Since 1974, one brave soldier has given his all, but now G.I. Joe with Kung-Fu Grip has decided to trade in his camo for sweats and a “World’s Greatest Grampa” tee-shirt.

“I’ve had a good career,” said a visibly shaken Mr. Joe, “but most Americans didn’t even I know I was still fighting. I was proud to be of service to kids who needed an ally battling evil dinosaurs or bratty siblings who need a good smack in the head by a plastic hero. I did my part, and accomplished many missions. But I just can’t do it any more.” The old soldier broke into tears as his physician, Dr. Phillip Osterbunn stepped forward and spoke to The Lint Screen.

“G.I. Joe gave his all, and his body took the brunt of the incredible punishment. His Kung-Fu grip now is afflicted with carpal tunnel syndrome. He has E.D.–– please, don’t ask me how that’s possible. He also has an enlarged prostate, arthritis, cravings to watch national news and talk back to the TV, memory loss, an insatiable hunger for hard candies–– all the symptoms of old age,” the physician said as his eyes welled with tears and his voice cracked. “But the deciding factor was last week when he told me that he’d fallen and could not get back up. I’m afraid it’s time to give up your service when your body can no longer be of service.”

We’ll miss you, brave soldier! Thanks for keeping our toy boxes safe.