The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Trump’s Legal Team Bolstered

    Trump’s Legal Team Bolstered

    Vega & Winnfield have a reputation for convincing arguments

    There have been many defections from President Donald J. Trump’s legal team, but today White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced two new additions.

    “The president has retained lead representation by the prestigious legal firm of Vega & Winnfield,” Sanders told a crowd of yawning reporters. “Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield are two of the finest, most respected legal minds in the world. The president is confident they have the know-how, toughness, and persuasiveness to present compelling cases and battle the many false and frivolous allegations against him.”

    A White House insider blabbed off the record to The Lint Screen that Trump is paranoid about the flurry of legal suits piling up.

    “Trump thinks it’s all a deep state plot against him for the excellent job he is doing as the leader of the free world,” said Loosy McLooselips. “He believes it’s part of the Obama-Killery plot to smear him because of their intense jealousy of the tremendous work he is doing acting very presidential. He’s also infuriated by ludicrous claims that he’s had affairs outside his marriage. Trump believes in the sanctity of marriage and is a loyal and devoted husband to Melania. He thinks their love for each other is obvious to anyone with eyes.”

    Trump also believes the investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller “is a major witch hunt, a colossal witch hunt. Very unfair.”

    “The president thinks Vega & Winnfield have the expertise to deal with bullies like Mueller and Stormy Daniels.”

    The offices of Vega & Winnfield refused to comment on their appointment to Team Trump. An official statement said “Attorneys Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield are unavailable due to their investigations into Kahuna burgers. A damn tasty burger.”

  • “Ministers of Truth” Appointed by Trump

    “Ministers of Truth” Appointed by Trump

    America gets a cast of truth tellers to set the record straight!

    President Donald J. Trump has had his fill of “fake news.”

    In a stunning announcement today, Trump announced his appointment of the hosts of Fox and Friends as “Ministers of Truth”–– a new Cabinet position.

    “There are too many liars out there,” the president said, “and that’s bad. Liars are very bad people. Americans need truth tellers to tell them like it is. People we can trust one hundred percent all of the time. Steve, Ainsley, and Brian have always been straight shooters, and I take their word as gospel. And the gospel is a good book. Most people don’t know this, but it’s a very good book. Watching the Fox and Friends crew is the best way to start any day. Their smiles are like sunshine! Their honest reporting is much, much better than reading detailed intelligence reports from the CIA and military experts. Bor-ring!”

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders later told the press that the president has empowered his Ministers of Truth with special enforcement powers.

    “If Steve, Ainsley, and Brian decide something is fake news and is potentially harmful to the president and his administration, they have the power to imprison, or, in extreme cases, execute the offenders and their families. While this may seem extreme to some people, the president believes law and order is the only way to restore the backbone necessary to make America great again.”

    A Washington Post reporter asked if the new appointments would require Congressional approval. Ms. Sanders clapped her hands, and a team of Navy Seals swept down on the reporter and immediately rushed him out of the room as he kicked and screamed.

    “Are there any more stupid questions?” the White House Press Secretary asked.

    Crickets played their legs.

    This reporter from The Lint Screen applauds the president on his excellent leadership and bows to his new Ministers of Truth! Long may you all reign!

  • Trump-Putin Phone Call Transcript

    Trump-Putin Phone Call Transcript

    What did they discuss? Guess.

    The Lint Screen is proud to present the only official transcript of the recent congratulatory call from U.S. President Donald J. Trump to Russia President Vladimir Putin.

    This exclusive scoop is presented thanks to a weasely leaker in the West Wing. Thanks, JK, tell Ivy we said, ‘hi!’

