum drops, we used to joke, ‘hot enough for ya?’ but not anymore. It’s too dagblasted hot for everyone! I get exhausted mopping my brow, for pete’s sake. It’s so toasty, I can’t even wear my ABBA tee shirt. I wear a doggone wife beater.”

    Lucifer said the rising temperatures were also taking a toll on his operating costs. “Good gravy, we’ve doubled our pitchfork expenses. We’re lucky if we get three or four good jabs into sinners before the pitchfork tines just melt. It’s put our budgeting in a nasty pickle.”

    The grand tempter/son of perdition, says he “prays” humans do the right thing. “If they don’t, well sweet jimmy, I’m going to have to look into getting a couple of box fans down here. Or a lemonade concession. Something’s got to give, for cry-eye!”

  • Candidates Vie For Crucial Joe The Plumber Vote

    Will the country go as Joe goes?
    Will the country go as Joe goes?

    Now that Sarah Palin has officially announced she’s on Team Trump, The Lint Screen has learned that all presidential candidates are making serious pushes to secure an endorsement from Joe The Plumber.

    “Joe’s support is crucial for the next person to occupy the White House,” said “Bugsy” Woolcott, a top political consultant as he lit a Cuban cigar with a burning $100 bill. “This is not a Republican or Democrat issue, it doesn’t matter who wins, that person is going to need a good plumber. The White House is older than dirt and clogs are common. The next president is going to need a man who knows how to snake a drain more than a strong economic policy adviser or foreign policy maker. As the old adage goes, ‘you can’t fake plumbing’.”

    Joe the Plumber has been coy about showing support for anyone just yet, but candidates from both parties are scheduling sit-downs with the king maker.

    One thing is certain: whoever sits on the throne next is going to need Joe the Plumber in his/her corner, or suffer the consequences.

  • Sean Penn to Interview Jimmy Hoffa

    Sean Penn has a nose for the elusive interview.
    Sean Penn has a nose for the elusive interview.

    Following his successful interview with Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone, Madonna’s ex-squeeze has received an assignment for an exclusive interview with Jimmy Hoffa.

    Hoffa, the ex-President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters (IBT) union disappeared mysteriously in late July of 1975. He has been underground since.

    The Lint Screen talked with Jann Wenner, co-founder and publisher of Rolling Stone magazine. Wenner believes Mr. Penn is just the man for the job. “Sean’s got a nose for the news. It’s a big nose, looks like it’s been busted a couple of times. If anyone can find where Hoffa’s hiding, Sean Penn is the man! And I have every confidence he’ll get all the answers.”

  • Ezichael Bundy Seizes Bedroom From “Tyrant Dad”

    The spirited lad takes action against his unreasonable father.
    The spirited lad takes action against his unreasonable father.

    While Ammon Bundy fights his good fight taking over a federal building in the Oregon boonies, his 6-year old son Ezichael has waged his own battle. Yesterday, the spirited son declared a takeover of his bedroom.

    “Dad is a poo-poo head,” said the young rebel. “He can’t tell me what to do and ground me and make me sit in time out corner. I have rights. It’s my room, not his, and it’s all mine forever and ever, so there! The old man’s a tyrant.”

    With that, the little man threw a Lego at The Lint Screen reporter and demanded he leave, “now, or I’ll get my gun and blow your head off!”

    “Oh,” he then said in a contrite voice, “would you tell mom I need some snacks and a juice box. I’m getting kinda hungry.”