It ain’t pretty, but at least Percocets can ease the pain.On Monday, Nov. 2, a man I barely know had me stripped and knocked out. Then he cut open my left buttock, yanked out my left leg bone, sawed-off the diseased arthritic ball joint, cemented a new titanium one into the leg bone and put it back into the hip joint (where he had placed a new artificial socket for smooth hip rotation).
Welcome to total hip replacement surgery. Welcome to arthritis playing for keeps. Welcome to the ravages of growing old. Welcome to some Percocet-inspired notes about my ordeal for your enlightenment and perhaps even amusement. To quote a great philosopher, “The only thing that distinguishes mankind from animals is our ability to laugh at pain, and not wag our tails.”
This was my second hip replacement. My right hip was replaced in April, 2008. It’s wonderful not to have arthritic pain there anymore, but to get to that pain-free other side requires a painful journey. The surgery, the rehabilitation, the scrutiny of TSA personnel when traveling because your fake hip got the metal detectors screaming, they’re all part of the process. Watch your step!The good news is you can be fixed. The bad news is medical science hasn’t made the process a cakewalk or cake-hobble.
I will spend the next few blog entries detailing my experience. Reading these will be less painful than hip surgery and probably somewhat more enjoyable.
Daniel got nothing on me.Many people have often compared me to Daniel Day Lewis– with the exception of his good looks, incredible acting talent and fantabulous wealth.
Still, we’re pretty much two peas in a pod. Daniel starred in My Left Foot, and I am soon to star in My Left Hip. You see, dear children, this Lint Screenin’ daddy-o is about to undergo ‘total hip replacement’ surgery on Monday, November 2.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking: he’s just doing that because joint replacement surgery is what all the cool baby boomers are having– it’s the “in” operation to have and he’s just got to have it!
On left, the plastic model from my doc’s office. Yum!Sure, I’ll confess that there is a certain amount of peer pressure involved, but there is also the little issue of arthritis decaying my joints these past 8 years like gasoline on Styrofoam (try it some time– what happens when the gas makes contact is pure evil). I had my right hip replaced in April of 2008, and now it’s time to balance the technology to alleviate my pain.
As Carly Simon sang, “I haven’t got time for the pain”, so I will undergo pain to be done with it. My store-bought titanium right hip is pain-free, with the exception of the commotion it causes going through security at airports. But its triggering of alarms does afford me the unique and stimulating opportunity to share a little bonding time with friendly TSA personnel. F-U-N!
The high tech utilized to indicate which hip needs replacement.While I certainly don’t look forward to this surgery, I do look forward to some day soon not having pain that causes my entire body to contort to compensate. I also look forward to one day getting off the pain management medication teat.
In the grand scheme of things, what I’m going through is nothing. This is fixable, and physical therapy and time make it better than before. No pity parties here. It’s just a minor repair and I think I still have some mileage left on me.
I ask you all to contemplate your lives, count your blessings, remember the suffering of those who have little hope, and give thanks for good health. I will leave you with a photo of the chart which will be a focal point of my room in the hospital. It forces one to think about the pain he/she is feeling. What is your number? It’s a good think to think about daily. What is your number?Put a number to your pain. Now, reduce it. By the way, you may not be reading fresh dispatches for a little while, I’ll be whacked-out on the goof. In the meantime, I invite you to graze deeper into the Lint. Here’s ten of the most popular morsels you may have missed and ample proof as to why this blog is the world’s fastest growing website containing the words “Lint” and “Screen”: http://bit.ly/4oE8ug http://bit.ly/IfrBR http://bit.ly/kSBMn http://bit.ly/Pw8Ah http://bit.ly/RtgjN http://bit.ly/1VRoUk http://bit.ly/15Wtzv http://bit.ly/whi6I http://bit.ly/2luzZK
And, for all you monkey humor fans, http://bit.ly/9MonkeyDinner
Of course, there’s plenty more fun to be discovered and shared. Thanks for playing, mind those hips.
Get a load of this ad and over five dozen more, FREE!You like entertainment? Inspiration? Temptation? Ads with added subtle propagandistic messaging? You’ve come to the right place, pal.
Introducing the exclusive Vortex Bar & Grill/Ames Scullin O’Haire Screensaver, yours for the downloading over the interwebs free o’ charge.
