No one can accuse Donald J. Trump of not being a great leader. The president announced today that he is appointing a new cabinet member in a newly created government position–– Secretary of Fun!
White House spokesman Cleve Norburton told The Lint Screen the president was taking action to counter the claims of the fake news about Trump’s low approval ratings.
“The president resents the awful lies written about him,” Norburton said. “In the president’s own polling, he found his approval rating is a full one-hundred percent ecstatic support! People think he’s doing a tremendously incredible job of making America great again. But, because he’s concerned some people might actually believe the fake news, he decided the country needed something to cheer them up–– a Secretary of Fun!”
In the new position, Giggles the Clown will raise the nation’s spirits by providing a “laff riot of calamity, mayhem, and wacky hijinks to beat the band.”
“President Trump is known for being a jovial fellow, fostering good cheer and uniting people wherever he goes,” Norburton said. “And Giggles will be an extension of the fun times the president is bringing all Americans.”
There was no background provided on Giggles the Clown, although Norburton swore: “he’s a real hoot.” The spokesman confided, “If that joker asks you to pull his finger, don’t do it!”
World’s greatest doc gives Prez clean bill o’ mental health
As the hub-bub continues over the erratic behavior exhibited during the Trump presidency, some have called into question the mental fitness of the Commander-in-Chief.
“Anyone who says that is crazy,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen. “We had the world’s greatest doctors, Dr. Harold Bornstein, who happens to also be the President’s personal physician, administer a thorough mental capabilities test. It even had those sexual ink splotchy-things. And the Skipper passed with flying colors.”
Indeed. In the report shared with our editorial staff, the notes of the esteemed physician are glowing.
“President Trump is fitter than a fiddle in every possible way,” Dr. Bronstein wrote. “He is perhaps the greatest physical specimen and mentally superior human being on the planet. He went to excellent schools, got tremendous grades, dated the most beautiful women, lives in wonderful places, and works in the Oval Office. We should all be so crazy!”
The medical report had a picture of a smiling face with LOL! written under it.
The report continued: “Does Donald John Trump have his full mental faculties? Absolutely. Is he out of cuckoo nut-brain? No!!! In my professional opinion, the President is the sanest human ever, without a doubt. And I gave him a lollipop for being such a good boy!”
Last night, at his pep rally in Phoenix, President Trump told supporters, “Don’t believe the fake media. Everything they say is a lie. Everything! I know. It’s all fake, especially The Lint Screen.”
Trump’s complexion changed from orange to red as he continued.
“The Lint Screen has been very unfair to me. Very unfair. Too many people rely on it for their news, well you know what–– they’re dumb. It’s fake. Totally fake news! Believe me!” The crowd erupted in cheers.
“I know some people still think The Lint Screen has quality journalism. That it’s unbiased. Well, they’re wrong! Dead wrong. It’s junk. Trash. If it was printed on paper instead of being online, you wouldn’t even wrap your garbage with it! It’s bad–– very, very bad! Horrible.”
The audience cheered and began a wave as beach balls with swastikas were hit into the air and passed throughout the crowd.
“And that is why The Lint Screen is failing. Failing miserably. Completely tanking. The Lint Screen? Give me a break–– I call it The Loser Screen!”
The crowd stood, applauded wildly and gave high fives as Trump moonwalked across the stage and attempted a split. Secret service agents quickly picked him up and brought him back to the microphone where he continued his pep talk for the next six hours.
McMaster has plans for a pre-emptive nuclear strike on “a clear and present danger to the United States.”“
National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster has proposed a nuclear strike target to President Trump, a White House insider told The Lint Screen today.
The anonymous source said the target is the corporate offices of Breitbart News Network in Los Angeles.
“The General believes this organization is a clear and present danger to the United States,” the source said in hushed tones betraying Starbucks Italian Roast. “And although the Breitbart offices are in a major metro area, McMaster feels strongly that any collateral damage will be well worth the benefit received to the nation at large. McMaster said he is trying to avoid a costly war with a first strike.”
The secretive source leaned in and whispered, “The General is adamant the target be destroyed with extreme prejudice, which is pretty ironic if you think about it.”
Coincidentally, recently fired chief strategist Steve Bannon has returned to the helm of Breitbart.
“What a weird co-inky-dink,” said the insider.
There is no report if Trump is taking the General’s military advice.
The new Chief of Staff listens attentively as the skipper speaks about Charlottesville.
