The best and brightest, the hangers-ons, and the squeak-on-bys are being sent forth unto this world to make their marks. I recently gave the commencement address to the graduating class of Eternal Optimists University. Here is the transcript of my inspirational talk.
Today it is my honor to address this graduating class. I look out and see the expectant, eager faces of tomorrow’s progress. The generation who will leave their marks on the world, like a coyote marking his territory with urine.
And I feel pride. Pride in your ignorance of the great Mayan calendar predicting our end of days later this year.
Word to the wise, pass on buying a 2013 day planner. And don’t join any organization ending with the words “… of the month club.”
But do not be sad, grads. You should be happy. Happy that because the world is ending, you will not have to pay back your student loans– which average $24,000 for a typical graduate.
You should also feel joy. Joy that there is no need to sweat over an impossibly improbable job hunt. The employment outlook is bleak. Chances are, you would find bupkis and head into grad school for protection– only to amass more student debt.
Speaking of debt, be glad that you also won’t have to foot the bill for our nation’s debt, which of of today amounts to 50,253.21 for each and every one of you.
You also won’t have to pay off your credit card debt, which is well over $1,000 for the average American. And I suspect many of you are well above average.
Look, I don’t mean to be a buzz kill here, because I think the message is pretty clear– since we’re going out anyway, let’s go out with a bang. Let’s make the Class of 2012 a class to remember, even if our memories will be short lived thanks to our evil Mayan overlords.
So my suggestion to you, dear graduates, is live it up with what precious little life you have left.
Charge those credit cards to the max. Live with reckless abandon. Upgrade to an unlimited Netflix account.
Make your last days count. Get out of those silly robes and square hats. Put on some cargo shorts, tank tops and flip flops. Take a road trip. Enjoy your short lives to their fullest.
And if, by chance, the Mayans were wrong, well, best of luck. Thank you.
Um, who do I talk with to get my parking validated?
6 responses to “Commencement Address 2012”
I would have added these words, which I actually heard at the high school graduation in Greenwich CT a number of years ago…
“If you were a class officer, please stand up. If you were a National Honor Society winner, please stand up. If you were an officer of one of our schools many clubs and service organizations, please stand up. If you played in the school band, or performed in the school’s dramatic presentation, please stand up, If you took advanced placement classes earning you college credits even before you graduate from high school, please stand up. If you were a varsity athlete, please stand up.”
At the end of her little speech, the headmistress paused ever so slightly, pointed victoriously to the students who were standing and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the leaders of tomorrow!” As if the remaining members of the class were prematurely being cast aside, doomed to lives where would reside in the humdrum of the middle class, simply because their young brains hadn’t quite awakened during their four years of high school. Give the kids a chance, I thought. Engage them. Make them see the light and grow.
My daughter was one of the students who was standing. Yet it was a time for me to protest an ignorant headmaster so I started shouting. I wish I had created an incident that would have made it to the front page of the daily newspaper. Not many odious acts happen in Greenwich, especially one as important as this one.
Damn, Curvin, that is one cruel commencement. “Stand all who actively participated and tested well, now then, let’s look at the losers sitting…”
It would be interesting to follow the paths of those who were seated. Perhaps they somehow managed to make something of themselves despite having a stellar high school career.
Thanks.
All of those who want to tell the headmistress where to shove it, stand up and give a big cheer, you are done with her!
Amen, Sandy, anyone with the title “headmistress” should be suspect to begin with.
Another piece of advice for the grads: Appreciate the value of free room and board. Be just nice enough to your parents so they won’t throw you out.
Excellent advice, Bill. If one’s employment track does not shake off enough dough for a place all your own, be kind and considerate to those who grant you a slice of their kingdom.
And when you do get more money, fly the coop. It’s best for all involved.