The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit

    Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit

    The prez gets special help to strengthen his superior noodle

    While Donald Trump may have “a very good brain” but he still needs a little assistance getting ready for his upcoming North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un on June 12.

    The Lint Screen has obtained a copy of the confidential “cheat sheet” for the president as he prepares for tough negotiations with the North Korean leader.

    TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

    (WH STAFF–– DO NOT LEAK, LEAKERS WILL BLEED!)

    • DO NOT call Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man”
    • Yes, “Little Rocket Man” is a brilliant nickname
    • Kim Jong Un is Asian, do not be alarmed
    • North Korea is different from South Korea–– like North Dakota, and South Dakota are different places
    • South Korea GOOD, North Korea BAD!
    • There is NO East Korea or West Korea
    • No, we do not know why that is. It just is.
    • Do not believe Kim Jong Un if he says he is a big fan of THE APPRENTICE
    • N. Korea is a communist state, communists are supposed to be our enemies
    • N. Korea has nuclear bombs; we do NOT want them to have nuclear bombs
    • Nuclear bombs are bad in enemy hands–– they go BOOM!
    • DO NOT offer to give Kim Jong Un our nuclear bombs
    • DO NOT negotiate for shiny buttons or magic beans
    • DO NOT negotiate for Diet Cokes or juicy burgers
    • Do NOT negotiate to put a Trump property in N. Korea (maybe next trip)
    • YOUR GOAL is to get agreement for complete “denuclearization” by N. Korea–– we’ll explain what “denuclearization” means later
    • Yes, “denuclearization” is a funny word
    • Do NOT mention “Libya” or “Libyan solution”… PLEASE!
    • NO Tweeting at the negotiating table
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s hairstyle
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s height
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s poor English
    • Do NOT have prostitutes urinate on the bed. There could be cameras.
    • Try not to brag about the size of your inauguration crowd
    • You are the BEST negotiator ever, you have made many great deals, the best deals, tremendous deals!!!
    • ACT PRESIDENTIAL! YOU ARE VERY PRESIDENTIAL
  • Chatty Insider Blabs About SPYGATE And The Evil Witch Hunt

    Chatty Insider Blabs About SPYGATE And The Evil Witch Hunt

    An anonymous source tells all about Deep State plot against the president!

    Watergate had Deep Throat, and now SPYGATE has an even Deeper Throat–– an anonymous insider at the FBI who told The Lint Screen about all the shenanigans afoot by the evil Deep State dedicated to dethroning Donald J. Trump.

    “I’ve been with the FBI sixteen years,” the ‘Deeper Deep Throat’ said. “The truth is we have always been stooges and stormtroopers for liberals. When Trump became the GOP nominee, beating out the most talented field of competitors in the history of the world, Hillary Clinton summoned a team of senior FBI officials to a secret meeting at her mansion. I walked in the door and witnessed an orgy going on with loud rock and roll music and the smell of reefer cigarettes. There was a crowd of naked liberals lubed-up and doing the most disgusting and immoral things you can imagine. Horrendous acts. Very bad things.” The agent’s eyes fill with tears as he collects himself and speaks.

    “I saw Nancy Pelosi skinning infants and making a coat for herself. Bill Clinton was showing home movies of Hillary killing Vince Foster. Clinton bragged about how his wife sold all the U.S. uranium deposits to our enemies and pocketed the proceeds spending them on sex toys and devil worshipping gear. Hillary held court showing people her missing emails. She was boasting about intentionally orchestrating Benghazi and declared, ‘but they’ll never take Queenie down!’ She began cackling. I couldn’t believe what I saw. James Comey saw the shock on my face and pulled me aside. ‘Listen up, mister innocence, if you see something, say nothing. Nothing! These are our masters, our overlords, and we are their puppets and servants. Never forget that!”

    The Fed exhales deeply and chokes back tears. “I always thought the FBI was independent, but now I was seeing how things really worked. This Clinton party was madness. I saw Bob Mueller wearing a Grateful Dead tee shirt at the top of the stairs. He had six ends of a hookah pipe in his mouth. He toked and smiled as a cloud of thick smoke surrounded him. He gave me a peace sign. Obama was burning an American flag and waving his fake birth certificate. ‘I fooled America, and I’m dismantling democracy!’ he shouted. Then my eyes caught Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing shots of tequila and lines of cocaine off a naked Chippendale dancer’s chest and crotch. I became worried about our country. I love America passionately, and these people seemed determined to destroy it.”

