Scum admit hoax.Now that Richard and Mayumi Heene have admitted that last week’s ‘Balloon Boy’ episode was a hoax, authorities are determined to make them pay. Not with a fine or legal proceedings, but with a dangerous act for the couple’s 6-year old son named Falcon who was allegedly in the balloon that received incredible national attention.
“These parents are scum exploiting their own son for publicity purposes,” said Sheriff Paul Orming, “now the entire family is going to have to pay. We’re going to send that little chicken to outer space!”6-year old to be shot into space, fame will followOrming is proposing sending the young boy who was allegedly in the balloon into outer space inside a vintage space capsule. “The parents said their kid was in the balloon and the nation watched in record numbers as the drama unfolded. Later we found out the little coward wasn’t in the balloon at all– he was hiding! That won’t stand! People like drama and we’re going to give it to them!”
Since viewership was so high for the ‘Balloon Boy’ episode, Orming believes sending the innocent 6-year old into space will garner even more media attention.
“This family wants to be famous, well, by gum we’ll make them freaking famous. We’re going to make Falcon a hero, if he makes it back alive, then they can get their own reality show like they wanted, co-starring Wolf Blitzer, Diane Sawyer or Larry King.”
The little boy could not be found for comment. Many suspect he’s hiding.
This world is a funny place. It comes with serendipity as standard equipment. Take yesterday.
I find a posting that leads me to an old Apple commercial that happens to tickle me and so I write a blurb about it and post it (see below). Less than a half hour later, I check my Facebook account and a pal has listed a quote from Jack Kerouac and it sounds awfully familiar. Lo and behold, it is the skeletal structure for the Apple spot that I had just posted, yet said spot gave no credit to the original author. Tsk, tsk, finger wag to the plagiarizing cretins who would steal from the Beat Master.
So, for the benefit of Mr. K., here is his quote. Read it, click on the Apple spot and have a simultaneous sense of familiarity and deja vu, goo goo g’joob (I’m channeling Lennon): “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
The war is won. Done and doner! Cue the ticker-tape parade.
After a bombing run late last week, the Man in The Moon has officially surrendered to its overlord, Planet Earth.We own this sucker. In your face, moonie, you’re ours!“Look, man,” said a contrite Moon, “I don’t know what I did to get you guys so hacked off, but I catch the drift– ‘uncle,’ I give up. You guys are boss.”
The Moon was surprised and shocked to discover that the United States of America’s NASA orchestrated the bombing mission.
“The same morning I get bombed, I hear that President Obama wins The Nobel Peace Prize. WTF?! Where’s the justice in your world anyway? He bombs me and gets a Peace Prize? I don’t get you people at all, man.”
Now that we own The Moon, who’s up for colonizing? C’mon, people!
You can run but you can’t hide! Bombs away!!!At long last, we have bombed The Moon!
For years I have been proposing a full assault on The Moon. Every night it sits there smugly in the sky, taunting us with its pristine lunar arrogance and orbital confidence. This morning we finally did the deed.
We’ve allegedly stepped on it, littered it, planted flags on it, lost golf balls on it, even had cows jump over it–– now we’ve shown that stupid satellite (it’s not even a planet!) who’s boss.Take that, you rascal, you! I had proposed we let Slim Pickens ride the bomb down, but NASA nixed the idea because apparently he’s dead, which I don’t believe because I saw “Dr. Strangelove” recently and he looked fine.
Whatever. The job was done and we’ve bombed that baby but good. Maybe now we won’t be seeing so many werewolves and vampires.
Keep them nukes on watch and pointed up, though– The Moon may attack back. That lousy sneaky orb.
Ringo Starr has been ‘Best-ed’ out of The Beatles.
Ringo (real name “Rin Go Starkey”) replaced Pete Best as drummer of The Beatles in 1962, and for the next eight years was the backbeat of the most famous rock band in history.
On September 9, the popular video game Rock Band introduced a version for songs of The Beatles. It was an instant bestseller.Ringo gets das boot by Jerry Mungerton. Rim shot, please. On October 6, a 17-year old Atlantan named Jerry Mungerton scored a perfect 100% score drumming on six straight songs, and the avatars of John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison were so impressed, they fired the avatar of Ringo Starr and replaced him with young Mr. Mungerton.
“It was awesome,” said an ecstatic Mungerton, “I mean I miss my human mom, dad, sis and girlfriend a lot– but being in The Beatles is worth it. Yeah, I love those flesh people and everything, but I mean come on, we’re talking The Beatles here!”
A dispondent Ringo avatar guzzled his third 40 of Olde English 800 and was somberly reflective. “It was a good run while it lasted,” he said, “I’ll miss me mates, but I guess I’m no Jerry Mungerton so it’s understandable they’ve moved on without me.”
With that, the ex-drummer guzzled his high octane 40 and hurled the empty bottle against a brick wall, and broke down sobbing. “Me life’s a bloody shambles,” he cried.
Meanwhile, somewhere a wolf howled, a tumbleweed tumbled and a kitten yawned.
