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Obama To Rename More U.S. Landmarks

America, meet the newly-named FaceHenge!

President Barack Obama is on a roll. After announcing his plan to change the name of Alaska’s Mt. McKinley to Mt. Denali, The Lint Screen has learned he has other name changes he’ll soon put in place.

The Washington Monument will soon be renamed Pointy Cement Skyscraper.
The Statue of Liberty will carry the moniker Liberty Insurance’s Logo Lady.
The Jefferson Memorial will be called Mr. Fancy Pants Cabana.
Gettysburg National Military Park will have a new moniker playing off Obama’s favorite Beatles song, Bloody Fields Forever
Mount Rushmore will be known as FaceHenge.
The Lincoln Memorial will be renamed Abe’s Chill-A-Torium.
Golden Gate Bridge will be known as McKinley’s Land Connector (as an appeasement to Ohioans cheesed-off with his Mt. Denali decision).
The Liberty Bell gets a new name that’s an homage to one of the president’s favorite TV shows–– The Big Clang Theory

A White House spokesman said there may be some who are upset at these decisions, “But so what? Who’s going to question the guy who lives in The Snow Palace. By the way, that’s the new name for the White House.”

September 1, 2015
Warren G. Harding Was Ashley Madison Member

When he wasn’t swinging, Harding pitched.

Following the recent news that Warren G. Harding, the 29th President of the United States fathered a love child in 1919 with Nan Britton, The Lint Screen has learned he was also one of the earliest members of the Ashley Madison extramarital affairs website.

The Ashley Madison website was recently hacked and a list of its 32 million members has been leaked. Surprisingly, 99.987% of the members are male. Harding’s name is listed as Member #2, Cornelius K. Thornstickle, a lead pencil magnate, was Member #1.

“It’s a startling revelation about Harding,” said Professor Hargrain Willis, Jr. of The Exorbitant Tuition & Worthless Degree Factory University in Hudson, Ohio. “He was obviously a man with a voracious sexual appetite, and he also liked to pack the groceries down his gullet. Harding was truly our most dashing president, and a contender to the claim of ‘father of our country.’”

Warren G. Harding could not be reached for comment due to a previous death.

August 26, 2015
Amazon Announces “Urchin Prime” Service

Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.

Amazon, the internet everything store, has come under a barrage of bad publicity following a scathing expose of its high pressure working conditions in The New York Times. Today The Lint Screen learned that the company is fighting back–– with a new service that it says “shows compassion and concern for our best customers, while instilling our youth with a good work ethic.”

It’s called Amazon Urchin Prime. Those who enroll for $249/annually will receive a personal street urchin to fetch Amazon orders the moment they are made, and deliver them “toot sweet, or faster.”

“Urchin Prime shows a new level of responsive, attentive service,” said Todd Lorrhence, Amazon’s Sr. V.P. Corporate Toadying. “It gives Amazon a human face and scurrying feet to fetch whatever our customers desire. And for our urchins, it offers a free on the job training program in industriousness, personalized service skills development and customer commitment. We see this as a win-win-win situation.”

Jeff Bezos, check and mate. Take that, New York Times! Who’s evil now?

August 19, 2015
College Student Demands Protection From World

He’s armed with lawyers!

C. Daniel Wisterdom will be entering Middlebury College next week, and is already threatening lawsuits against this respected Vermont liberal arts mecca, The Lint Screen has learned from hanging out in the quad.

“I am very concerned Middlebury may book a so-called edgy comedian,” said the rising freshman majoring in Humanity Theoretical Studies, “and I will not stand to have someone brandish microaggressions against minorities, or belittle social norms, gender identification or airline cuisine.”

University officials have assured Mr. Wisterdom they have no intention of booking a controversial funny person. “It would be unconscionable for us to expose our student body to different ways of thinking that extract humor from the pain of others,” said Robert Posey, Director of Chill. “To that end, we have banned TV channels on our cable system that we believe might incite panic and anxiety among our student body, who we believe are this nation’s most valuable assets.”

Mr. Wisterdom is not confident and will be watching carefully. “If I come across the broadcasting of a cartoon where a coyote threatens the very existence of a road runner, or a sailor partakes of tobacco and the nutritional benefits of spinach to bully another, I will slap Middlebury with a lawsuit that will knock them into the nineteenth century! I have my father’s law firm on speed dial.”

With that, Mr. Wisterdom resumed curling into the fetal position and sucking his thumb.

August 13, 2015
Minnesota Dentist Kills Leopard At Zoo

Former home of Lenny and site of his demise.

Dr. Walter Palmer is a very angry man. Following last week’s news that he had killed beloved Zimbabwean lion Cecil, the Minnesota dentist was struck by an onslaught of negative publicity and threats. But those didn’t stop this brave Novocain shooter–– he’s struck again!

This time, the deadeye tooth-driller slew a caged Amur Leopard named Lenny at the Minnesota Zoo.

“I got tired of all the bleeding hearts bellyaching about Cecil,” Palmer told The Lint Screen. “It was a good kill. I paid 50-K to bag that bad boy. But I felt like I had to prove my mettle over another very dangerous creature. Amur Leopards have huge sharp teeth. Let me tell you, those chompers will make mincemeat of human flesh–– so I took the beast down!”

Patrons and zoo officials are saddened by Lenny’s demise. “He was very popular,” said William Pullerburd, a zoo spokesman. “The Amur Leopard species is near extinction, with only 50 or so living in the wild. It’s a tragic waste of a natural treasure and a senseless crime against nature.”

Palmer stands by his kill. “I keep hearing about all these creatures that could go extinct. I don’t buy it. What–– are these big cats wearing condoms? Give me a break. There’s plenty to go around, and their mounted heads make great conversation pieces adorning the wall of my den.”

The dentist shot Lenny with 16 arrows and six shots from a Glock in his hour and a half hunt of the caged beauty. “Tell you one thing,” Palmer said, “he was a fighter. But he ain’t the champion,” the dentist said as he flashed his winning Crest toothpaste smile.

August 4, 2015
An Original Idea In Hollywood?

Big news spreads like wildfire on fire.

Tinsel Town is quiet tonight. Sealed like a vacuum-tight can of cashews. No one’s saying nothing, but the rumors wash this glittery city like waves beating the shore.

In and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out–– you get the drift.

What has Hollywood quaking? The Lint Screen has heard unconfirmed rumors that one of the major studios is harboring an original idea that could be green-lighted for production soon!

“Word is it’s something totally fresh,” said Mumbles McElroy, a trusted Hollywood insider. “And I hear tell it ain’t got nothing to do with comic books, best selling novels, tent pole franchises, sequels or reboots. Hollywood ain’t made a film like that in decades,” Mumbles said lighting a cigar and taking a long nip from his flask. “One skuttlebutt says it’s about an underdog boxer who beats incredible odds and becomes the world champion! So help me, Jimmy, an underdog finally getting his day in the sun! I’d buy a row of tickets and a barrel of popcorn for that kind of fresh idea, yes sir,” the grizzled vet said as he spat on the ground and did a two-step.

July 28, 2015