The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Patrick Scullin

  • Surgical Deja Vu


    Call me Robo-Man. I’ve got a matching set of these suckers.

    Three weeks ago, I went under the knife for my fourth hip replacement surgery in five years. Arthritis was the cause for the first two total hip replacements, faulty equipment was the cause for the subsequent “revision” hip surgeries. Seems that the parts they put in me tend to flake off titanium bits into soft tissue, blood and such. I’ve got very high levels of cobalt chromium in my blood. Heavy metal is fine for listening to, not so much to have coursing through your body. Now it’s up to my kidneys to purify my body to its former temple-like self.

    Spo dee oh dee oh! At least I’m on the right side of the soil. I’m very thankful for that.

    The good news is that if you get enough hip surgeries, you eventually get a free 12″ Quiznos sub, large beverage and free Blockbuster movie rental. Actually, the good news is that if you undergo the same surgery enough times, your body will get better at rehabilitating itself. Practice, practice, practice!

    I’m on the mend, faster than the previous three surgeries, and I’ll soon ease back into society. The Lint Screen has an entire category dedicated to hip replacements, begin the story of surgery #2 here. Here are some closing thoughts about the entire ordeal (that I hopefully will not have to experience for 15-20 years) that you may find helpful should you ever have to go on a surgical vacation.

    — It could be the meds or your body’s self preservation, but your very painful experience will be softened in your memory. Rest assured, the pain that you do remember was pretty damn painful if you recall it.

    — During this last surgery, I had a catheter inserted when I was under anesthesia. In other surgeries, I did not. Anesthesia causes your body to shut down, but medical science wants you to expel your wastes. So, if you cannot pee on your own after some time, they will insert a catheter post-surgery. This is a pain that you will remember all your days. I was relieved I had a catheter in place when I awoke from surgery, but eventually it must be pulled out. This experience results is another pain that you will remember all your days, along with the pain of trying to pee for hours on end with great difficulty doing so. Enough about #1, let’s talk #2.

    — Anesthesia and pain killers also constipate you. It’s a horrible experience to have bodily functions you desperately want to do but cannot. Your body is upset with you (“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!), and you’re upset with it (“WHY WON’T YOU DO WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO?!”). It’s going to take awhile to sort this out…

    — The term “painkiller” is false advertising. At best, they are “take the edge off my goddamn pain!” pills. These little white wonders also have nice side effects like constipating you. They also can bring about depression (as if you needed medical help to lower your spirits after this ordeal). Yes, you need these pills, they do do some good. But they also do some evil. When you feel you can get off them– do so and downshift to OTC meds.

    — And another bad side effects of painkillers is this: they make you itchy. As you can imagine, itching and pain do not mix well.

    — Sweats are your friends. Screw fashion. You’re homebound for awhile. Keep loose, baby.

    — Try as long as you can to avoid looking at your scar. You will see it eventually, and when you do you’ll know why you hurt so much. You’ll also see why hip surgeries really are a royal pain in the ass.

    — Some surgeons use surgical staples to bind the wounds they make. Others use surgical glue with a clear protective cover. Surgical glue is much easier on the body. Surgical staples have to be removed and that’s not fun.

    — Physical therapists all have their own style, but for God’s sake do what they tell you to do. Yes, physical therapy hurts, but if you don’t strengthen the surgical area, you could be in for a lifetime of pain and suffering. Do the work now to avoid trouble down the road.

    — Your body is not 100% and your mind is nowhere near 100%. Don’t think you can think very well even if you think you are thinking well. You’re on drugs, remember? Rest up, champ. Give your mind and body a break. Neither is up for much of a challenge.

    — It’s hard to look cool when you’re ambulating in a walker. Who knew?

    — Your cane is your friend.

    — Never, ever, ever, ever fall. Be very careful on stairs. You can very easily muck up all the medical science applied to your healing body, and the last place you want to go again is a hospital. Be careful out there!

    My final word of advice, avoid surgery if you can, but if you are living in constant pain, well, bite the bullet and get the surgery. Just ask the anesthesiologist for something stronger for pain relief than a bullet to chomp down on during the procedure.

    Stay healthy.

  • Viewing Deck To Be Added To Fiscal Cliff

    Fiscal cliff to get viewing deck like Grand Canyon’s (in theory).

    As Washington heats up to rattle sabers over the impending drive toward the ‘fiscal cliff’, an ambitious carnival company has begun construction on a viewing deck for the public.

    “We figure don’t nobody know how far a piece that drop over the edge of the fiscal cliff is,” said F. “Cronk” Tastersall, the owner of A-Plus+ Amusements, “so we figured we’ve give ’em a window ‘neath their feet so they could have themselves a look-see.”