Using a new innovative technology, The Lint Screen has developed a device with the ability to read the minds of mortals.
We hacked the skull of General Kelly, the newly-appointed White House Chief of Staff, as he listened to President Trump’s comments on Charlottesville Tuesday. Here is a brief sampling of his thoughts:
“No… no… don’t say that… no… NO!!!…
Good God, what are you doing???
Please, please, please, for once in your life, shut your pie hole!!!
Do you have any idea what you’re talking about???
Stop, please, stop now, I beg of you…
I blame myself, what kind of an idiot knowingly steps on a land mine? Hell, does a tap dance on a land mine! What was I thinking accepting this position?
Breathe, John. Breathe! Relax. He has to shut up soon…
No. Nope. No such luck. The man is incapable of silence. Unbelievable.
War–– I need a war to fight to take my mind off this insanity.
A good war would be so nice. War is predictable, rational. War makes sense. I wish I was in a nice war instead of here…
WHAT????!!!
No, no, no, what the hell are you doing???!!!!!!” Stop!
The Lint Screen has an exclusive so hot, you may need solar eclipse glasses and oven mitts to read it.
When it was reported last week that glorious leader Donald Trump receives two folders each day chock-full of good news about the great job he’s doing, our journalistic sleuths went to work.
Below are excerpts of the praise for our tremendous commander-in-chief contained within one of these special folders:
THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THAT MORNING’S ‘FOX & FRIENDS” SHOW, ALONG WITH A PICTURE OF HOSTS STEVE DOOCY, BRIAN KILMEADE, AND AINSLEY EARHARDT GIVING THEIR THUMBS UP, SIGNED WITH THE SALUTATION, “KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK, MR. PRESIDENT! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE PROUD TO LIVE IN YOUR COUNTRY!!!”
A LETTER FROM 9-YEAR OLD MATTHEW BUCKSIN OF GASDEN, ALABAMA (WRITTEN IN PENCIL, REPRINTED EXACTLY)–– Dere Prezidant Trump,
I think you are the best prezidant ever!!! Better than Linkon, Washingtun and evryune els.
You are my hero and I am prowd and wuld lik to mete you sum day.
Mak Amerika grat agin!
Sincerlee,
Matt Buckskin
Honore Studant
A SELECTION OF TWEETS:
@deathtoimmigrants
Anyone who doesn’t think Trump will Make America Great Again should be deported–– support our AMAZING PRESIDENT, OR GET THE HELL OUT!!!
@ericthebestson
I sincerely believe Donald J. Trump is the best leader America has ever had and I love him very much. He’s also the greatest businessman and dad ever! I would love to have dinner with him sometime soon. Pleeeeeeeease!!!
@libtardhater
Hey snowflakes… you lost!!! Hillary should be in jail! DJT is in charge, doing an incredible job getting so much done and MAGA!!!
@killthemall
If you talk against Trump, you are unAmerican and should be shot. Free speech! Trump was a TV star, now he’s the star of the world. If he can’t Make America Great Again, nobody can. SUPPORT TRUMP!!!
@whiteasrain
The Donald is going to build that wall and Mexico will pay for it! Bank on it! Trump is a man of his word and if you don’t believe him your (sic) an idiot!!!
@sexyivanka
Donald J. Trump is such a handsome, charismatic, dynamic, energetic, intelligent, and powerful man, America is lucky to have him. Any woman would die to have such an incredible man. MAGA, you babe-magnet you!!!
A PHOTOGRAPH OF A LION KILLING A GAZELLE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I’m a kitten compared to you. President Trump, you are truly the king of the jungle! —-Leo The Lion”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF KIM JONG-UN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I am very afraid of you because you are such a strong leader. Please do not bomb me! –- Kim Jong-Un, The Leader of North Korea”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF A COAL MINER WITH A DIRTY FACE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “Thanks for bringing back more clean coal jobs. You are a man of your word, ALWAYS, and clean coal is the answer to all America’s problems! —-Carl The Coal Miner”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF WARREN BUFFET WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I am angry because I am not as smart and rich as you. You make me very, very jealous! Keep up the fantastic work, Mr. President! –– Warren B., Your #1 Fan”
A PHOTOGRAPH OF SUPERMAN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION: “I wish I was Donald J. Trump. He is the REAL SUPERMAN!”
The rest of the folder included transcripts along with screen captures from the rest of the Fox News schedule of the previous 12-hours.
