The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Mr. Tuggles

  • Colorful Character Declares Candidacy

    Carl The Chameleon throws his multi-colored hat into the ring. Handguns fire in celebration!
    Although Mr. Tuggles exited the presidential race, a new candidate has stepped forward with grand ambitions: Carl The Chameleon.

    “This is tremendous news for the nation,” said campaign manager, Sandy Oceans in a press conference held in Portland, Oregon this morning. “This 2012 campaign already has a Newt, but now it has a lizard that people can really believe in. One that can change its colors to fit the environment perfectly. And, a candidate with stereoscopic eyes to boldly see a future where we all can live in economic prosperity and jobs aplenty! Two, three, four jobs for everyone! A couple of ’em six figure babies, to boot! And get a load of this– whatever the voters want, they will most certainly get– with a cherry on top– because that’s the kind of government Carl The Chameleon believes in! And let me tell you, you won’t be getting that from any poopy puppy or mangy monkey, no siree! All they’ll do is give you empty promises. Carl The Chameleon will deliver results beautifully!”

    A crowd of hundreds applauded loudly and shot off handguns in joyous celebration. The competing campaign camps for Santy Paws and Ms. Pickles did not return phone calls for commentary on Carl The Chameleon’s candidacy, nor was there any word from Newt’s people.

  • Tuggles Pulls Out of Prez Race

    The cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio leaves the presidential race in disgrace.
    In a startling development, Mr. Tuggles, the cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio, has pulled out of the 2012 U.S. presidential race following recent allegations of “doing bad things, very bad things” to a mysterious cat.

    Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole, New Hampshire, where the Tuggles campaign was promising residents “people who don’t live free should die a thousand pain-filled deaths” and those that vote for Mr. Tuggles in the primary “will receive gold Rolex watches, house boats and Florida time shares” for their support.

    In his statement, a tearful Ossenwold said, “Mr. Tuggles has decided to withdraw his bid for the highest office in the land due to personal, prayerful considerations. This decision in no way reflects the recent outrageous wild allegations of sexual improprieties made by a cat of loose morals. Mr. Tuggles is pure as the driven snow that has never been violated by a footstep,” said Ossenweld sobbing. “He was a contender, Mr. Tuggles was. He coulda been king of the world, I tells ya– king of the world!”

    Ossenwold then collapsed at the podium as bored reporters stepped over his convulsing body to get on to the next juicy political story.

  • Tuggles Accused of Hanky Panky

    Mysterious kitty claims Mr. Tuggles did "very bad things."
    The presidential campaign for cute kitten candidate, Mr. Tuggles, was rocked today when a mysterious female cat came forward and claimed that the precious prez-would-be feline “did bad, bad things” during a relationship with her.

    The whistleblower cat would not detail specifics of what exactly Mr. Tuggles did, but she said, “they were definitely bad things. Very, very bad things. Kind of nasty, really.”

    The Mr. Tuggles campaign was in Iowa promising corn farmers heavy subsidies and shiny new cars and 42-room mansions for growing their corn “high as an elephant’s eye.” Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for the Mr. Tuggles campaign, said the allegations were “outrageous and slanderous.”

    “I’ll just bet that miserable mutt or stupid monkey are behind this,” said Ossenwold referring to other presidential candidates, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles. “This is dirty politics at its worst. That cat making these wild claims against Mr. Tuggles isn’t even that hot,” said Ossenwold, “I mean, come on, Tuggles could do way better than that cat,” Ossenwold said as he spat to the ground in disgust and kicked up a cloud of dust that blinded many reporters.

    There was no comment made by either campaign camps for Santy Paws or Ms. Pickles.

  • Tuggles: Paws Could Be A Killer

    Tuggles Camp alleges Paws may have killer tendencies
    The campaign manager of adorable prez pup hopeful, Santy Paws, recently alleged a dead bird may have been the handiwork of Mr. Tuggles, a cute kitten also running for the nation’s top job. Today, Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles fired back as he showed a reproduction of an oil painting of two dogs looking hungrily at a bird that is flying away for safety’s sake.

    “It’s outrageous to think that a fluff o’ love like Mr. Tuggles could possible hurt another one of God’s creatures,” said Ossenwold in front of a bank of media microphones. “He has love in heart for all, except those evilniks who would do harm to America. He hates those hateful people deeply and wants to kill them and send their souls to hell for eternal damnation.”

    Mr. Ossenwold then pointed to the artwork reproduction on an easel. “As we can clearly see from this police sketch done in oils, dogs have hated birds throughout history. Naturally, I think that Santy Paws, being a member of this historically blood thirsty community, could be the killer of the bird discovered recently. I find it outrageous that the suspected murdering mutt’s campaign manager accused my candidate of possibly killing a bird when his candidate is a sworn enemy to our winged friends. If any animal killed that poor little birdie, it’s probably that vicious killing machine, Santy Paws. Oh, I don’t blame the mad dog. It’s in his blood. If Mr. Tuggles is elected, he might consider pardoning that pitiful creature with obvious anger management issues.”

    There was no response from Santy Paws campaign headquarters.

  • Paws Claims Tuggles May Be A Killer

    Is Mr. Tuggles a cold-blooded killer? Suspicions are raised.
    As the heat of campaigning turns up, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for popular pup prez candidate, Santy Paws, today speculated that a dead bird discovered in a Canfield, Ohio yard may have been the handiwork of competing presidential candidate, cute kitty Mr. Tuggles, a Canfield resident.

    “Look, lots of birds get done in by these cats with their anger issues,” said a visibly upset Sam Merchant. “I ain’t saying that Tuggles did gave this poor little birdie his angel wings, but then again I ain’t saying he didn’t or couldn’t. Fact is, even cute kittens have sharp teeth and quick razor claws that can kill. I think that the American public needs to remember that our great nation has never elected a cold-blooded killer into the oval office, and I for one couldn’t catch many winks at night knowing that I voted for a vicious murdering cat like Mr. Tuggles could very well be. We just don’t know what this baby wild beast is capable of doing. Let’s not elect a potential blood thirsty killer here! It won’t do our image diddly-squat.”

    Merchant then announced that Santy Paws would hold a press conference tomorrow in an aviary in St. Louis.

  • Paws Tells Tuggles He’ll “Bring It But Good”

    Merchant says Paws will play for keeps
    Adorable presidential pup contender, Santy Paws, is not going to back down from the cute kitty presidential candidate, Mr. Tuggles.

    In response to Jerry Ossenwold, Mr. Tuggles’s campaign manager who recently challenged the puppy to “bring it,” Santy Paws’s campaign manager Sam Merchant says, “Oh, he’ll bring it, bring it but good! Santy will bring it so hard that that kitten won’t know what hit him. We’ll show those wisenheimers, we mean business. They looking for a fight? Well Santy Paws and me have just one thing to say, here, kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty–– Santy Paws has a nice present for you!”

    With that, Sam Merchant begin twirling two brass balls in the palm of his right hand as his left hand crunched a walnut. The campaign manager then ate the walnut, shell and all, and laughed maniacally.