    (PHONE RINGING)
    VP: Здравствуйте
    DT: Hello–– Mr. President?
    VP: Donald, is that you?
    DT: Yes, Mr. President, it’s me.
    VP: It is so very good to hear from you––
    DT: Mr. President, I want to congratulate you on your victory.
    VP: Thank you, Donald.
    DT: I read you got, what, 77% of the vote?
    VP: Yes. 77, more or less.
    DT: I had 94% of the vote, you know–– if they didn’t count the illegals.
    VP: Please, Donald, not again…
    DT: Crooked Hillary had all her illegals voting for her.
    VP: I know, you told me…
    DT: So many illegals, snuck in from Mexico. Very bad people. Not fair.
    VP: I know, Donald. Crooked Hillary should be locked-up––
    DT: “Lock her up, lock her up!” I invented that. Very popular…
    VP: Very popular, Donald.
    DT: But I showed her. I got the most Electoral College votes ever––
    VP: Impressive, Donald.
    DT: Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisonsin–– just about all the states. 51, 52.
    VP: That’s nice, Donald. You must be proud.
    DT: And my Inauguration crowd, it was the biggest in history.
    VP: I heard, Donald.
    DT: Epic event. Incredible crowd. People as far as I could see.
    VP: Right, Donald. Big crowd.
    DT: Much larger than Obama’s Inauguration. A hundred times bigger.
    VP: Yes, Donald. Obama’s crowd was small.
    DT: And everyone is talking about what a great job I’m doing.
    VP: Yes, the world is talking about you––
    DT: A tremendous job, they all say that.
    VP: Tremendous job, Donald.
    DT: Naturally, everyone wants to work for me––
    VP: So many open positions. I hear people are leaving all the time.
    DT: I tell them, “You’re fired!”
    VP: Yes, Donald.
    DT: That’s my catchphrase–– “You’re fired!”
    VP: Fired. I’ve heard.
    DT: Everyone watched me on The Apprentice.
    VP: Yes, Donald.
    DT: I had incredible ratings. Biggest ratings ever. I made NBC.
    VP: Yes, Donald.
    DT: My ratings were bigger than The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
    VP: Impressive, Donald. Beatles were very popular.
    DT: I’m very popular, too, Mr. President.
    VP: Yes, Donald, very popular.
    DT: But the fake news still attacks me. Liars, in Crooked Hillary camp.
    VP: You deserve better, Donald…
    DT: Mueller’s working for Crooked Hillary, too. His team’s all liberals.
    VP: Is unfair, Donald.
    DT: But, no collusion, right, Mr. President?
    VP: Yes. No collusion, Donald. Absolutely not.
    DT: You would know, right?
    VP: Yes, Donald, I would know.
    DT: Then, I’ll just fire Mueller and––
    VP: Did Don, Junior tell you good news, Donald?
    DT: Who?
    VP: Don, Junior–– your son. Don, Junior.
    DT: Oh, yeah. Him. Right.
    VP: You are good to begin breaking ground for Trump Towers Moscow.
    DT: That’s great, Mr. President!
    VP: Yes, but please, Donald, do not tell anyone. Keep secret.
    DT: No? Why not?
    VP: We do not wish to appear to be collusion.
    DT: Oh, right. No collusion.
    VP: Good, Donald. I must go now, I have important meeting. Am late.
    DT: Thanks for calling Mr. President.
    VP: Um, yes, Donald. Keep up the great work!
    DT: I will. Everyone says I’m doing an incredibly tremendous job––
    VP: Yes, Donald, I heard. Must go now…
    DT: That’s why everyone wants to work for me and––
    (CLICK)
    (DIAL TONE)
    DT: Hello? Mr. President? (SHOUTING) Becky, I think we got cut off!

    And, scene.

  • Putin “Tickled Pink” At His Victory

    Putin “Tickled Pink” At His Victory

    The resounding victor shows a rare moment of jubilation.

    Russia President Vladimir Putin was overjoyed by the recent election results that gave him 77% of the popular vote for a decisive victory to serve his fourth term.

    “Strong, invincible leader was absolutely tickled pink,” Nikita Ananyev, head of The Russian Fair And Unbiased Election Committee, told The Lint Screen. “The President confided that he was very uncertain of the election’s outcome and so he is delighted by the results. He said, ‘They like me, they really like me!’”

