British journalist Charlie Brooker reveals proven tricks of the trade for putting together a news segment. Follow his savvy advice and start your very own news show. It’s easy when you know how! Now, where’d I put my satellite dish…
You write and we respond. Hey, this freedom of speech thing really works! Dear Lint Screen:
I am miffed, disappointed and somewhat outraged at your consistent hostile attitude toward what you consider to be lower level primates, more to the point, chimps and monkeys.
It is obvious you are prejudiced against these superior creatures and harbor deep-rooted resentment and hostilities that are completely unfounded and, quite frankly, border on hysterical paranoia. You seem to think that simply because you have witnessed excrement flinging by monkeys in zoo cages that all members of their society are dangerous and should be feared, mocked and ridiculed. Preposterous!
If you were caged and had people paraded by you endlessly, I am quite certain you would also find some innocent amusement to occupy your time. If monkeys had rubber spherical objects, they could throw them to and fro, but alas they do not. I postulate that if 100 chimps had typewriters placed before them, they could write Hamlet or MacBeth. Or certainly an episode of American Dad.
Alas, they have neither spherical objects or keyboards and so must use items close at hand for idle amusement. It is a pity you find this harmless act so repulsive that your petty nature demands you throw stones at monkey for throwing other ‘things.’ Recall what one of your kind once said about throwing stones whilst living in glass houses as your race continually wars with one another demonstrating an inherent inhumanity toward fellow man, and rapes our planet of precious resources intended for all living creatures.
In short, it is little wonder that some day very soon you will find your Statue of Liberty buried on the beach and the planet ruled by apes. You have been duly warned. Good day, sir!
Regretfully,
Dr. C. Edmund Primateus
Dear Dr. Primateus:
What can I say– monkeys flinging poo makes me laugh.
Dear Lint Screen:
I have been dating the same man for over a decade. He’s rude, two-faced, has poor hygiene, is selfish, egotistical, inconsiderate, insanely jealous, petty, completely self-centered, without backbone or morals, shows no ambition or direction and treats his dog better than he treats me. After 12 years in this horrible relationship, I wonder just one thing– why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?
Sincerely,
Emma Zinderkim
Dear Ms. Zinderkim:
Men! Who can figure?!
Dear Lint Screen:
Did you see where I put my car keys? I can’t find them anywhere.
Sincerely,
Jason Wilcrest, Jr.
Dear Mr. Wilcrest:
You’ll find them in the left front pocket of your jeans in the dirty clothes hamper. Now leave your house immediately, there’s an electrical fire in the basement.
President Jay Leno promises to get higher ratings and more sponsor support– while having a blast!In a surprising move, President Barack Obama will soon be replaced by comedian Jay Leno.
Obama has been contending with declining approval ratings recently, and it is hoped Leno can bring back some viewers and sponsor support.
“Jay’s a dynamo,” said Phil Westerkin, an avid TV viewer, “he’s just so funny you can’t help but like him to see what sort of wacky shenanigans he might get into. I about bust a gut every time I see him!”
Obama spokespeople expressed disappointment in the decision. “We were promised four years when we got the presidency,” said a high ranking cabinet official, “we just needed a little more time to build our audience. Our lawyers are checking the contract. We may fight it.”Obama takes the news hard.
Leno is elated at the news of his appointment. “I’m a pretty lucky guy. I never thought I’d grow up to host the Tonight Show, and shazam, I’m hosting. I never thought I’d become president, but, here I am, President! It’s been a wild, wild ride and I think I can give the people what they want. My first week in office I’m going to book Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Larry the Cable Guy, Senator Harry Reid and musical guest, James Blunt. It’ll be great.”
Obama is rumored to be talking to both Fox and ABC about new shows, possibly being teamed with Conan O’Brien.
Not exactly what people had been expecting from Steve Jobs.With the announcement by Steve Jobs of Apple’s new tablet device just minutes away, The Lint Screen has learned the gizmo will have a definite retro feel.
“The designers at Apple were getting tired of the sleek, modern look for devices,” said a Cupertino insider, “so they went for something a bit more classic. The tablet is made of stone and weighs 42 pounds.”
The device will come complete with a hammer and chisel. “From a technological standpoint, it’s pretty radical. It doesn’t even require a power source or software.”
Soon we’ll see if this rumor is true, and also the rumor that Steve Jobs will be wearing a blue knit shirt and black jeans.
As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.
This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont. Politicians scramble to find corporate sponsors. “Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”
Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”
Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”
With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”
In a stunning development, M. Carl Hurlybubb of Decatur, Georgia, reports he recently participated in a business meeting that he found “boring.”
Occupational hazard: boredom leads to naughty barnyard animal thoughts.“My team gathered to touch base and get in the loop with one another. Our deliverable was to spitball some ideas and think outside the box to generate some win-win situations that we could later take offline and leverage to reap the rewards of maximizing potential ROI opportunities. Bottom line, at the end of the day was that right, wrong or indifferent, we were looking to have some positive impact vis a vis our business situation and be able to apply some metrics to their success in the consumer centric marketplace. Our intent was to go the extra mile and create some synergies that could be baked into fast tracking positive results that might advance the ball and move the chains so we could eventually put some points on the board. Unfortunately, though, I was not able to track with all the varied dialogue around the subject and became bored in hour seven of our nine hour pow-wow. I felt awful about that.”
Mr. Hurlybubb reports he “doodled” and allowed his mind to wander during the meeting. “I confess I imagined some of my team members to be disrobed and acting like certain breeds of barnyard animals. I’m not proud of this. I’m afraid I lost focus and let my team down.” He promised to do better in the future.
