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The Nigerian Connection (Pt 5)

   The Lint Screen has just learned breaking news in the Madoff Fonzie Scheme.

   Bernie Madoff received a confidential e-mail this afternoon from the attorney representing the deposed NIgerian Prince in possession of a magical Greek fishing cap that makes its owner “as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli”— the same cap Madoff paid $50 billion for over a month ago.

   The e-mail is printed in its entirety, exactly as received:

   “Deer Mistre Maodff Sir,

   Happy recive your money lately. Many doler bills to count, but I do and it do make fidfty bilon dolerz. Very good yes!!!

   As promis, am soon to send the Prince hat to you for to ware and be lik Fonzee– aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy that cool yes is vary cool!

   Prince wunders if he might reqest a bit mor muny for postag to send hat. Mail is vary expensiv. Maybey only anuther milon or tu dolerz for stamp.

   Is good? Hope see muny frum you soon so you ware hat soon tu!!!

   Sincerly,

   Amir “Skip” Mahdi, Atturny

———————————————————————————

   Madoff is reportedly franticly searching his apartment for spare change and has called Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick to arrange a meeting on a hot investment idea he has.

January 23, 2009
Oval Office Hit By Madoff Fonzie Scheme (pt. 4)

   In a startling development, it appears ex-president George W. Bush may have his sights set on wearing the Greek fishing cap de coolness from the mysterious deposed Nigerian prince.

   Unnamed White House sources have leaked the contents of the letter Bush left for President Barack Obama in the Oval Office. They are disclosed here in a Lint Screen exclusive:

Letter reveals Ex-Prez making play for Greek fishing cap.

   “Dear Barack,

Enjoy your stay in Washington. I’ll be in Texas, spreading my Fonzie cool in my Greek fishing cap. It’s supposed to be coming my way real soon, baby. Aaayyyyy! Oh, by the way, next time you go shopping get some milk. The carton in the fridge has turned bad. Bye, W.”

   Bernie Madoff refused commenting on the story except to say he was seeking some new investors for a “can’t lose investment opportunity… all it takes is $50 billion.”

January 21, 2009
Madoff’s Fonzie Scheme Falters (Pt. 3)

   $50 billion later, Mr. Bernard Madoff’s about as cool as a penguin on fire.

Ball cap? You call that cool? We call that pitifully pathetic!

   The poor huckster is hiding the shame he must feel after being taken for $50 billion by a lawyer claiming to represent a deposed Nigerian prince who owns a Greek fishing cap with magical powers to make its owner as cool as Fonzie. Madoff paid the piper but has heard no music just yet.

   Now Madoff appears in public wearing a baseball cap, decidedly uncool headwear. Meanwhile, one imagines the legendary Greek fishing cap somewhere perched atop the skull on one cool hombre. One must get back to work, however, lest one lose hours imagining oneself as said cool hombre wearing the magical Greek fishing cap.

   “Why me?” said an anguished Madoff as he removed his stupid ballcap and rubbed his hair, “I don’t deserve this kind of pain and suffering.” He suddenly stopped, looked to his shoulders and cried, “No, not dandruff, too! Why does God hate me so?”

January 21, 2009
Madoff’s Fonzie Scheme Grows (Pt. 2)

   Suspected con artist and lowlife scumbag, Bernie Madoff, is feeling victimized, and he’s none too happy.

Can this cap really make one as cool as Don Knotts?

   Madoff acknowledged he recently paid $50 billion to an attorney representing a deposed Nigerian Prince in return for the Prince’s Greek fishing cap that the lawyer alleged “makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.” The magic cap has yet to appear.

   Madoff kept the transaction a secret for over a month, but finally admitted it to this reporter after persistent questioning, a brisk noogie on the noggin and rabbit punches to the kidneys. The Lint Screen broke the story worldwide on January 14th, since then, Madoff has been inundated with offers of other Greek fishing caps with alleged “magical powers.”

Taunting Madoff has become a sport

   One man is offering to sell his prized Greek fishing cap “that not only makes you cool as Fonzie, it makes you cool as Steve McQueen in ‘The Great Escape’ or Don Knotts in ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’.”

