The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Patrick Scullin

  • Boehner Sues LeBron James

    LeBron accused of acting like "a king"
    LeBron accused of acting like “a king”

    Speaker of the House John Boehner is keeping his legal team busy. Now he’s suing both President Obama and NBA superstar LeBron James.

    In a lawsuit filed earlier today, Boehner claims “LeBron is acting like a King, even pronouncing himself ‘King James’. He seems to think that he can claim whatever domain he likes, moving from Miami to Cleveland and doing whatever he wants. But this is America, and we fought the British to ensure we’d never live under a king’s rule again, or have to eat crumpets or watercress sandwiches with no crusts! I want to bring LeBron James back down to size!”

    Later in the day, Boehner also filed lawsuits against a Starbucks barista, a convenience store clerk and a 16-year old kid working a McDonald’s drive through window. The House Speaker said “all of them were acting like kings! They had haughty attitudes like then expected me to drink tea at four in the afternoon and ride in fox hunts wearing tight slacks. They seemed very self important. This has got to stop! This is not the America our forefathers did stuff for.”

  • RomCom Yuckfest

    Ain't romance something?! Yeah, you betcha it is!
    Ain’t romance something?! Yeah, you betcha it is!

    For anyone who’s suffered through mindless romantic comedies, They Came Together covers some familiar territories with sharp sarcastic teeth.

    It does for the genre what Airplane did for disaster movies (not nearly as hilarious, but with plenty of laughs, characters and memorable scenes). Just to be clear, this is not a classic like Airplane, but it’s got many more laughs than most contemporary comedies.

    If you’re looking for a fun way to spend 83 minutes, grab this baby on demand and let Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader, Ed Helms, Ken Marino and over a dozen more comic actors deliver the goods.

    The plot is as stupid as any modern romcom, and the script by Michael Showalter and David Wain (who also directed) delivers sophomoric laughs throughout. This is mindless entertainment at its best.

    Order it up and enjoy the ride.

  • Boehner Blasts Obama For USA Weakness in World Cup

    Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA soccer loss
    Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA World Cup soccer loss

    U.S. Speaker of the House, John Boehner, thinks President Barack Obama once again let the nation down by allowing its soccer team to be defeated by Belgium 2-1 in The World Cup quarterfinals yesterday. “Obama once again has shown America weakness,” said Boehner in a prepared statement, “and it’s a disgrace.”

    Boehner went on to give Obama some leadership advice. “Obama should dispatch troops to Belgium immediately. It’s a puny country, let’s give them a good lesson. Let’s get two or three aircraft carriers up there, and let’s also swarm them with drones! It’s high time this President took some action and showed the world that America is still number one, regardless of the score of some stupid soccer game,” Boehner said as he stepped away from the microphone, took a deep breath and continued.

    “Yes, I said soccer and not ‘futbal.’ Look, world–– football is spelled with a “foot” and it’s what real Americans play. Tough Americans. The kind of Americans that Barack Obama is not! Football, real football, is oblong, not circley, and made of pigskin. And you can use your hands and your feet to play it, the way God and our forefathers intended. I’m not even sure what this soccer thing is. Frankly, I think we should sue The World Cup for trying to co-op our American invention of football and misspelling it ‘futbal’ to avoid lawsuits. I’m ready to dispatch my team of flying lawyers to Brazil. I’m serious!”

    Boehner wept.

  • Monsanto Develops New ‘Seeds of Democracy’

    The seeds of democracy may soon be spread in Iraq!
    The seeds of democracy may soon be spread in Iraq!

    With crisis raging through Iraq after over a decade of military intervention, a trillion dollars spent and the loss of priceless American lives, it appears “the seeds of democracy” have not taken root. But that’s about to change.

    Monsanto, the multinational agrochemical and agricultural biotechnology corporation, has announced it has developed “genetically modified seeds of democracy that will flourish in even the harshest of political conditions. Sand, dirt, rock or even harder substances–– like the skulls of religious zealots. It really doesn’t matter, these seeds will grow anywhere!”

    The miracle seeds will be sold to the U.S. Government “For such a deal, maybe two to three hundred bucks less than a trillion dollar war,” said a sales/marketing representative for Monsanto. An attorney quickly jumped in. “And once these seeds are planted, we own wherever democracy grows,” the legal beagle barked. “In fact, we’ll own any damn place that democracy has already taken root. That’s the Monsanto way!”

    Washington in abuzz with political chatter about “the magic seeds of democracy” and is expecting to soon be slathered in a flood of lobbyist funds to “help better inform” their decisions.

    The prospects for government purchase of Monsanto’s new seeds is looking strong.

  • Trolls Blast Lint Screen’s 500th Post

    Critics slam post and obviously need good conditioner
    Critics slam post and obviously need good conditioner

    This is the 500th post captured on The Lint Screen, the world’s premiere website for tom foolery and the occasional dollop of wisdom under a title associated with the name of a laundry-related object. And the reviews of this post are already less than stellar.

    “I thought it’d be a hell of a lot better,” writes opusmango354.
    “It’s suck on a stick,” slammed myworldsbetterthanyours92.
    “Reminds me of the finale of ‘Lost’–– a heaping helping of disappointment,” posted ragamuffinhead3. “And the dude who played Hugo in ‘Lost’ sucked!”

    Still, the editorial staff of The Lint Screen stands by its decision to post its 500th missive. “For almost six years, we’ve been grinding these dispatches out. We’ve learned there’s always going to be haters out there,” said one editor as he dove under his desk dodging a volley of bullets from a car driving by. “We’re going to keep trying to please the people because, well, we’re people pleaser people.”

    “How lame,” commented mesospecial909. “I hope the 501st post is a lot better than this one.”

  • Job Hunters: Pimp Thee Well

    Got to give it some lovin'.
    Got to give it some lovin’.

    Advertising is supposed to be a creative business, yet most creative people hunting for a job take an unimaginative approach. They don’t create good ads for themselves.

    I recently came across some of the work I used early in my career and share it now for your enlightenment or amusement. There was a simple reason I did these creative letters of recommendation–– my advertising work was bad. When I opened my portfolio, the work sucked so much it created a vacuum.

    But my letters got attention and usually led to interviews where I often heard the same comment: “Why isn’t your work as good as your letters?” Good question. It would take me awhile to find the ability to express myself in ads.

    Years ago, I wrote about my Ed McMahon letter of recommendation.
    Here’s that letter in all its PDF glory: Ed McMahon:Scullin

    Ed wasn’t the only guy singing my praises. I also enlisted legendary adgod, Jay Chiat. Here’s what he had to say: Jay Chiat:Scullin

    And, finally, a couple of brothers with a pollywog & stilts store: Turley Bros:Scullin

    All of these self-pimps under the pen of others was my way to show what my work did not–– that I was creative. Stupid? Yes.
    Childish? Certainly.
    Effective? Absolutely.

    These letters got noticed, remarked on, and led to interviews. Eventually, I even proved myself somewhat worthy.

    So, prospective creative job hunter, how could you pimp yourself more creatively? Do so, because you can’t get any less hired and you may find your dream job.