The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Iowa Vote Grab

    With the Iowa caucuses only days away, the nonhuman candidates running for president are bowing and scraping for support across “The State Named ‘Iowa’ State.”

    Super computer Watson has proclaimed “Iowans are the smartest people on Earth, so naturally they will vote for me because I am the only candidate who has a program to let each and every citizen get a turn running America!” Watson was referring to his innovative plan to allow every Iowan an opportunity to govern the land from the Oval Office for 32.376614 seconds.”Others talk about democracy, Watson will deliver it to you flesh puppets!”

    Each Iowan wants to rule country for 32.376614 seconds.
    .
    Lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, proclaimed through a spokesman, “Iowa is Nirvana. Iowans are better than the rest of the nation so I believe we should get all the tax money from the other 49 states and cut up the jackpot!”

    And precious puppy, Santy Paws, said in a press release that he would institute “an optional tax plan. Pay whatever you think is fair, and if you don’t like the idea of the government spending your money, keep it. If you think the government should give you some entitlement money, write down the amount and send it my way. You’ll get it. Tax laws need to be chiller, man!”

    The latest poll numbers make the race too close to call.

  • Watson Jumps to Lead in Iowa

    Watson has captivated cornhusker country, but good!
    The newly announced presidential candidate, IBM’s brainiac computer, Watson, has jumped to the lead in the latest Iowa caucus polling.

    Many attribute this to Watson’s smart move of saying he would “give huge corn subsidies to farmers– more money than they can possibly imagine, I’m talking fistfuls of benjamins, baby” and back a program for “100% ethanol– because the country needs more corn fuel and less Arab oil.”

    Later, Watson proclaimed that “Iowa is the best four-lettered state in the nation in which three of the letters are vowels. And I mean that from the bottom of my motherboard.”

    People in Ohio were upset at this statement and registered their complaints. A contrite Watson claimed he would have another statement to make after the Iowa caucus and before the Ohio primaries. He would not comment about what his statement might be.

    This computer may be hard to beat.

  • Watson Enters Race

    The 45th president of the United States of America. Who is Watson?
    Recently it was rumored that a new candidate would enter the 2012 presidential election race, but all the wild speculation about ghosts, brooms and aliens were wrong. The new candidate has announced his plans to seek the Oval Office, and he speaks pretty funny– because he’s not even a human being!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, the new candidate is none other than Watson, the super brainiac computer built by IBM to win game shows.

    The Chester A. Arthur robot

    “Watson’s entering the race is a real game changer,” said noted political analyst, C. Henrick Taddlewhacker. “Watson is a proven competitor. If Brad Rutter or Kyle Jennings were running, the smart money would be on Watson. I don’t see any human or nonhuman candidates who can challenge his enormous intellect. He would be the first computer president since the Chester A. Arthur robot served from 1881-1885. While the Arthuratron 6000 had a serviceable intellect, Watson is far, far superior. However, I must say that the Chester A. Arthur robot was exceptional in the whisker-growing department. Watson’s biggest challenge will be trying to communicate without stating everything he says in the form of questions. That could get irritating, unless he’s talking with Alex Trebek.”

    No other presidential candidate has commented on this latest entry into the race.

  • New Prez Candidate To Announce Soon

    The Lint Screen reporters scramble to get the scoop.
    The universe is a-jitter with news that a surprising new non-human candidate will soon be entering the 2012 presidential race.

    The rumor mill is grinding furiously that the new candidate will not be an adorably cute animal, single celled organism or lizard-like creature. Speculation is it could be a ghost (the ghosts of Abe Lincoln, Conway Twitty and Gene Rayburn have been mentioned), an alien or an inanimate object from the broom family. Heavy speculation is a whisk broom, although smart money favors a fireplace broom–– either could be a serious contender.

    At any rate, other candidates in the race are said to be very afraid of yet another hat in the ring for the highest office in the land, even though it is on the ground floor of the White House.

    The Lint Screen will break this story first. It’s what we do. Depend on it.

  • Pickles Demands Paws End His War on Christmas

    Is Santy Paws waging war on Christmas? Ms. Pickles thinks so!
    The juggernaut presidential campaign for lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, is Planet of The Apes-angry at opposing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws.

    Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said today that Santy Paws was leading the “Satanic evil war on Christmas.”

    “Frankly, we believe all Americans should be outraged by this brazen attack by an atheistic canine,” Mr. Gruthers told reporters. “Heck, we just reaffirmed ‘In God We Trust’ as our nation’s official slogan. If Santy Paws is elected, he may try to change that and we’d all need new folding money!”

    Mr. Gruthers contends that Santy Paws is named after “an obese guy who hung around little kids, which is pretty darn creepy” and “he would break into their homes late at night.” Gruthers believes that “if the miserable mutt loved Christmas, it would have been named ‘Christmas Joy’ or something else to celebrate the birth of our Lord.”

    The campaign manager was visibly distraught. “I don’t know how we can allow this ravenous, God-hating cur to rob of us our most treasured holiday. I hope the voters do the right thing and smack him on the nose come voting day!”

  • Paws Claims Pickles May Be Amish Beard Clipper

    Has Ms. Pickles been clipping Amish beards and gathering the whiskers in a wagon?
    In a press conference today, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for adorable puppy presidential candidate, Santy Paws, said that rival candidate, a lovable monkey named Ms. Pickles, may be responsible for the recent Amish beard clipping incidents in Ohio.

    “Lookit here, people, I ain’t she did do it or she didn’t do it,” said a visibly agitated Merchant, “all’s I’m saying is that the little monkey has yet to deny having done the heinous acts, while my candidate categorically denies any involvement whatsoever in any Amish beard shenanigans! Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent! All’s I’m saying is that there’s a lot we don’t know about this Ms. Pickles character, and I don’t want the voting public to get hoodwinked into buying a pig in the poke.”

    The Pickles campaign said that they were “too busy with barn raisings” to respond to the allegations at this time.