The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Putin

  • Putin “Worried Sick” About Election Results

    Putin “Worried Sick” About Election Results

    “Pootie” is running scared!

    Russia President Vladimir Putin projects a tough guy image, but apparently, it’s an act.

    “The poor guy is worried sick,” Dmitry Yermolay, the editor of The Free Russia Democratic Absolute Truth Teller told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think he’s slept a wink for months. He loves his job and is terrified of losing it.”

    Putin, the 65-year-old incumbent, is running for a fourth term as President of Russia against a field of seven contenders. “Putin is quite nervous about his opponents,” Yermolay confided. “He told me it is a very strong group he must beat and that his chances of winning are only one in eight. He does not like those odds.”

    But perhaps Putin has a rabbit’s foot, and shamrock in his pocket–– all seven presidential candidates running against him have disappeared. Russian police are searching desperately for them, but have no leads.

    “It’s like they have vanished,” Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator confessed. “It is a true mystery. We hope they are safe.”

    “The President does not take his opposition lightly,” Yermolay said. “He always says politics is very unpredictable–– look at what Mr. Trump did in America. You can never count anyone out! Putin is also worried that Trump may have interfered with our election. If he loses, he will launch an investigation.”

    Putin should learn the election outcome soon, and perhaps he will have reason to celebrate and get a good night’s sleep.

  • Putin Praises Trump’s Performance

    Putin Praises Trump’s Performance

    Russian leader celebrates Donald Trump

    While America watched President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, Russian President Vladimir Putin had already given his view of the United States of America.

    “Your country is so much better under Trump,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “He has proven himself to be a great leader. Very strong. He is truly making America great again,” the blue-eyed kingpin cooed.

    “Trump was very wise to lift sanctions against Russia,” Putin continued. “A very smart move. There is no need to punish us for tampering with your election. That never happened. We believe in freedom of choice. Freedom and free speech are sacred to us. Reports of Russia tampering with American election is fake news. Trump should shut down the press, all of the press. There is no need for any news besides Fox News. Fox and Friends is a great news show! Trump should find the people who recommended Russian sanctions and imprison them. Or, better yet, execute them. They are traitors, and traitors must die.”

    The Russian top dog is upset about the recent release of a list of 114 Russian politicians and 96 “oligarchs” who have flourished monetarily under Putin’s reign. “People have good fortune, they become rich. So what? Whoever released the list should pay the price. They might not feel so bold when their fingers are clipped one at a time, or, a hammer slams their knees, or, sulfuric acid is used as eye drops.”

    Putin says his relationship with Trump is excellent. “We talk all the time. He calls me. I call him. We wait to see who will hang up first,” Putin chuckles. “Neither of us wants to disconnect! President Trump is a wonderful man. America is lucky to have him.”

    Putin dispatched two aides to beat this reporter mercilessly and shove him out a window.

  • God Tells Russia, “Bring It!”

    Putin may get more than he bargained for following his recent rant.
    Putin may get more than he bargained for.

    Unnamed sources close to God report that He is upset at the recent tirade that Russia president Vladimir Putin staged following a meteor landing in his country.

    “The Big Guy resents that creepy bare-chested Rooskie peacocking about being attacked from outer space,” said the heavenly source who wished to remain anonymous for fear of banishments to lakes of fire for eternity. “The commie leader believes in aliens but he doesn’t believe in a Greater Power?! I mean, come on, what’s the Boss supposed to do? The G-Force called a meeting and told everyone to get the word out to Putin to ‘bring it.’ Hey, let’s face it, He can take him and his puny country out at any minute. I’d say God’s a pretty safe bet in this fight.”

    There has been no response from the former Soviet Union.

  • Fritos Pledges To Nuke Iran

    Fritos has a special delivery for enemy states. Best straighten up & flight right!
    The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president.

    “My diplomacy is do as I say or die. Any questions, Ahmadinejad? And China, you’re next. ‘Tear down that wall’–– of I’ll make it and you go up in a mushroom cloud! And listen up, little man in North Korea, I wasn’t afraid of your daddy and I ain’t afraid of you. Get in line toot-sweet or you’ll feel my disappointment as your face melts into your tiny hands. Same to you, Putin. You may have been elected leader, but trust me, you don’t want me stuffing your ballot box. In fact, all you foreigners best suck up quick after I’m sent to the White House!”