    The agent breaks down sobbing as this reporter awkwardly stares out the window and whistles. Twenty minutes later, the informant continues.

    “Hillary shouted for everyone to listen up. She wanted them to stop their illicit sex acts, wanton drug use, and blatant disrespect for our country. Colin Kaepernick got up off his knee. It was instantly quiet. She demanded the FBI to begin a covert operation against candidate Trump immediately. ‘He is much too smart a businessman and patriot to occupy the Oval Office,’ she said. ‘If Donald J. Trump is elected, he will truly make America great again, and we can’t have that.’ She said that since Trump had such high moral standards and was such a boy scout, the FBI would have to plant evidence to frame him and make him look bad. ‘You guys have your work cut out,’ Hillary said. ‘Trump is as honest and trustworthy as the day is long.’”

    The agent says that he is parched and asks for a club soda over cherry Kool-Aid ice cubes with a slice of Thailand mango and a red paper umbrella with a white buffalo artwork. This reporter whipped up his drink as the agent continues his tale of treason.

    “Mrs. Clinton commanded Comey to re-open the FBI investigation into her missing emails right before the election. She said that would lull Trump into a confident state and make him more vulnerable. Obama said the FBI must tap Trump’s phones and he wants to listen in. They connived to arrange meetings between Russians and members of Trump’s family. The poor Trump people thought the Russians were interested in marketing a Trump Vodka. They also arranged for an operative named Stormy Daniels to try and seduce him. What a joke, right? As if Trump could be disloyal after taking the sacred vows of marriage to Melania. When Trump refused Stormy’s advances, she asked him for $130,000 for college tuition. He paid it because he believes in the power of education. All the things you see fake news reporting today, they were all planned back then at that party. Even Russian oligarchs flooding money inside Trump properties to make it look like money laundering, and him playing nice with Putin because the Russian leader had the infamous pee tape and was blackmailing Trump.”

    The distraught agent shakes his head in disbelief and speaks softly. “This entire SPYGATE caper is the biggest scandal and witch hunt ever. It’s the product of pure evil, an attempt to besmirch the good name of a great man and true patriot. There’s a reason Trump had the largest inauguration crowd ever. He’s the best. As someone who knows intelligence, I’ll tell you this: the only people you should trust are the ones named Trump or Hannity. They are truly the bastions of truth and justice. I’ll say no more.”

    With that, the agent stopped his infernal blabbering about SPYGATE and spent forty-five minutes trying to sell this reporter a commemorative Trump Nobel Peace Prize medallion “on the cheap.”

  • Mueller Admits His Investigation Is A Liberal Pot-Fueled Witch Hunt

    Mueller Admits His Investigation Is A Liberal Pot-Fueled Witch Hunt

    Big Fed swears his witch hunt is fueled by Hillary’s ganja

    G-Man Robert “Big Bobbie” Mueller has had over a year to investigate collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia with bubkes to show (aside from a slew of indictments). Today, The Lint Screen caught up with the towering goon to grill him on his amazing lack of progress.

    “I’ll be honest with you,” Mueller said, as he eyes darted about nervously, his pupils playing a rapid ping-pong game. He cupped his paw to his lie hole and leaned forward. “Our investigation is a total sham. The president is absolutely right, this is the biggest witch hunt in history.”

    Mueller sat back in his beanbag chair and fired-up a blunt of Alien Asshat marijuana whacky-tobacky. He took a long inhale sucking the smoke deep into his pink sponges. He held it in, suppressing a cough and inflating his chipmunk cheeks. Then, he released a fog of mind-altering stink as he spoke.

    “It breaks down like this, bro,” he said, “I’ve always been a flaming liberal, to the left of Karl Marx. I did a stint with the Marines in Nam, just for a cover, and when I got out, I swapped my camos for starched shirts, dark suits, silk neck nooses. The uniform of conformity, dig? Hey, no one would trust me if I let my freak flag fly. My straight act worked because people thought I was some law and order conservative stand-up righteous Republican dude. Pretty cool, right?”

    Muller takes another deep toke, turning the remainder of his blunt into lung candy for his hairbrained goofy thinking.

