Last night, at his pep rally in Phoenix, President Trump told supporters, “Don’t believe the fake media. Everything they say is a lie. Everything! I know. It’s all fake, especially The Lint Screen.”
Trump’s complexion changed from orange to red as he continued.
“The Lint Screen has been very unfair to me. Very unfair. Too many people rely on it for their news, well you know what–– they’re dumb. It’s fake. Totally fake news! Believe me!” The crowd erupted in cheers.
“I know some people still think The Lint Screen has quality journalism. That it’s unbiased. Well, they’re wrong! Dead wrong. It’s junk. Trash. If it was printed on paper instead of being online, you wouldn’t even wrap your garbage with it! It’s bad–– very, very bad! Horrible.”
The audience cheered and began a wave as beach balls with swastikas were hit into the air and passed throughout the crowd.
“And that is why The Lint Screen is failing. Failing miserably. Completely tanking. The Lint Screen? Give me a break–– I call it The Loser Screen!”
The crowd stood, applauded wildly and gave high fives as Trump moonwalked across the stage and attempted a split. Secret service agents quickly picked him up and brought him back to the microphone where he continued his pep talk for the next six hours.
McMaster has plans for a pre-emptive nuclear strike on “a clear and present danger to the United States.”“
National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster has proposed a nuclear strike target to President Trump, a White House insider told The Lint Screen today.
The anonymous source said the target is the corporate offices of Breitbart News Network in Los Angeles.
“The General believes this organization is a clear and present danger to the United States,” the source said in hushed tones betraying Starbucks Italian Roast. “And although the Breitbart offices are in a major metro area, McMaster feels strongly that any collateral damage will be well worth the benefit received to the nation at large. McMaster said he is trying to avoid a costly war with a first strike.”
The secretive source leaned in and whispered, “The General is adamant the target be destroyed with extreme prejudice, which is pretty ironic if you think about it.”
Coincidentally, recently fired chief strategist Steve Bannon has returned to the helm of Breitbart.
“What a weird co-inky-dink,” said the insider.
There is no report if Trump is taking the General’s military advice.
The new Chief of Staff listens attentively as the skipper speaks about Charlottesville.
Using a new innovative technology, The Lint Screen has developed a device with the ability to read the minds of mortals.
We hacked the skull of General Kelly, the newly-appointed White House Chief of Staff, as he listened to President Trump’s comments on Charlottesville Tuesday. Here is a brief sampling of his thoughts:
“No… no… don’t say that… no… NO!!!…
Good God, what are you doing???
Please, please, please, for once in your life, shut your pie hole!!!
Do you have any idea what you’re talking about???
Stop, please, stop now, I beg of you…
I blame myself, what kind of an idiot knowingly steps on a land mine? Hell, does a tap dance on a land mine! What was I thinking accepting this position?
Breathe, John. Breathe! Relax. He has to shut up soon…
No. Nope. No such luck. The man is incapable of silence. Unbelievable.
War–– I need a war to fight to take my mind off this insanity.
A good war would be so nice. War is predictable, rational. War makes sense. I wish I was in a nice war instead of here…
WHAT????!!!
No, no, no, what the hell are you doing???!!!!!!” Stop!
The Lint Screen has an exclusive so hot, you may need solar eclipse glasses and oven mitts to read it.
When it was reported last week that glorious leader Donald Trump receives two folders each day chock-full of good news about the great job he’s doing, our journalistic sleuths went to work.
Below are excerpts of the praise for our tremendous commander-in-chief contained within one of these special folders:
THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THAT MORNING’S ‘FOX & FRIENDS” SHOW, ALONG WITH A PICTURE OF HOSTS STEVE DOOCY, BRIAN KILMEADE, AND AINSLEY EARHARDT GIVING THEIR THUMBS UP, SIGNED WITH THE SALUTATION, “KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK, MR. PRESIDENT! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE PROUD TO LIVE IN YOUR COUNTRY!!!”
A LETTER FROM 9-YEAR OLD MATTHEW BUCKSIN OF GASDEN, ALABAMA (WRITTEN IN PENCIL, REPRINTED EXACTLY)–– Dere Prezidant Trump,
I think you are the best prezidant ever!!! Better than Linkon, Washingtun and evryune els.
You are my hero and I am prowd and wuld lik to mete you sum day.
Mak Amerika grat agin!
Sincerlee,
Matt Buckskin
Honore Studant
A SELECTION OF TWEETS:
@deathtoimmigrants
Anyone who doesn’t think Trump will Make America Great Again should be deported–– support our AMAZING PRESIDENT, OR GET THE HELL OUT!!!
@ericthebestson
I sincerely believe Donald J. Trump is the best leader America has ever had and I love him very much. He’s also the greatest businessman and dad ever! I would love to have dinner with him sometime soon. Pleeeeeeeease!!!
