Poor, poor Rio de Janeiro. With the Summer Olympic Games a month away, the host city is experiencing some slight hiccups, like body parts washing up on the volleyball beach, and police and firefighters on strike, and waters containing super duper bacteria that eat antibiotics for a light snack, and skeeters carrying the deadly Zika virus, and Olympic facilities that are far from being completed, and an economy that’s tanking, and a public health crisis, and an infestation of crooked politicians.

Now, there are some new bumps in the road for the Rio games as the city is experiencing what Olympic organizers are calling “some unusual acts of God.” These include:
* Showers of rusty hypodermic needles falling from the skies randomly
* Geysers of hot bacon grease erupting from city streets
* Armies of lepers anxious to give relaxing backrubs
* Panic attacks
* Locusts, swarms of them everywhere– thick I tells ya, thick
* Exploding jock straps
* Packs of pissed-off jaguars looking for revenge
* Acne breaking out all over the place
* Rude restaurant waitstaff service
* A severe shortage of performance enhancing drugs
* Roving gangs of insurance salespeople aggressively pushing universal policies

Prospects for these games are so dismal, some members of NBC’s Olympics coverage team are bowing out. All-star Bob Costas has stated he will “hold court from a barstool at O’Malley’s Pub on the lower East Side of Manhattan. I’ll have a headset and a good view of the TV mounted in the corner, so it’ll be just like I’m in Rio.”

Al Michaels agrees he will be able to provide “exceptional coverage” from his living room. “I’ve got a sweet 65″ curved Samsung, I’ll see all the action and give my unique brand of color commentary, including reviews of my wife’s snack selections. Hope she brings some game to the cocktail weenies.”

Stay tuned, sports fans!