The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • ‘The Situation’ Pondering Political Career

    The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.
    The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

    Look out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!

    After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the next president of these United States.

    “Hey, why not?” the charismatic mensa member asked The Lint Screen. “I was THE MAN on the shore that is Jer-say. That show was nothing without me. Nothing! Man, I put the reality in reality TV,” The Situation said, while flexing a mountain of muscle on his arm. “Gun show, baby!” He continued pontificating.

    “And I rocked on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Look, dude, they say you can’t beat heat, right? And I’ve got heat. Heat like the sun. Listen, I’m not saying I could take the Donald down today, that guy’s good, but let me get my campaign rolling and we’ll see who’s got game, you know? He’s like, what–– 104? I can do him better than making America great again, I can make America super duper terrific again! Hey, I’ll put that on some ball caps–– bam! Look out, baby, I got the mojo it takes. When is the next election anyway? March, or something?”

    There was no comment from Trump spokespeople, but there have also been rumors of Snooki contemplating a political career.

  • Thanksgiving Canceled Due To Potential Bloodshed

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    Staring at a decorative platter is as close as most people will get to turkey this Thanksgiving.

    Now that the dust has settled over the 2016 presidential election, it appears a wounded nation will not heal quickly as President Obama has officially canceled the traditional Thanksgiving holiday for all Americans.

    The president’s statement declared: “If a lot of folks are going to be sad and crying in their mashed potatoes, or gloating, finger waving and name calling, then we can’t have nice things like delicious turkey dinners with pumpkin pie and whipped cream.”

    An anonymous White House source told The Lint Screen that the president canceled Thanksgiving over growing concerns for the health of the nation.

    “Most families have members with differing political points of view,” the source said. “Even ordinary Thanksgiving gatherings present the potential for trouble. But after this election, emotional instability is sky high. And with more guns in the country than citizens, well, you have the real potential for a bloodbath of Biblical proportions. The president didn’t have any choice in the matter. It’s sad, but what are you going to do?”

    Lobbyists for liquor manufacturers are livid over Obama’s decision. “He’s trying to kill our business,” said Greg Herpesall, a lobbyist for Diageo. “Families consume ten times as much liquor when they gather with family, now what are they supposed to do? Sit around, sing kumbaya and be sober? Stupid nanny state!”

    But there is a silver lining as result of the Thanksgiving cancelation: Butterball has set up a counseling helpline for those people jonesing for turkey. Rates are $2.99 per minute and $10.99 a minute for turkey calls with no dressing.

  • Nation Grips For Post-Election Depression

    A nation begins to freak-out at prospect of deciding with too-little time.
    A nation begins to freak-out at prospect of deciding with too-little time.

    The citizens of the United States of America are electing a new leader on Tuesday, November 8, and that has many of them fearful.

    “I’m worried about depression,” said Melissa Redburney, “Not an economic one, but the sad boo-hoo-hoo kind.”

    Indeed! The Lint Screen spoke with noted psychologist Dr. Samuel Hummtin. “The problem is Americans are by nature a competitive people, and as such, they enjoy the spirit of good sportsmanship. The idea that citizens only get a 600-700 days election cycle is troubling. That’s a mere two billion dollars in advertising and trillions of dollars in media exposure time! Speaking as a professional, people always crumble and go bonkers when they have to make snap judgments and decisions.”

    Boston native Pete Cookerd is already shaken. “I’ll vote on Tuesday, but honestly, I’m going to have a hard time deciding. Who is Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump? I wish they’d advertise, or the media would focus on them a little. They’re like a couple of strangers to me. I may be in the election booth for hours–– flipping coins, playing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.”

    Of course, the most troubling thing is what happens on November 9. “I already have a booked calendar for people desperate and anxious for a new election cycle to begin,” said Dr. Hummtin as he lit his pipe, stroked his beard, and wagged his finger. “Let’s face it, 2020 will be here before you know it, and people will once again feel they are under-exposed to the candidates.”

  • Millions of Americans Conspire In “Rigged” Election

    Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!
    Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!

    The Lint Screen has learned through an exhaustive journalistic deep dive that millions of Americans are conspiring against presidential candidate Donald J. Trump, just as he suspects.

    “He’s on to us,” said a shadowy figure who wished to remain synonymous.

    The conspiracy is widespread as a majority of American voters have been secretly meeting late at night and agreeing they would not vote for Trump.

    “The joke’s on him,” said one unnamed source who wished to remain autonomous. “He thinks he’s going to win, but he’s not. I know it’s cruel to lead someone to believe something on purpose, and then kick him, but, what can you do–– it’s funny.”

    Trump has said publicly he’s suspected the upcoming election is “rigged” and like most of what he says, he’s spot on. Indeed, the rigging is underway as voters begin casting early ballots and the big fix comes down on November 8.

    “It’s too bad Trump’s such a smart guy and he knows the shenanigans we’re up to,” said one of the conspirators who asked to remain Anthonomus. “It’s going to break his heart, but it’s going to be a blast watching him pout and get angry.”

    For the record, The Lint Screen has never been awarded a Pulitzer Prize and we know that the whole damn thing is rigged because everyone knows we deserve one!

  • Billy Bush Gets New Show

    The smiling host of BB's Locker Room
    The smiling host of ‘BB’s Locker Room Talk Show’

    Following his suspension from NBC’s Today Show, Billy Bush, the disgraced celebrity suck-up, has announced he will be hosting a new show called BB’s Locker Room Talk.

    “It’s going to be huge,” Bobby Lewiscrafton, the show’s producer told The Lint Screen. He lit a fourteen-cent cigar and waxed poetic.

    “Billy knows how to get the best out of people. His natural curiosity and deep, probing intellect will make for a compelling hour of weekday television. And I’m happy to say this will be the first mobile talk show in history. The concept is a bus designed with locker room decor. Billy and his guests will roll across the America wearing nothing but towels as they chew the fat and talk game plans for making moves and love strategies and what-have-yous. It going to be a blast. This show will have something for everyone! Our first guests are Gloria Steinem and Bill Cosby.”

    Billy Bush’s Locker Room Talk is sponsored by Tic Tac candies. Check local listings for showtimes.

    Set design for Bill Bush's bus chat show.
    Set design for Billy Bush’s bus chat show.

  • Candidates To Wear Electric Debate Collars

    Civility will be assured with new candidate electric shock collar.
    Civility will be assured with electric shock collars.

    After numerous complaints of poor behavior during this campaign season, the League of Women Voters has decided that presidential candidates must wear electric shock collars in future debates.

    “We’ve seen Hillary and Donald square off, and it was ugly,” said Emily Tortsover, the head of the debate organizing committee told The Lint Screen. “And last night, we witnessed the Tim and Mike show. It was an awful affair and their behavior was completely unacceptable. We’ve tried rewarding candidates with treats for good behavior, but that doesn’t seem to work. Something had to be done, and electric collars are the natural solution.”

    For Sunday’s presidential debate, Ms. Clinton and Mr. Trump will be outfitted with heavy duty electric neck collars. “We can issue up to 50,000 watts if anyone gets too out of hand,” said Ms. Tortsover. “We hope we won’t have to go to that extreme, but we have a bank of generators just in case. We really don’t want to tax the power grid if things get ugly again.”