    “So, I do my thing being big daddy Fed head. Not a bad gig, really. And after the 2016 election, I get a call from crooked Hillary and Nancy Pelosi. They’re drunk on cheap Chardonnay and pissed about losing the election. They ask me to put a fire under daddy Trump–– want me to do a big investigation, waste a lot of people’s time and taxpayer money trying to make him look bad. I say, ‘cool, let’s hunt the witch!’ They give me a couple keys of primo kush and a case Colt 45 forties, and I round up a posse of liberal stoned ass freaks like myself to carry some torches and help in my charade crusade to burn the Trump empire.”

    The tall civil servant begins crying like a little girl who has just seen her pudgy puppy run over by a cement truck.

    “It was a setup, man. Trump didn’t do anything bad. Nothing. He’s a good guy. Great guy. The best. His word is gold, a sacred bond. Trump’s known for his impeccable integrity and trustworthiness. He was a big TV star, you know. Stars don’t lie. They don’t have to have dirty deeds done dirt cheap.” Mueller dries his eyes with his pressed suit jacket sleeves, collects himself and continues.

    “But that didn’t stop us. We’d wake and bake because witch hunting season was open, bromeister, and we were loaded for bear! Do you want to know what we found? The Trump campaign was a bunch of altar boys. Their morality was beyond reproach. Trump’s tight with Putin–– big friggin deal. The Pootster’s a great leader. But as far as what we were investigating, man, there was no collusion, no cover-up, no nothing.” The Feebie shakes his head and chuckles to himself.

    “Now we’re stuck, we got to continue this ridiculous investigation. Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow’s got to have something to rant about, right? Hannity knows the score, he’s the only guy out there being real and 100%. America is lucky to have a great journalist like him.”

    He reaches into his pocket and takes out another fattie. He torches it and it snaps, crackles, and pops its magic evil smoke.

    “The truth is, I kind of feel bad for Donald J. Trump, but, what are you going to do?” He bogarts his Thai stick greedily, and Mueller begins a manic giggling jag. “WTF, right?! Dude’s got to do what a dude’s gotta do. Witch hunt, ho, man!”

  • Kushner’s Exclusive Interview

    Kushner’s Exclusive Interview

    The prez’s son-in-law opens up in a candid tell-all

    Jared Kushner is the man charged with achieving peace in the Middle East, solving America’s opioid crisis, criminal justice reform, U.S. diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, and reinventing our entire government to make it work like a business.

    One would think a man with so much on his plate would have bags under his eyes, but Jared doesn’t. He simply stares his vacant glare. I asked him to brief The Lint Screen readers on his progress addressing the many tasks on his “honey-do” list. Here is the complete transcript:

    J. KUSHNER:

    Eleven hours later, Mr. Kushner left. His shirt still crisp, his stare still vacant, and our optimism still resolute we have the right man for the jobs.

  • Pence Warns Mueller: “Bitch Best Back Off, Or I’ll Cut You”

    Pence Warns Mueller: “Bitch Best Back Off, Or I’ll Cut You”

    “The Hoosier Hothead” talks smack.

    Vice President Mike Pence may appear to be a mild-mannered devoutly Christian man, but don’t push him.

    Pence lashed out today at Special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign and its ties to Russia. “I got some health advice for Mueller–– bitch best back off, or I’ll cut you,” Pence told The Lint Screen.

    Mueller has been investigating Russia ties to the Trump election campaign for a year now, and while many of the president’s advisors have been snagged and are facing criminal charges, there have been no definitive ties to Trump exposed.

    “Big Papa D is clean, man. He’s just a righteous dude working up a sweat trying to make America great again,” Pence declared. “The man ain’t got no stink on him. Mueller thinks he can play him, he best be thinking again. Big Papa D will take him down.”

    Pence said he would do whatever it takes to protect Trump. “He says cap an ass, I’m capping. He says take a bullet, I’m taking. Soldier got to do what a soldier got to do.”

    The vice president and his wife, Karen “Mother” Pence, are known to run a tight crew as enforcers for the president. “Me and my girl got Big Papa D’s back, for sure. Mueller and his boys best remember what Omar said, ‘Come at the king, you best not miss.’ That’s a hundred percent.”

