The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Melania Trump

  • Waldo Asks, “Where’s Melania?”

    Waldo Asks, “Where’s Melania?”

    A hide ‘n seek champ wonders about the first lady.

    Waldo Creedendamp is the world’s foremost expert on blending in and becoming invisible, and even he is curious to know the whereabouts of first lady Melania Trump.

    “It’s like she’s vanished from the Earth,” Waldo told The Lint Screen as he paged through an Orvis catalog of plaid shirts.

    Waldo, a hide ‘n seek champion for over thirty years, said he is “worried sick” about her. “I know all the best hiding places, and I haven’t seen her anywhere.”

    Melania was last seen on May 10, four days before she allegedly received kidney surgery. Although one person reported seeing Ms. Trump last week in the White House, the sighting was suspect since the president’s third wife was supposedly using a knife to etch “Melania & Donald 4Ever” into the oval office desk (it is common knowledge that the first lady prefers guns to knives– and guns are lousy for carving into wood).

    Waldo and many others are also suspicious of the recent tweet made by Melania that read, “I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!” The conspiracy crowd thinks that the voice of the tweet sounds more like the president than the first lady.

    “That’s poppycock!” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “In fact, I have another tweet Melania just wrote this morning. It reads, ‘I am healthy. Very healthy. Tremendously healthy & very well & thankful that I am married to the greatest leader in history. An incredible leader who acts very presidential & is the victim of the biggest WITCH HUNT ever!!! Everyone is calling it SPYGATE. Horrible! Crooked Hillary, the fake news media, and unAmerican Dems are ruining our country!! #MAGA But I, Melania Trump, am healthy & love my husband VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!! No collusion.‘” Sanders look up and glared at Waldo. “That should settle it once and for all.”

    She crossed her arms and pouted dramatically.

    “I don’t know,” Waldo said, shaking his head from side to side. “That tweet just doesn’t sound like Melania to me.”

    “Shut up, twerp, and get lost,” Sanders shouted at him.

    No one has seen Waldo since.

  • Melania Recovering From Smiling Spell

    Melania Recovering From Smiling Spell

    Melania bares teeth in rare public display.

    First Lady Melania Trump is in guarded condition following her recent bout of excessive smiling while attending the funeral of Barbara Bush.

    “The First Lady is recovering nicely,” Dr. Phillip Excelsey of Walter Reed National Military Medical Center told The Lint Screen. “We had feared her face might crack and suffer permanent damage, but, we believe her facial tissue is much more pliable than we originally thought. We believe she has the power to smile again.”

    Mrs. Trump when in the company of her husband Donald J. Trump typically wears a stern face–– one that appears depressed, or a face projecting a desperate statement like “please-kill-me-now-or-help-me-escape-this-living-hell-with-this-asinine-man-child.”

    “She projects her serious face that reflects her eternal loving admiration and respect for how presidential her husband acts,” White House media relations director Tippy McIntrosh told reporters. “Let’s face it, she is one lucky woman being married to undoubtedly the greatest world leader of all time. A man so many women want!”

    The president’s spin master was peppered with questions from the press as to why the First Lady seemed so animated and happy at a funeral, away from her husband.

    “She was probably thinking of President Trump and his incredible achievements in making America great again and his determination to snuff-out vermin like you fake newshounds. Now get on outta here! Go on, git!”

    Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, it was reported a forum of Republican congressmen is drafting legislation to deport Melania Trump for brandishing her treasonous teeth.

  • Bill Forces First Lady To Hold Prez’s Hand

    Some people speculate the new bill was inspired by Melania Trump’s recent brushing away of President Trump’s hand.

    Rep. Emmett Russell III of Alabama has proposed a Congressional bill that would force the First Lady to hold hands with her husband.

    H.R. 321, “The Palm-to-Palm Act”, would make it a federal law that America’s First Lady must hold the hand of the President “at his discretion.”

    “When a man marries a woman,” Rep. Russell told The Lint Screen, “that is a sacred trust that can never be broken because it’s two people vowing to love one another until death do them part. Which means a woman must do her man’s will when he likes, no matter what, no questions asked. It’s God’s law. And the man, well, he has sacred obligations for his sweetie–– like giving her some nice trinkets, sweet-smelling perfumes, fancy underwear, a Whitman’s Sampler of fine chocolates, or what-have-you on special occasions. That’s what love is, doing good for the goose and good for the gander.”

    Rep. Russell said he has been married 39-years “to the same wonderful woman who took my seed and bore my offspring. You can call me an incurable romantic, but I firmly believe a woman needs to stand by her man at all times. And that’s especially true of the First Lady. And with my bill, if she don’t, she’ll be serving time.”