America gets a cast of truth tellers to set the record straight!
President Donald J. Trump has had his fill of “fake news.”
In a stunning announcement today, Trump announced his appointment of the hosts of Fox and Friends as “Ministers of Truth”–– a new Cabinet position.
“There are too many liars out there,” the president said, “and that’s bad. Liars are very bad people. Americans need truth tellers to tell them like it is. People we can trust one hundred percent all of the time. Steve, Ainsley, and Brian have always been straight shooters, and I take their word as gospel. And the gospel is a good book. Most people don’t know this, but it’s a very good book. Watching the Fox and Friends crew is the best way to start any day. Their smiles are like sunshine! Their honest reporting is much, much better than reading detailed intelligence reports from the CIA and military experts. Bor-ring!”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders later told the press that the president has empowered his Ministers of Truth with special enforcement powers.
“If Steve, Ainsley, and Brian decide something is fake news and is potentially harmful to the president and his administration, they have the power to imprison, or, in extreme cases, execute the offenders and their families. While this may seem extreme to some people, the president believes law and order is the only way to restore the backbone necessary to make America great again.”
A Washington Post reporter asked if the new appointments would require Congressional approval. Ms. Sanders clapped her hands, and a team of Navy Seals swept down on the reporter and immediately rushed him out of the room as he kicked and screamed.
“Are there any more stupid questions?” the White House Press Secretary asked.
Crickets played their legs.
This reporter from The Lint Screen applauds the president on his excellent leadership and bows to his new Ministers of Truth! Long may you all reign!
The Lint Screen is proud to present the only official transcript of the recent congratulatory call from U.S. President Donald J. Trump to Russia President Vladimir Putin.
This exclusive scoop is presented thanks to a weasely leaker in the West Wing. Thanks, JK, tell Ivy we said, ‘hi!’
(PHONE RINGING)
VP: Здравствуйте
DT: Hello–– Mr. President?
VP: Donald, is that you?
DT: Yes, Mr. President, it’s me.
VP: It is so very good to hear from you––
DT: Mr. President, I want to congratulate you on your victory.
VP: Thank you, Donald.
DT: I read you got, what, 77% of the vote?
VP: Yes. 77, more or less.
DT: I had 94% of the vote, you know–– if they didn’t count the illegals.
VP: Please, Donald, not again…
DT: Crooked Hillary had all her illegals voting for her.
VP: I know, you told me…
DT: So many illegals, snuck in from Mexico. Very bad people. Not fair.
VP: I know, Donald. Crooked Hillary should be locked-up––
DT: “Lock her up, lock her up!” I invented that. Very popular…
VP: Very popular, Donald.
DT: But I showed her. I got the most Electoral College votes ever––
VP: Impressive, Donald.
DT: Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisonsin–– just about all the states. 51, 52.
VP: That’s nice, Donald. You must be proud.
DT: And my Inauguration crowd, it was the biggest in history.
VP: I heard, Donald.
DT: Epic event. Incredible crowd. People as far as I could see.
VP: Right, Donald. Big crowd.
DT: Much larger than Obama’s Inauguration. A hundred times bigger.
VP: Yes, Donald. Obama’s crowd was small.
DT: And everyone is talking about what a great job I’m doing.
VP: Yes, the world is talking about you––
DT: A tremendous job, they all say that.
VP: Tremendous job, Donald.
DT: Naturally, everyone wants to work for me––
VP: So many open positions. I hear people are leaving all the time.
DT: I tell them, “You’re fired!”
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: That’s my catchphrase–– “You’re fired!”
VP: Fired. I’ve heard.
DT: Everyone watched me on The Apprentice.
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: I had incredible ratings. Biggest ratings ever. I made NBC.
VP: Yes, Donald.
DT: My ratings were bigger than The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
VP: Impressive, Donald. Beatles were very popular.
DT: I’m very popular, too, Mr. President.
VP: Yes, Donald, very popular.
DT: But the fake news still attacks me. Liars, in Crooked Hillary camp.
VP: You deserve better, Donald…
DT: Mueller’s working for Crooked Hillary, too. His team’s all liberals.
VP: Is unfair, Donald.
DT: But, no collusion, right, Mr. President?
VP: Yes. No collusion, Donald. Absolutely not.
DT: You would know, right?
VP: Yes, Donald, I would know.
