The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • El Chapo Headlining Vegas Act

    El Chapo escapes to the big time–– VIVA LAS VEGAS!
    El Chapo escapes to the big time–– VIVA LAS VEGAS!

    Officials representing Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman have announced the recent prison escapee will be headlining at The Mirage Hotel & Casino on the Las Vegas strip this fall.

    “El Chapo has proven his amazing skills with magic,” his agent Jimmy “Gimme Gimme” Sandropop told The Lint Screen, “and now he wants to come prove his mettle where David Copperfield, Penn & Teller, Criss Angel and other so-called magicians have made tons of money. They are all crap!” the spokesman said spitting to the ground in disgust. He continued his pitch.

    “The Great El Chapo has escaped every cell he has ever been put in. And he does it in style–– helicopters, tunnels with motorcycles, waffle makers, frozen margarita machines and juggling monkeys on unicycles–– whatever he wants, he gets, no strings attached, no tricks involved. He makes Houdini look like a talentless hack. El Chapo is the best magician ever, and he will prove it in the toughest test conditions anywhere–– on the fabulous Las Vegas strip! Of course, there will be a two-drink minimum. We’ll also have other ‘recreations’ available for the more adventurous patrons.”

  • Greece Settles Its Huge Debt With A Giant Horse

    Greece makes good on debt with generous gift.
    Greece makes good on debt with generous gift.

    The EuroZone is rejoicing now that Greece has finally settled its massive debt with the gift of a gigantic horse.

    “We’re not looking this gift in the mouth,” said Hans Schneblown, the German Finance Minister who heads the Euro-Monetary-Health Fund. “We’re just delighted to get any payment at all from Greece. We had taken to calling them ‘the deadbeat nation’ behind their backs. Cruel, I know, but I mean, c’mon already!”

    As for the Greeks, an official representative said, “This horse should shut those European cry-holes. They are such babies, maybe they’ll quit sobbing when their throats are cut in the middle of the night. Oops, said too much,” the spokesman said as he hid beneath the podium.

  • Trump Flashes Kardashian, Cosby Jolts Jared

    Clickety-click-click-click!
    Clickety-click-click-click!

    The Lint Screen discovers the power of clickbait. The world bites!

  • Mr. Ed Becomes Trappist Monk

    The talkative one back in his "hay-day" as a TV superstar.
    The talkative one back in his “hay-day” as a TV superstar.

    The Lint Screen has learned Mr. Ed, the world’s most famous talking horse, has taken a vow of silence and become a Trappist Monk.

    When reached for a comment, the ex-TV star was tight-lipped.

  • Trump Hires Confidence-Boosting Coach

    Shy guy Donald Trumps takes step to increase confidence.
    Shy guy Donald Trumps takes a baby step to increase his confidence.

    Newly-announced presidential candidate Donald Trump has hired legendary self-help guru Tony Robbins, The Lint Screen has learned.

    “The Donald is not a very outgoing person,” said Sam Blyminauer, Trump campaign manager. “He feels he needs a guy like Tony Robbins on his team to teach him some tricks of how to boost his ego and self confidence. Tony is a master of helping shy folks like Donald come out of their shells and inch their way to the limelight.”

    The Trump campaign staff is fearful their candidate may be overshadowed by charismatic superstars like of Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Dr. Ben Carson and the 612 other declared presidential candidates.

    “Donald Trump is going to work closely with Tony to make sure his authentic voice is heard,” said Blyminauer. “Although he has shy tendencies, we think through work and practice he’ll open up, goose his retiring ego a bit and make sure that his opinions gets heard.”

    It will be interesting to see if this bold plan works!

  • Whoops! 10 Korrections!!!

    "Whoopsie daisy!" says Ms. Daisy, copy editor at TLS.
    “Whoopsie daisy!” says Ms. Daisy, copy editor at TLS.

    It’s time for The Lint Screen to air its dirty laundry and soiled linens by copping to some gaffes we’ve made.

    1. The Magna Carta was not a malt liquor as we reported. Apparently, it was some sort of historical thingy.

    2. Lions cannot breed with elephants, so our story warning of impending annihilation for the human race may have been a tad overblown.

    3. Ditto on dragons breeding with unicorns and invading soon.

    4. The New York Yankees did not win the 1958 Preakness.

    5. Germany was not involved with the Civil War.

    6. Henry Kissenger was never a U.S. president, or, a ballet dancer.

    7. Eggs and Egg Beaters are not naturally sworn enemies. They are separate food groups.

    8. The sky is not literally falling (but we still suspect it’s drooping rapidly).

    9. Ken Burns is not related to George Burns or Sidney Poitier.

    10. The quotes of a dude in a bar after a seven-hour bender is not considered “a trusted source,” according to some schools of journalistic thought. Ergo, we may have been a little off center in our report that “The government is trying to confiscate our major and minor appliances, and replace them with exact replicas that will control our thoughts and actions and force us to surrender our stash of firearms.”