The Lint Screen is proud to present the only official transcript of the recent congratulatory call from U.S. President Donald J. Trump to Russia President Vladimir Putin.
This exclusive scoop is presented thanks to a weasely leaker in the West Wing. Thanks, JK, tell Ivy we said, ‘hi!’
(PHONE RINGING)
VP: Здравствуйте
DT: Hello–– Mr. President?
VP: Donald, is that you?
DT: Yes, Mr. President, it’s me.
VP: It is so very good to hear from you––
DT: Mr. President, I want to congratulate you on your victory.
VP: Thank you, Donald.
DT: I read you got, what, 77% of the vote?
VP: Yes. 77, more or less.
DT: I had 94% of the vote, you know–– if they didn’t count the illegals.
VP: Please, Donald, not again…
DT: Crooked Hillary had all her illegals voting for her.
VP: I know, you told me…
DT: So many illegals, snuck in from Mexico. Very bad people. Not fair.
VP: I know, Donald. Crooked Hillary should be locked-up––
DT: “Lock her up, lock her up!” I invented that. Very popular…
VP: Very popular, Donald.
DT: But I showed her. I got the most Electoral College votes ever––
VP: Impressive, Donald.
DT: Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisonsin–– just about all the states. 51, 52.
VP: That’s nice, Donald. You must be proud.
DT: And my Inauguration crowd, it was the biggest in history.
VP: I heard, Donald.
DT: Epic event. Incredible crowd. People as far as I could see.
VP: Right, Donald. Big crowd.
DT: Much larger than Obama’s Inauguration. A hundred times bigger.
VP: Yes, Donald. Obama’s crowd was small.
DT: And everyone is talking about what a great job I’m doing.
VP: Yes, the world is talking about you––
DT: A tremendous job, they all say that.
VP: Tremendous job, Donald.
DT: Naturally, everyone wants to work for me––
VP: So many open positions. I hear people are leaving all the time.
DT: I tell them, “You’re fired!”
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: That’s my catchphrase–– “You’re fired!”
VP: Fired. I’ve heard.
DT: Everyone watched me on The Apprentice.
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: I had incredible ratings. Biggest ratings ever. I made NBC.
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: My ratings were bigger than The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
VP: Impressive, Donald. Beatles were very popular.
DT: I’m very popular, too, Mr. President.
VP: Yes, Donald, very popular.
DT: But the fake news still attacks me. Liars, in Crooked Hillary camp.
VP: You deserve better, Donald…
DT: Mueller’s working for Crooked Hillary, too. His team’s all liberals.
VP: Is unfair, Donald.
DT: But, no collusion, right, Mr. President?
VP: Yes. No collusion, Donald. Absolutely not.
DT: You would know, right?
VP: Yes, Donald, I would know.
DT: Then, I’ll just fire Mueller and––
VP: Did Don, Junior tell you good news, Donald?
DT: Who?
VP: Don, Junior–– your son. Don, Junior.
DT: Oh, yeah. Him. Right.
VP: You are good to begin breaking ground for Trump Towers Moscow.
DT: That’s great, Mr. President!
VP: Yes, but please, Donald, do not tell anyone. Keep secret.
DT: No? Why not?
VP: We do not wish to appear to be collusion.
DT: Oh, right. No collusion.
VP: Good, Donald. I must go now, I have important meeting. Am late.
DT: Thanks for calling Mr. President.
VP: Um, yes, Donald. Keep up the great work!
DT: I will. Everyone says I’m doing an incredibly tremendous job––
VP: Yes, Donald, I heard. Must go now…
DT: That’s why everyone wants to work for me and––
(CLICK)
(DIAL TONE)
DT: Hello? Mr. President? (SHOUTING) Becky, I think we got cut off!
And, scene.
2 responses to “Trump-Putin Phone Call Transcript”
[…] Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump has fond memories of his time with Russian President Vladimir Putin.“If I were president today, Putin would never have invaded Ukraine,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “But Biden stole the election from me, and Putin knows Joe is weak, so he made his move. It’s a brilliant move, pure genius. When I get back into the Oval Office, I’m going to get the army to arrest and destroy anyone who disagrees with me. Destroying enemies is the only way to preserve a strong democracy.”Trump and ex-Secretary of State Mike Pompeo are very impressed with Vlad, calling him “savvy” and “talented” and “one of the great leaders of our time––we should bow and scrape to his glory.”Still, Trump is confident he could control the mad Russian autocrat.“Putin respected me greatly,” Trump brags. “He knew what a fantastic businessman I am and what an incredible job I was doing presidenting. I am very presidential. Most people say I’m the best president in history. We’ll let history decide that. Stephen Miller is writing the history books now, and we’ll be getting them into schools soon.”Trump believes Putin feared him. “Putin saw the tremendous job I was doing rallying NATO, getting all our European allies together. I am a unifier. Everyone says so. And he also saw how I supported Zelinskyy, making sure Ukraine got all the defense systems they needed. Putin is a very strong man like me, and strong men respect each other. He would have stood down if I asked.” The ex-president blowhard has one wish for the world. “Someday soon, I’d like to see a Trump Tower in Moscow. And trust me, that’s going to happen when I get back in office.”———————————————————————— […]
[…] is Tuckinator,” Trump says. “Putin and I got along great because we respected each other. I kept him in line by trying to dissemble NATO and trashing our […]