    The seven competitors who were running against President Putin have been missing since last Friday. “We have no leads,” said Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator. “I think all seven may have taken a rocket into outer space. We can find no trace of their whereabouts.”

    President Putin issued a press release proclaiming his “enthusiastic gratitude” to the 77% of the population who support him and vowed his determination to “find and seek the support of the 23% who did not vote for me. I will do whatever it takes to persuade these cowardly traitors who vote anonymously in the shadows that I am their leader.”

    Mikhail Dragomirov, the president’s campaign manager announced Putin is launching a new initiative under the theme Make Russia Great Again. “Soon we will have hats and shirts with the new slogan emblazoned on them,” Dragomirov said. “And those who do not wear the MRGA items will be dealt with persuasively.”

  • Putin “Worried Sick” About Election Results

    Putin “Worried Sick” About Election Results

    “Pootie” is running scared!

    Russia President Vladimir Putin projects a tough guy image, but apparently, it’s an act.

    “The poor guy is worried sick,” Dmitry Yermolay, the editor of The Free Russia Democratic Absolute Truth Teller told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think he’s slept a wink for months. He loves his job and is terrified of losing it.”

    Putin, the 65-year-old incumbent, is running for a fourth term as President of Russia against a field of seven contenders. “Putin is quite nervous about his opponents,” Yermolay confided. “He told me it is a very strong group he must beat and that his chances of winning are only one in eight. He does not like those odds.”

    But perhaps Putin has a rabbit’s foot, and shamrock in his pocket–– all seven presidential candidates running against him have disappeared. Russian police are searching desperately for them, but have no leads.

    “It’s like they have vanished,” Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator confessed. “It is a true mystery. We hope they are safe.”

    “The President does not take his opposition lightly,” Yermolay said. “He always says politics is very unpredictable–– look at what Mr. Trump did in America. You can never count anyone out! Putin is also worried that Trump may have interfered with our election. If he loses, he will launch an investigation.”

    Putin should learn the election outcome soon, and perhaps he will have reason to celebrate and get a good night’s sleep.

  • Stephanie Clifford Named New White House Chief of Staff

    Stephanie Clifford Named New White House Chief of Staff

    “A fresh new approach” to White House management is promised

    White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced late Friday that General John F. Kelly is stepping down as White House Chief of Staff and will be replaced by Stephanie Clifford, a woman with a mysterious background.

    “The President really likes to shake things up,” Sanders told The Lint Screen. “Like a vampire, he craves fresh blood. While he thought General Kelly did an outstanding job, he felt that it was time for a change. He is confident Ms. Clifford will bring a fresh new approach to the role. President Trump also said that she smells much better than ol’ General mothballs, Brut, and Juicy Fruit. And she absolutely crushes the old soldier boy in the swimsuit competition.”

    Little is known about the background of Clifford. A White House source with almost middling security clearance disclosed he had heard she once worked in the film industry. Our investigative reporter conducted exhaustive research into this rumor by sampling craft services tables across Los Angeles asking questions while stuffing his pie hole. He said he found no evidence of JK’s claim.

    Perhaps our lazy pencil pusher should have pursued questioning grips or gaffers on deep background. “Woulda coulda shoulda,” our lackluster pudgy reporter said.

    Meanwhile, back in Washington…

    “The President is very pleased to have Ms. Clifford on his team,” press secretary Sanders said. “He thinks she will help him battle fake news reports like his alleged affair with Stormy Daniels. It’s disgusting what the media is allowed to get away with.”

    Sanders took a deep breath, closed her eyes and lifted her iPhone to her ear and listened to a meditation app for ten minutes, then, continued.

    “President Trump has taken a spark to Ms. Clifford and says that their chemistry is ‘electric and sexifyingly satisfying’.” The somber press secretary chuckled and continued. “And, he said that Stephanie is a lot easier on the eye than old sad sacks Kelly! Obviously, our glorious leader is an astute observer and every American should bow in his honor. Praise be Donald!”

    Sanders dropped to her knees and thrust her arms forward.

    Clifford begins her new position on Monday, providing the First Lady is out of town.