The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Olympics Rebrands As “Survivor: Rio”

    "Who needs medals when it's your life on the line?"
    “Who needs medals when it’s your life on the line?”

    Making lemonade out of its piss poor performance, The International Olympics Committee has decided to officially punt on branding these games as The 2016 Summer Olympics. Instead, it will be known as “2016 Survivor: Rio Edition.”

    “It was just getting ridiculous,” Thomas Bach, President of the IOC told The Lint Screen. “Rio is hopelessly behind in preparations. Everywhere you turn, it’s one catastrophe after another. Filthy polluted water, unfinished facilities, diseases, bacteria, wads of gum on the sidewalks, fires, floaters in pools, leprosy, kidnapping, shootings, Zika skeeters smoking cigarettes and snorting cocaine. I’m telling you, it was ugly–– an impending hellhole of a doom show. We feared for all the athletes coming here, not that we care all that much. I mean, we got our sponsorship money,” the bigwig said flashing a smile of gold capped teeth encrusted with diamonds. He continued.

    “But then, one of our guys got the bright idea we should just make the whole experience a reality show. So, we contacted the Survivor people and they were on board after we milked them for a hefty endorsement fee. Now we’ve got a reality show to rival this ‘Make Me The President!’ show the Democrats and Republicans are airing. Look, these athletes we have are buff, hot, and ready to play for keeps. Who needs medals when it’s your life on the line? Then, there’s the danger for people who are coming to be spectators. What are they going to do when they become the hunted, dodging javelins and what-have-you? Oh, it’s going to be a hell of a show. Commercial time’s selling like crazy.”

    And so, millions and maybe even billions of people are expected to be tuning in to “Survivor: Rio” starting on August 5.

  • Man Talks With Doctor About Viagra–– You Won’t Believe What Happens Next

    Doctor fumes after conversation with patient.
    Doctor fumes after conversation with patient.

    Kirk Limbermoon, a 54-year-old plumber in Witchita, Kansas has seen Vigara commercials over 12,900 times this year, and recently the advertising worked! The avid sports fan relayed his incredible story to The Lint Screen.

    “Those commercials always show a happy couple making goo-goo eyes at each other,” Limbermoon said, “and the announcer says to talk with your doctor about Viagra. So, during my recent physical with Doc Sinderson, I talked to him. ‘Hey doc,’ I said, ‘what do you think about Viagra?’ He looked me dead in the eyes and said he didn’t have any problems whatsoever in that department and his wife was a g-d liar if she said he did. His hands got all trembly and the veins in his forehead were popping up to beat the band. He seemed offended. Then he proceeded to give me my physical, and brother, was that guy ever rough–– thought I was going to end up in the hospital. When I left his office I wondered why the heck those commercials would want me to talk with my doctor about Viagra, because it seems like a bad idea if your doctor is a hothead!”

    Why indeed!

  • Roger Ailes Opens Gigolo Service

    "The Rockin' Roge!" is open for bidness
    “The Rockin’ Roge!” is open for bidness

    You would think an 85-year old man who just got a golden parachute of $40 million would relax and take it easy, but you’d be wrong!

    Roger Ailes, who recently resigned as the chief executive at Fox News Channel, may have left the news business, but he still knows how to make news. “I categorically deny all the sexual harassment allegations that have been thrown at me over the years,” Ailes told The Lint Screen. “And to prove it, I am opening my own escort service called ‘Rockin’ Roge!’

    Ailes bit the tip off a Cohiba, lit it and blew a thick plume of smoke into this reporter’s face. “Most women find me irresistible. I ooze charm and charisma and I’m rocking a bod that’s like catnip to hungry kittens. I plan to spend the rest of my days giving the ladies what they want–– and I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to pay for it!”

    The large man winked, blew his nose and began a coughing jag that lasted three minutes, fourteen seconds. “Hey ladies,” he said when he caught his breath, “like me on Facebook, but love me in life!”

  • Global Fears Over Kayne-Taylor Feud

    Their battle has deep roots and could explode at any time!
    Their battle has deep roots and could explode at any time!

    The world is on edge as celebrity behemoths Kayne West and Taylor Swift engage in an epic spat for the ages.

    “I’m worried sick,” renowned peace negotiator Dr. Lawrence Passemet of Oxford University told The Lint Screen in his distinct and pleasant British baritone. “This situation is incredibly tense and it could destabilize quickly, throwing world financial markets into a tailspin. I just hope this doesn’t start a nuclear war or something worse–– like more celebrity backstabbing in public.”