DT: Then, I’ll just fire Mueller and––
VP: Did Don, Junior tell you good news, Donald?
DT: Who?
VP: Don, Junior–– your son. Don, Junior.
DT: Oh, yeah. Him. Right.
VP: You are good to begin breaking ground for Trump Towers Moscow.
DT: That’s great, Mr. President!
VP: Yes, but please, Donald, do not tell anyone. Keep secret.
DT: No? Why not?
VP: We do not wish to appear to be collusion.
DT: Oh, right. No collusion.
VP: Good, Donald. I must go now, I have important meeting. Am late.
DT: Thanks for calling Mr. President.
VP: Um, yes, Donald. Keep up the great work!
DT: I will. Everyone says I’m doing an incredibly tremendous job––
VP: Yes, Donald, I heard. Must go now…
DT: That’s why everyone wants to work for me and––
(CLICK)
(DIAL TONE)
DT: Hello? Mr. President? (SHOUTING) Becky, I think we got cut off!
The resounding victor shows a rare moment of jubilation.
Russia President Vladimir Putin was overjoyed by the recent election results that gave him 77% of the popular vote for a decisive victory to serve his fourth term.
“Strong, invincible leader was absolutely tickled pink,” Nikita Ananyev, head of The Russian Fair And Unbiased Election Committee, told The Lint Screen. “The President confided that he was very uncertain of the election’s outcome and so he is delighted by the results. He said, ‘They like me, they really like me!’”
The seven competitors who were running against President Putin have been missing since last Friday. “We have no leads,” said Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator. “I think all seven may have taken a rocket into outer space. We can find no trace of their whereabouts.”
President Putin issued a press release proclaiming his “enthusiastic gratitude” to the 77% of the population who support him and vowed his determination to “find and seek the support of the 23% who did not vote for me. I will do whatever it takes to persuade these cowardly traitors who vote anonymously in the shadows that I am their leader.”
Mikhail Dragomirov, the president’s campaign manager announced Putin is launching a new initiative under the theme Make Russia Great Again. “Soon we will have hats and shirts with the new slogan emblazoned on them,” Dragomirov said. “And those who do not wear the MRGA items will be dealt with persuasively.”
Russia President Vladimir Putin projects a tough guy image, but apparently, it’s an act.
“The poor guy is worried sick,” Dmitry Yermolay, the editor of The Free Russia Democratic Absolute Truth Teller told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think he’s slept a wink for months. He loves his job and is terrified of losing it.”
Putin, the 65-year-old incumbent, is running for a fourth term as President of Russia against a field of seven contenders. “Putin is quite nervous about his opponents,” Yermolay confided. “He told me it is a very strong group he must beat and that his chances of winning are only one in eight. He does not like those odds.”
But perhaps Putin has a rabbit’s foot, and shamrock in his pocket–– all seven presidential candidates running against him have disappeared. Russian police are searching desperately for them, but have no leads.
“It’s like they have vanished,” Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator confessed. “It is a true mystery. We hope they are safe.”
“The President does not take his opposition lightly,” Yermolay said. “He always says politics is very unpredictable–– look at what Mr. Trump did in America. You can never count anyone out! Putin is also worried that Trump may have interfered with our election. If he loses, he will launch an investigation.”
Putin should learn the election outcome soon, and perhaps he will have reason to celebrate and get a good night’s sleep.
“A fresh new approach” to White House management is promised
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced late Friday that General John F. Kelly is stepping down as White House Chief of Staff and will be replaced by Stephanie Clifford, a woman with a mysterious background.
“The President really likes to shake things up,” Sanders told The Lint Screen. “Like a vampire, he craves fresh blood. While he thought General Kelly did an outstanding job, he felt that it was time for a change. He is confident Ms. Clifford will bring a fresh new approach to the role. President Trump also said that she smells much better than ol’ General mothballs, Brut, and Juicy Fruit. And she absolutely crushes the old soldier boy in the swimsuit competition.”
Little is known about the background of Clifford. A White House source with almost middling security clearance disclosed he had heard she once worked in the film industry. Our investigative reporter conducted exhaustive research into this rumor by sampling craft services tables across Los Angeles asking questions while stuffing his pie hole. He said he found no evidence of JK’s claim.