@libtardhater
Hey snowflakes… you lost!!! Hillary should be in jail! DJT is in charge, doing an incredible job getting so much done and MAGA!!!
@killthemall
If you talk against Trump, you are unAmerican and should be shot. Free speech! Trump was a TV star, now he’s the star of the world. If he can’t Make America Great Again, nobody can. SUPPORT TRUMP!!!
@whiteasrain
The Donald is going to build that wall and Mexico will pay for it! Bank on it! Trump is a man of his word and if you don’t believe him your (sic) an idiot!!!
@sexyivanka
Donald J. Trump is such a handsome, charismatic, dynamic, energetic, intelligent, and powerful man, America is lucky to have him. Any woman would die to have such an incredible man. MAGA, you babe-magnet you!!!
A PHOTOGRAPH OF A LION KILLING A GAZELLE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I’m a kitten compared to you. President Trump, you are truly the king of the jungle! —-Leo The Lion”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF KIM JONG-UN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I am very afraid of you because you are such a strong leader. Please do not bomb me! –- Kim Jong-Un, The Leader of North Korea”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF A COAL MINER WITH A DIRTY FACE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “Thanks for bringing back more clean coal jobs. You are a man of your word, ALWAYS, and clean coal is the answer to all America’s problems! —-Carl The Coal Miner”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF WARREN BUFFET WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I am angry because I am not as smart and rich as you. You make me very, very jealous! Keep up the fantastic work, Mr. President! –– Warren B., Your #1 Fan”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF SUPERMAN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I wish I was Donald J. Trump. He is the REAL SUPERMAN!”
The rest of the folder included transcripts along with screen captures from the rest of the Fox News schedule of the previous 12-hours.
On Sunday, the failing New York Times reported that Vice President Mike Pence was preparing for a presidential run in 2020, and President Trump was furious at the news report.
“The skipper was mad as a wet rooster in an Ace Hardware,” a White House leaker told The Lint Screen. “Although El Hefe always says ‘fake news,’ the boss man can’t stand the idea of any insubordination. And Pence is such a weasely worm kiss-ass, well, it just might be true.”
And so, the president reportedly has given his number two an opportunity to prove his loyalty.
“The big guy called Pence and told him he needed a show of faith and commitment. He demanded that the veep cut off the pinkie of his right hand, and his wife’s left hand and FedEx both to him,” the anonymous leaking faucet said, as he played with the cuffs of his fancy monogrammed shirt (“JRB” for curious readers).
“The top dog ain’t about to let any mongrel pup get any ideas,” the big mouth said while jiggling with the keys to his Audi 6 (black with tan interior–– the license plate has “451” as three of its digits, but we’ll say no more).
So far, no bloody FedEx deliveries have arrived at Trump’s vacation hotel.
Meanwhile, Jeff Sessions is frantically working to plug leaks in the White House.
Sen. Chuck Schumer announces the Democratic Party’s dynamic new campaign.
Yesterday, the beleaguered Democratic Party unveiled a new rallying cry, and The Lint Screen met with members of Hiley, Musgrove & Binburner, the famed Washington D.C. political marketing group, to discuss the making of the new branding campaign.
“We did extensive focus group testing,” said creative director Chip Musgrove, “and the winning slogan was A better deal. People liked the idea of a better deal for them.”
“It was very scientific,” added senior strategist Tom Hiley. “We asked a wide spectrum of citizens if they would prefer things like a better job, better wages, and a better future. Amazingly, almost a hundred percent of people said they would.”
“Not to be dismissive,” Musgrove said, smiling, “but people who didn’t want those things were obviously brain dead or total idiots. The interesting thing was A better deal tested even better than another proposed line, The absolute best, most tremendous deal ever. Incredible deal. A fabulous deal, believe me! People said that particular line sounded too much like a Republican promise.”
“Those guys are good,” commented Hiley, as he exhaled on his vape (chocolate-peppermint flavored smoke–– delish!).
“We tested hundreds of lines,” said Mark Binburner, senior research director. “Some of those included, We’re not him, Bleed your heart, We’re anything but deplorable, Clintons & Co., Your safe space, We’re gonna make it after all, Where political gets corrected, This donkey can kick, Support Chelsea–– it’s her turn, Bringing sanity to the Thanksgiving table, We embrace collars of every color, Tired of losing & ready to win, Something for everyone, and, Decent people, lousy politicians–– let’s change that, okay?
“We think A better deal will be an incredibly successful rallying cry going forward,” Hiley said. “We don’t know how it can miss–– I mean, it was tested in focus groups.”
“Plus,” added Musgrove, “the new Democratic Party chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, loves it. She thinks it’s perfect, a fresh way of saying we’re all new and improved!”
“Yes, it’s a bold, confident day moving forward,” said Binburner with a broad smile, and two thumbs up.