   Another claims “Fonzie coolness with a hefty jigger of Brando swagger and Jagger jigger.”

   One purports to have “Arctic Fonzie coolness powers and mega-respect-garnering capabilities, a la Mr. C. in ‘Happy Days’ or Aunt Bea in ‘The Andy Griffith Show’.”

Is it cool? Is it a fool?

   “I feel like these people are trying to take advantage of me,” said a visibly distraught Madoff. “I spent $50 billion for a Greek fishing cap from Nigeria that never shows up, and it’s like blood’s in the water with these sharks circling me. What did I do to deserve this kind of shoddy treatment? Geez louise, I’m mister happy-go-lucky-go-with-the-flow-lend-a-helping-hand-to-my-fellow-man-que-sera-sera-whatever-will-be-will-be, and this is the thanks I get?! It’s not fair, I tells ya, not fair at all!” With that, Madoff spits on the ground and stomps a foot.

   If only Madoff had his magic Greek fishing cap, maybe then he could keep his cool. But it appears there is no forecast for coolness in Madoff’s future.

   Poor man.



January 18, 2009
Madoff In Fonzie Scheme

   Bernie Madoff, the notorious Wall Street huckster under federal investigation for scamming $50 billion from investors, may have been delivered his karmic comeuppance.

   Madoff claims to have recently received an e-mail from an attorney representing a Nigerian Prince. The attorney stated that the deposed Prince was in exile and in desperate need of cash to buy back the throne that was his birthright.

Madoff just wanted Potsie's respect, and was willing to pay for it!

   The attorney stated the Prince was willing to sell something he owned that was much more valuable than “mere money” in order to raise the required capital–– “it’s a magic Greek fishing cap that makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.”

   The mysterious attorney claimed all the Prince wanted for the magic Fonze Greek fishing cap was $50 billion. No taxes, no hidden fees, no surcharges.

   Madoff said he lept at the chance to secure the valuable item. “I’m a big Fonzie fan and always wanted to be just like him. I mean, come on, to have Ritchie, Potsie, Ralph, Mrs. C., Chachi and the whole crew look up to you–- aaayyy, get outta ‘ere, who wouldn’t want that, ehhhh?!”

   So, Madoff did as instructed and wired the attorney representing the Nigerian Prince $50 billion. “It was pretty much all the money I had, except for a couple million bucks walking around money that I keep in trouser and jacket pockets. But it’s been four weeks and I still haven’t received the magic Fonzie Greek fishing cap,” said a crushed Madoff. “I hope this Nigerian Prince’s lawyer is on the level. I’d hate to think I was taken advantage of. Hey, Nigerian Prince’s lawyer, if you’re reading this, come on, give up the Greek fishing cap, aaayyyyy!”

   With that, Madoff awkwardly thrust a thumb into the air and poked himself in the left eye. “Owwww,” he said, “that hurts. Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

January 14, 2009
Happy (Guess What?) Day

   Every day is some sort of holiday. If it isn’t a real holiday, it’s a Hallmark-created holiday or some association-created obscure holiday.

This game won't do much for your self esteem

To celebrate all the obscure holidays out there, the scientists at Ames Scullin O’Haire Holiday Research Laboratories have created one of the most challenging and difficult games ever placed on the worldwide interwebs. Simply go to the website listed below and prepare to get humiliated and shamed.

   If you get three answers in a row right, you’re pretty good. Six in a row is pretty incredible. Ten correct answers in a row is epic and you deserve rose petals tossed at your feet and angels flying in circles around your noggin.

   But more than likely, your performance will be crap and you’ll take up residency in Suckville. The game is tough. Are you tough enough to play? You’ve got 365 chances for dominance. Or not. We’re thinking not.

   Go here for your shaming: http://www.whatstheholiday.com

   After your pain, challenge your friends to play. Bringing others down does have its therapeutic benefits. Good luck, this is your lucky day–– whatever day it is.

January 9, 2009