Enjoy over 60 Vortex ads, intermixed with subliminal messages from the agency that created them. You’re sure to love this screensaver, and your screen will love you for saving it from the damnation of burn-in.
Pick your flavor, download and enjoy. Free is a good price for anything, and a great price for something this eye-feasting-licious. Yow-wee-ka-zowee! Download away! MacVersion PCVersion
Did kid con carney? The world stands aghast (with cornie dog and deep fried butter in hand).In a historic first, a carney recently had to pay out a large stuffed animal when a patron miraculously put the ball through the basketball hoop at The Texas State Fair.
“I ain’t never seen nothing like it,” said Lucky Doodrop, a gaming specialist operating the Shoot for Glory booth. “I didn’t even know those whatchamacallit ball-orb-thingies could go through the hoop-y-dealies– but I surely saw it with my own two eyes! It were either an act of God or I got myself snookered, but good!” said the contrite carney as he expelled a stream of tobacco juice into his styrofoam spit cup.
The winning shooter, one Kenny Lorridore of Driscoll, Texas, said he never expected to win. “I’ve played this game for long as I can remember, but I’ve never even come close. Probably spent close to $5,000 trying to win me a big stuffed animal, now I somehow did it! Don’t know where I’m going to put the big sucker, but by gum he’s mine, all mine!”
“It’s just not fair,” said Mr. Doodrop, ” I have been done in by ill-fated chance or flim-flammery, and my heart is truly broken for I loved me that stuffed critter, what that no good cheating kid done stole from me. I aims to see it don’t never get done again!”
With that, the irate carney flipped down the lid to his welder’s cap, ignited his arc torch and began heating the basketball rim, tightening the circumference on his game of chance.
Last week’s “Balloon Boy” story was all the rage, until it was discovered to be a hoax.
Now Richard and Mayumi Heene say all three of their sons are missing and they’d like America’s help in finding them.
“We got some tremendous ratings last week with just one of our kids missing, so we should do triple the viewership with all three of those rascals gone,” said Richard Heene.
“Yes, they are really missing, I swear to God,” added his wife.
“What we’d like to do is have a 24-hour channel and have everyone look for our kids and report in with their findings. It’d be kind of like a Situation Room show without the beard. Mayumi and me would be the hosts, but here’s what makes it even more exciting. If we get some sponsors, we could give away prizes to the people who find our kids– who are really missing for real this time.”
“Yes, our three sons are missing, we haven’t seen hide nor hair of them for a day now,” said Mayumi as she doctored her make-up.
“So the premise of the show is kind of a Where’s Waldo? deal, but we’d call our show ‘My Three Sons Are Missing’ playing off the old popular sitcom.”
“But there is nothing funny about our children being gone. They are really missing this time, I mean really, really missing,” said a distraught Mayumi Heene as she sliced onions and began to cry. “I am so sad, look at me crying. I am crying tears of sorrow.”
“There, there, Mayumi,” said Richard Heene, “with America’s help, we’ll find our kids on My Three Sons Are Missing. Uh, babe, please don’t bogart that onion, dear– daddy needs a little emotive time, too.”
Scum admit hoax.Now that Richard and Mayumi Heene have admitted that last week’s ‘Balloon Boy’ episode was a hoax, authorities are determined to make them pay. Not with a fine or legal proceedings, but with a dangerous act for the couple’s 6-year old son named Falcon who was allegedly in the balloon that received incredible national attention.
“These parents are scum exploiting their own son for publicity purposes,” said Sheriff Paul Orming, “now the entire family is going to have to pay. We’re going to send that little chicken to outer space!”6-year old to be shot into space, fame will followOrming is proposing sending the young boy who was allegedly in the balloon into outer space inside a vintage space capsule. “The parents said their kid was in the balloon and the nation watched in record numbers as the drama unfolded. Later we found out the little coward wasn’t in the balloon at all– he was hiding! That won’t stand! People like drama and we’re going to give it to them!”
Since viewership was so high for the ‘Balloon Boy’ episode, Orming believes sending the innocent 6-year old into space will garner even more media attention.
“This family wants to be famous, well, by gum we’ll make them freaking famous. We’re going to make Falcon a hero, if he makes it back alive, then they can get their own reality show like they wanted, co-starring Wolf Blitzer, Diane Sawyer or Larry King.”
The little boy could not be found for comment. Many suspect he’s hiding.