    Pence’s nickname is “The Hoosier Hothead” and he says his reputation is earned. “I ain’t afraid to get crunk with anyone. You tell L’il Bobbie Mueller he best watch his back, cuz this boy will tote an ass-whuppin’ he’ll never forget. Word.”

    Pence took a razor-sharp Gerber Bear Grylls Folding Sheath Knife from his suit jacket, snapped it open and began cleaning his pearly white teeth with its point. He smiled confidently. “And I ain’t playing.”

  • Kanye And Rudy Speak Out

    Kanye And Rudy Speak Out

    Kayne West and Rudy Giuliani recently came by The Lint Screen offices to speak on the record, pound on the editor’s desk and clarify some of the points they say “the fake lamestream media” has gotten wrong. Here is a transcript of what was said:

    RG: I’ve been misquoted and I’m sick and tired of it.
    KW: I feel ya. Same here. Punk press.
    RG: I said the president did NOT use his campaign funds to keep the big yap of Stormy Daniels shut. Candidate Trump paid Michael Cohen out of his checking account for affairs, not his election checkbook. Had he paid for her silence with his election funds, that might be illegal if you’re splitting hairs. But his affair funds are earmarked for legitimate business expenses like silencing porn actresses you’ve accidentally had sex with. Case closed.
    KW: Makes perfect sense. It was a business expense.
    RG: And let’s face it, $130,000 is chump change. I mean, if he was really serious about keeping her quiet, pay some extra money and have her whacked. That’s a more permanent solution. Stiffs don’t talk.
    KW: Right. And look, I NEVER said that slavery was a choice. That’s outrageous, and a complete misquote. I said slavery was something some black people selected as a hobby. These people just liked picking cotton under the crack of the whip and shotguns, with chains and no freedom. It was a thing to do back in the day. Some people were into that. No judgments here, it’s all cool. So slavery was not a choice, it was more like a challenging hobby. Something some folks did to pass the time.
    RG: I get it, K-star.
    KW: Don’t call me that, old man. I’ll take you down!
    RG: Sorry. No disrespect meant. How about ‘Mr. West’–– is that good?
    KW: Sure. Mr. West works.
    RG: I think the media has it out for both of us, Mr. West because we support our great president.
    KW: The media is all haters.
    RG: Except Fox, they’re fair. Hard-hitting journalists like Hannity can be trusted to tell the truth.
    KW: A hundred percent. And Fox and Friends are solid. Great reporters.
    RG: And the fake media better not dare come after Ivanka.
    KW: No way. Bad idea if they do.
    RG: Ivanka’s totally off-limits. The woman’s a sexy saint.
    KW: So fine.
    RG: But Jared? Go on, have at him. Who cares? The guy’s scum. Worst piece of crap ever. Flush him.
    KW: Totally.
    RG: Lock him up! Lock him up!
    KW: Put him in the cell next to Hillary.
    RG: What about her emails? Where’s Comey on that?
    KW: Yeah. He’s a sleazeball and a liar.
    RG: Just don’t touch Ivanka.
    KW: No one touches Ivanka. Ever.
    RG: The president is innocent of all wrongdoing.
    KW: There’s no collusion.
    RG: Absolutely. Russia? What’s Russia?
    KW: Never heard of it.
    RG: Exactly. It’s all a big witch hunt.
    KW: And besides, communism is a choice.
    RG: Right. If there was even such a place as Russia.
    KW: But there isn’t. And no pee tape, either!
    RG: No pee tape. None. Fake news. And remember, everything I say is probably wrong. I’m new to the Trump legal team so if I say something stupid and the president denies it later, take his word, not mine.
    KW: You’re an idiot, and he knows that.
    RG: That right, Kanye, I mean, Mr. West. Donald Trump knows everything, he’s the one making America great again.
    KW: Hey, he had the biggest inauguration ever.
    RG: And he’s best buds with Putin.
    KW: Trump is just like Lincoln but without the beard…
    RG: Beards itch.
    KW: Kim won’t let me grow one. She says they hurt her skin. Too scratchy.
    RG: Have you tried paying her money to keep her quiet?
    KW: What’d you say?
    RG: Nothing, Mr. West. And here’s another thing the fake media got wrong…

    The men continued jabbering for the next six hours. The editor locked the door and went home.