Perhaps our lazy pencil pusher should have pursued questioning grips or gaffers on deep background. “Woulda coulda shoulda,” our lackluster pudgy reporter said.
Meanwhile, back in Washington…
“The President is very pleased to have Ms. Clifford on his team,” press secretary Sanders said. “He thinks she will help him battle fake news reports like his alleged affair with Stormy Daniels. It’s disgusting what the media is allowed to get away with.”
Sanders took a deep breath, closed her eyes and lifted her iPhone to her ear and listened to a meditation app for ten minutes, then, continued.
“President Trump has taken a spark to Ms. Clifford and says that their chemistry is ‘electric and sexifyingly satisfying’.” The somber press secretary chuckled and continued. “And, he said that Stephanie is a lot easier on the eye than old sad sacks Kelly! Obviously, our glorious leader is an astute observer and every American should bow in his honor. Praise be Donald!”
Sanders dropped to her knees and thrust her arms forward.
Clifford begins her new position on Monday, providing the First Lady is out of town.
N.R.A. top gun feels secure in stating his opinions.
Wayne LaPierre, the executive vice president of the N.R.A., recently stormed into the offices of The Lint Screen and unloaded on the recent brouhaha over gun control. Here are the highlights of what he told our editorial staff as he held us at gunpoint.
“God wanted us all to have guns. Although it’s not mentioned in the Bible, I think both Adam and Eve were packing heat. God wouldn’t send His own creations into Eden without protection! And imagine how good life would be today if Eve had just shot the apple off Adam’s head instead of eating it!”
“The real danger to America is the loony leftists who want gun control and background checks. Just because there are some sissy gun cowards out there, they want to destroy our rights, fun, and freedom. These people should be shot.”
“Sure, the N.R.A. backs pro-gun agenda politicians. What–– you think these spineless puppets could get elected with just energy, healthcare, defense contractor, chamber of commerce, and telecom lobby funds? Get serious!”
“Guns aren’t the problem in America. Americans who want to control guns are the problem. They’re unpatriotic, and probably here illegally.”
“If we want to get serious about stopping school shootings, we’ve got to arm teachers, principals, lunch ladies, hall monitors, janitors, crossing guards, nurses, PTA members, and certain students–– the kids that socialists would label as bullies. We need to take this army of school advocates and train them how to handle weapons. In this country, we waste too much money on books. We should be spending on life insurance in the form of firearms. The only defense from a bad guy with a gun is a team of good guys with higher capacity guns and more munitions. Kids are never going to learn if they don’t feel safe. The N.R.A. thinks more guns will make them feel safe and secure so they can learn. It’s that simple!”
“These high school students in Parkland, Florida talk real brave to politicians and the television cameras, but where was their bravery when their unarmed classmates were being attacked? Their courage was MIA then. Frankly, I think a lot of these kids are actors. They’re Commies working for the Hollywood leftist elites who are always bellyaching about gun control and want us to drink mineral water instead of tap.”
“Guns are not the problem, mental illness is the problem. And mentally ill people have every right to own whatever weaponry they like. The Second Amendment says so.”
“It’s like The Beatles said, ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’– and if it had been up to me, I’d have shot Rocky Raccoon.”
“Guns are critical for hunting. Pistols, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatics–– they’re the only things that keep us safe from the animals. Look, if we’re not heavily armed and protecting ourselves, we could find deer, pheasants, and chipmunks crapping in our living rooms and messing with our TV remotes.”
“If we’re not careful, liberal elites will take over. They’ll start by taking away our guns, then our Bibles. Before you know it, they’ll be forcing us to have orgies with farm animals, eat organic food, and meditate. We must protect ourselves from these dangers.”
“Our forefathers knew that without a heavily armed militia, the redcoats or the federal government would come and take away their rights. So, they gave us the right to bear arms. Back then it was muskets, you’d better believe they’d rather have AR-15s and full metal jackets!”
“The only way they’ll take my gun is to pry it from my cold, dead finger. Please don’t take that literally, it’s an expression.”
“I’m sick of people telling me the number of mass shootings is so much lower in other countries. So what? Are you willing to give up freedom to feel safer? What kind of an asinine idea is that?”
Upon finishing his tirade, LaPierre raised his AR-15 and unloaded a barrage of bullets into the ceiling of The Lint Screen offices. Soon, we discovered our ceiling leaks blood.