    Many Washington politicians are upset at that action being taken by the aggressive amusement company. “Seems to me that the American public should benefit from this attraction,” said an unnamed Congressman, “not some carnies with corny dog breath.” “We should be using those revenues from the viewing deck to do something good, like I don’t know, something or other,” said an irate Senator.

    Despite the criticism, Mr. Tastersall remains resolute in his commitment to the project. “I got six or seven boxes of extra parts from rides we’ve built over the year,” said the 58-year old entrepreneur. “Why, I’m pretty sure we can cobble us together a fine viewing deck with ’em.”

  • Elections Over, America Copes

    We the people somehow survived.

    With the 2012 elections finally over, the United States of America rebuilds its psyche.

    After being pummeled by billions of dollars spent in negative advertising, and endless hours of pundits punditizing endlessly, and millions of promises for happier days ahead if (INSERT CANDIDATE NAME HERE) is elected, a wounded nation now gathers its wits and hopes against all odds that politicians elected will actually do something working together instead of grandstanding.

    Yes, democracy hurts, the process can be ugly, but perhaps now our divided nation will go forward for the greater good. Wouldn’t that be something?

    Cheers, America.

  • Low Information Voter Interviewed

    Should Yancy Turmunder be trusted with the power to vote? Hmmm...

    Recently, Yancy Turmunder, an assistant manager of Best Buy and a self-described “undecided” (low information) voter sat down to be interviewed about voting in the upcoming election.

    “Where do I go to vote and what do I do?’ he asked with his head cocked. When told his local voting location, his eyes glazed over. “Is that the bricky place by the sidewalk and the pretty trees?” he asked with furrowed brow.

    When told that it was the school just down the street, he asked, “So, we’re supposed to vote for school president? I’m kind of old for that. I don’t know many kids.”

    It was explained that Tuesday was a national election, to elect an adult the President of the United States of America. Yancy nodded his head slowly.

    “And the President’s the top dog of the country, right?”
    Yes, was the response.
    “What are my choices? Do any of them wear nice clothes or talk good?” he asked.

    The interviewer exited the room quietly and left Yancy to decide who would be the next leader of the free world.

  • The Presidential Race Heats Up!

    Punctuation may hold the key for winning the 2012 campaign.

    Last week, President Barack Obama’s campaign shifted into hyper-gear as it added an exclamation point to its longstanding slogan of “FORWARD!”

    An advisor for Mitt Romney says that his candidate will not take such aggression lysing down. “We’re officially going to counter by adding two exclamation points to our slogan “BELIEVE IN AMERICA!!” said the advisor. “Consider this checkmate, Mr. President. Pack the oval office and rent the U-Haul, you’re kaputski.”

    The Obama campaign is rumored to be conducting focus group testing of what is described by one insider as “a nuclear response” to the crafty Romney response–– a slogan with three exclamation points. “No presidential campaign has ever been so bold, so declarative. We think we can put this race away once and for all if ‘FORWARD!!!‘ tests well.”

    The Romney camp did not return phone calls, but anonymous sources within the campaign report that campaign leaders are seriously exploring a variety of punctuation options going forward!!!!!!!!!

  • Ohio Secedes From The Union

    Ohio goes Canuck, what will the political system do?

    After being pummeled with non-stop political ads for months on end, pestered by pollsters and pundits, and being yammered at by candidates from both political parties, Ohio is calling off the jams. The Buckeye State has formally declared that it is no longer one of these United States of America. It is now officially a Canadian province.

    “We had our fill, eh,” said former Ohio state representative Horace N. Hubbard. “The constant barrage of ads slinging mud, the never-ending parade of pols and their idiotic photo ops, the polling people and nonstop video remotes–- it just made life unbearable. We looked across Lake Erie and saw our solution: Canada, the most loved country on Earth. Good healthcare, virtually no gun violence, sane and cordial people. A country so confident in its inherit coolness, it even has a big ol’ honkin’ red leaf on its flag. So we decided to go for it, we Ohioans have become Canadians, eh.”

    In celebration, Ohioans stormed polling places and broke all voting machines. “After they tried to suppress the vote,” said Becky Tumberdon a former election official, “we said to hell with it. Let the other 49 states decide who runs the country. We’ll be watching hockey and drinking good beer, eh.”

    Both campaigns are at a loss with what to do with their free time now that Ohio has seceded. One campaign manager said that the candidates may scour Virginia in search of dirty pots and pans. “Candidates scrubbing seems to test very well with focus groups,” he said.