The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Kim Jong-un

  • Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit

    Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit

    The prez gets special help to strengthen his superior noodle

    While Donald Trump may have “a very good brain” but he still needs a little assistance getting ready for his upcoming North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un on June 12.

    The Lint Screen has obtained a copy of the confidential “cheat sheet” for the president as he prepares for tough negotiations with the North Korean leader.

    TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

    (WH STAFF–– DO NOT LEAK, LEAKERS WILL BLEED!)

    • DO NOT call Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man”
    • Yes, “Little Rocket Man” is a brilliant nickname
    • Kim Jong Un is Asian, do not be alarmed
    • North Korea is different from South Korea–– like North Dakota, and South Dakota are different places
    • South Korea GOOD, North Korea BAD!
    • There is NO East Korea or West Korea
    • No, we do not know why that is. It just is.
    • Do not believe Kim Jong Un if he says he is a big fan of THE APPRENTICE
    • N. Korea is a communist state, communists are supposed to be our enemies
    • N. Korea has nuclear bombs; we do NOT want them to have nuclear bombs
    • Nuclear bombs are bad in enemy hands–– they go BOOM!
    • DO NOT offer to give Kim Jong Un our nuclear bombs
    • DO NOT negotiate for shiny buttons or magic beans
    • DO NOT negotiate for Diet Cokes or juicy burgers
    • Do NOT negotiate to put a Trump property in N. Korea (maybe next trip)
    • YOUR GOAL is to get agreement for complete “denuclearization” by N. Korea–– we’ll explain what “denuclearization” means later
    • Yes, “denuclearization” is a funny word
    • Do NOT mention “Libya” or “Libyan solution”… PLEASE!
    • NO Tweeting at the negotiating table
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s hairstyle
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s height
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s poor English
    • Do NOT have prostitutes urinate on the bed. There could be cameras.
    • Try not to brag about the size of your inauguration crowd
    • You are the BEST negotiator ever, you have made many great deals, the best deals, tremendous deals!!!
    • ACT PRESIDENTIAL! YOU ARE VERY PRESIDENTIAL

  • Kim Jong-un Enters Race For U.S. Presidency

    'lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!
    ‘lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!

    The Lint Screen has learned that the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un, has decided to enter the United States Presidential race.

    “The Glorious One will annihilate the other candidates,” said Dennis Rodman, official spokesperson for the North Korean leader. “The man is a god; he once shot sixteen playing eighteen holes at Augusta National. He hit a baseball 6,988 miles. He scored over 30,800 points playing against the Harlem Globetrotters. He would win the Kentucky Derby with a horse on his back. The Amazing One cannot and will not be defeated in any contest!”

    Asked if Kim Jong-un would be running as a Democrat, Republican or Independent, Mr. Rodman raised his eyebrows and said, “He’ll run as the next President, and once in office, he’ll attack America if it does not do his will. Dude plays for keeps.”

    No bumper stickers or yard signs are available yet.

  • Kim Jong Un Suing Supercuts

    N. Korean leader upset with latest cut, takes action
    N. Korean leader upset with latest cut, takes action

    He has a reputation for being a bit of a hothead, and now North Korean Superstar Incredible Best Ever Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un is suing Supercuts, the American hairstyling company.

    Officials close to the charismatic dynamo told The Lint Screen that Kim Jong Un has hired a Supercuts stylist to fashion his hair for years, but the immortal god of the people was “terribly upset” with his latest cut.

    “Our benevolent superior will teach these capitalistic pigs they cannot destroy him with scissors,” said a spokesman. “He feels his latest haircut makes him look childish, weak and impotent. He will not stand for this affront! If satisfaction cannot be achieved in courts, he will resort to nuclear justice. He cannot wait for his hair to grow to cover the egregious mistakes of a hostile stylist!”

  • Kim Jong Un Explains His Whereabouts

    World's most popular excellent incredible amazing leader returns to adoring masses
    World’s most popular excellent incredible amazing leader returns to adoring and loving masses

    Ebola, ISIL, Ukraine, immigrants, midterm elections–– just when you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, comes amazing revelations from North Korea as its beloved leader Kim Jong Un returns to the public eye after disappearing since September 3.

    “I was on a a bit of a walkabout,” said the charismatic god-like head of state. “All the reports of my cheese addiction and gout bouts are wrong and those who spread such lies will be caught, tortured and slaughtered like the pigs they are. I will stretch their skins over furniture and sell it at Ikea!”

    The incredible man began eating the large wheel of cheddar cheese that he sat upon and continued speaking through orange chews. “I have been doing important things, like curing cancer, ebola and becoming the first man to run a two-minute mile and shoot a record sixteen for an 18-hole round of golf. It was on Augusta National. I have the scorecard to prove it. I also bowled a 480 game, my beer frame was remarkable, and I hit a baseball so hard that it landed on the moon. Anyone who doubts these amazing feats will have his throat sliced. The population of the world can now once again sleep at night–– its greatest leader and human speciman is back!”

    Hoo-ray!!!

  • Kim Jong Un Demands Supercuts

    The Glorious Leader is tired of his "bowl haircuts"
    The Glorious Leader is tired of his “bowl haircuts“

    Ever since he’s taken over the leadership of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has had a bug up his ass about something. He has been cranky and irritable, threatening nuclear destruction, war and total annihilation of the United States and South Korea. Now we know why.

    It’s his hair.

    The Lint Screen had an exclusive interview with Kim Jong Un, the man who millions call “The Greatest Human Who’s Ever Lived And A Even A Little Better Than God” (they say this freely, or they’re imprisoned or killed).

    “I demand the U.S. open some Supercuts in North Korea,” said the agitated dictator. “I am sick and tired of these stupid rice bowl haircuts I’ve been getting ever since I was a kid. They make me look dorky. I’m a cool rock star, baby. I want a shag cut or something more modern. I also want a Dippin’ Dots, a Montgomery Ward’s, a Zenith television set and a vibrating massage chair from Brookstone– I need to unwind after a day of leading my people. Bring me my demands, Obama, or you and your country will suffer my wrath!”

    Your move, Mr. President.

  • Kim Jong Un Threatens Attack of Killer Dragon

    Kim Jong Un reveals secret weapon, threatens USA.
    Kim Jong Un reveals secret weapon, threatens USA.

    North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is so upset with the United States of America, he is threatening an attack of “the biggest, nastiest most lethal and deadly flying dragon ever, breathing killer fires of death and destruction to murder terrible, evil imperialists! We will win this game of thrones game with our superior dragon weaponry!”

    Un, or “The Greatest Person Ever To Walk The Earth” to his friends, says that he must take a stand against the U.S. because “I’ve got to prove myself even more batshit crazy than my old man was, and believe me, I’ve got a ways to go yet.”

    The North Korean dictator has dropped rumors that he may also have other weapons at his disposal including “an 800-foot cat who is hungry and has very sharp claws, a giant octopus that will throw children having temper tantrums and a mermaid that brews very weak tea and then detonates nuclear bombs that kill and destroy all living things. The weak tea disappoints, but the nuclear weapons hurt even more.”

    There has been no official U.S. response to Un.

    Un selects children for octopus launching
    Un selects children for octopus launching