    At issue is whether Kayne told Taylor he was including her in his insightful poetry from his blockbuster song “Famous”–– “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that bitch famous.”

    Taylor has vehemently denied she was ever told of the lyric, but last night on the #1 show of Mensa members, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian revealed alleged video showing Kayne calling Taylor for approval. In it, we hear someone who sounds like Taylor say, “It’s kind of like a compliment.”

    BOOM! Can you imagine!

    But today, Taylor is all like “I never said that” and all like “Nuh-huh! You lie!” And the K-Camp is all like “Uh huh, video don’t lie!”

    And, well, you see how this could escalate quickly.

    There is no word if this critical issue will be addressed in either upcoming U.S. political conventions, but somehow presidential candidates will have to address this brouhaha.

  • Outrage Over Pokémon Go

    Pokémon characters are taking over the world, one group of outraged citizens is taking action
    Pokémon characters are taking over the world, but one group of concerned citizens is taking action

    Although the game is just a week old, Pokemon Go is attracting rage worldwide.

    First, it was numbskulls playing the augmented reality game at places honoring those who perished in awful realities–– Auschwitz, Arlington National Cemetery, and the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, but now a new group has taken offense, the anti-immigration crowd.

    “There ain’t no sugar-coating it,” Rodney Smallchiks, head of Americans Agin Outsiders, a protest group formed in Springfield, Missouri told The Lint Screen. “These Pokémon freaks are running all over Merica, and until we build a big enough wall around our borders, we are doomed. Tell the truth, I’m not so sure even hundred-foot electric walls with jagged barbed wire and a moat filled with great white sharks, piranha, and electric eels can keep them out.”

    Smallchiks leads a group of 830 people who have banded together against the popular game, and he says his angry mob is growing. “I’m hearing from folks all over the country that they don’t want these little creepy characters running around and causing a commotion. It’s just a matter of time until they get themselves some Social Security, take all our jobs, and live cushy welfare lives. It won’t stand, not as long as we’re drawing breaths. Our crew has been scouring the country trying to catch the buggers fast as we can, but damn if they don’t keep coming!”

    Curiously, no major politician has come out with a plan to curb the infestation of Pokémon characters in America. “I suspect these Pokémon got themselves some deep pockets and have a strong lobby in Washington. But my people aren’t voting for any candidate until they propose their plan for eradicating Pokémon! Something’s got to be done, and fast!”

    Smallchiks does have some hope for a solution. “Few years back, I formed a posse to deal with the Angry Birds problem. While we didn’t solve it completely, I think we made some progress.”

  • Uh-Oh, Rio–– More Olympics Troubles

    Locusts come from the Bible to Brazil, baby!
    Locusts come from the Bible to Brazil, baby!

    Poor, poor Rio de Janeiro. With the Summer Olympic Games a month away, the host city is experiencing some slight hiccups, like body parts washing up on the volleyball beach, and police and firefighters on strike, and waters containing super duper bacteria that eat antibiotics for a light snack, and skeeters carrying the deadly Zika virus, and Olympic facilities that are far from being completed, and an economy that’s tanking, and a public health crisis, and an infestation of crooked politicians.

    Now, there are some new bumps in the road for the Rio games as the city is experiencing what Olympic organizers are calling “some unusual acts of God.” These include:
    * Showers of rusty hypodermic needles falling from the skies randomly
    * Geysers of hot bacon grease erupting from city streets
    * Armies of lepers anxious to give relaxing backrubs
    * Panic attacks
    * Locusts, swarms of them everywhere– thick I tells ya, thick
    * Exploding jock straps
    * Packs of pissed-off jaguars looking for revenge
    * Acne breaking out all over the place
    * Rude restaurant waitstaff service
    * A severe shortage of performance enhancing drugs
    * Roving gangs of insurance salespeople aggressively pushing universal policies

    Prospects for these games are so dismal, some members of NBC’s Olympics coverage team are bowing out. All-star Bob Costas has stated he will “hold court from a barstool at O’Malley’s Pub on the lower East Side of Manhattan. I’ll have a headset and a good view of the TV mounted in the corner, so it’ll be just like I’m in Rio.”

    Al Michaels agrees he will be able to provide “exceptional coverage” from his living room. “I’ve got a sweet 65″ curved Samsung, I’ll see all the action and give my unique brand of color commentary, including reviews of my wife’s snack selections. Hope she brings some game to the cocktail weenies.”

    Stay tuned, sports fans!