The USA’s #1 fee-chaser talks bud

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III sat down with The Lint Screen to discuss his recent decision to allow federal prosecutors to impose a stricter enforcement of marijuana laws in states where cannabis has been legalized.

“I don’t mean to harsh anyone’s buzz,” said the 71-year-old lawmeister. “I mean, I’m chill, dig? But I think it’s high time––” the diminutive man began giggling. “Dude, I said ‘high’ talking about maryjane-wanna. Cripes, gee, I’m killing myself here!” He began chortling uncontrollably.

While the pixie collected himself, this reporter did some lawn work, took a warm bath, then watched The Godfather trilogy. Upon returning, Sessions finally regained his elf-like composure.

“What I meant to say was wacky tobaccy is a gateway drug. And that gateway is the gate to enter hell! And believe you me, down there, ol’ Satan can torch your spliff lickety-split!”

The country’s top ambulance-chaser ripped open a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and totally annihilated it. He burped a yellow stink fog and continued.

“Herb be bad, man. Word. I’ve heard tell of dudes so crunked, baked outta their noggins, they woke up with dry blood on their hands and a bunch of dead prosties on the floor. They had no memory of what went down. How gone is that, man? It blows my mind, bro.”

The torts mouthpiece ripped open a big bag of Dinamita Fiery Habanero Doritos and began cramming fistfuls of them into his gaping yob.

“Doo-doo gonna get real, I’m telling you. Doo-doo gonna get real.”