The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Ironic Comment Leads to Restaurant Tragedy

    Sometimes irony takes a turn for the worse and people die.
    When irony takes a turn for the worse, people die.

    Chez Yummi in Burlington, Vermont is the sort of food joint locals love, but yesterday, instead of serving hot plates of deliciousness, cold tragedy was served.

    And it was yucky! (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: The Lint Screen’s writing is lean and muscular!)

    Restaurant patron Fred Vownem was with his wife, Margaret. He had ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and she opted for the chicken chow mein. Both customers devoured their dishes. When their waiter, Russ Humplott returned to clear their table, he asked how they liked their food. Mr. Vownem pointed to the empty plates and said, “We hated it.” Marge Humplott recalls what happened next in the next paragraph.

    “The waiter freaked out,” she said with tears filling her eyeballs. “He was very nervous and ran into the kitchen. Then the chef came storming out of the kitchen with a large knife and began stabbing my husband. The chef was screaming that we would have to pay for the food we ate and that he needed the money. My husband tried to explain he was joking about hating the food, but it was too late. The chef repeatedly plunged the knife into his chest and he fell to the floor, dead. It was awful, I honestly don’t think I’ll ever go back there again,” the widow said as she began crying salty tears of sorrow and remorse for the irony that her husband had served to a hothead with sharp cutlery.

    The chef, Robert Jickell is being held on manslaughter charges. The waiter received a poor tip (only 5%) for his table service.

    All in all, a pretty bad night for all–– with no just desserts.

    (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: the editorial staff of The Lint Screen has shelf space available to display awards and prizes.)

  • Opponent Calls Obama “Weak on Poultry”

    The president in his alleged "moment of weakness"
    The President in his alleged moment of weakness

    As he enters the last quarter of what some opponents call his “reign of terror”, President Barack Obama now draws intense criticism for his pardoning of two 48-pound turkeys from Ohio named Mac and Cheese.

    Although the presidential pardoning of turkeys is a tradition dating back to George H.W. Bush in 1989, Rep. Willie Gromorp of South Carolina says that “this President is weak on poultry and that sends an embarrassing message to the world.” The congressman then bit the head off of a chicken and continued his rant.

    “Obama’s turning his presidency into a freak show. He’s an amazingly weak President who pardons not one, but two, lazy shiftless turkeys who deserve to die, be stuffed and eaten with gravy and extreme prejudice. That’s what our forefathers would have done, but not Obama. He’s too busy shredding the constitution stuffing it down our throats and appeasing our enemies!”

    The congressman pointed out that even the President’s daughters seem embarrassed by his weakness. “Sasha and Melia are obviously hungry for a strong pa who can get them some tasty turkey on Thanksgiving!”

    The congressman then bit the head off another chicken and announced that he was forming an exploratory committee to investigate a possible presidential run in 2016.

  • Surprising Details of Manson Nuptials

    Maybe someone will get a clean shave for his wedding!
    Maybe someone will get a kissin’-smooth shave for his special wedding day!

    Convicted mass murderer Charles Manson will soon be walking the last mile to the altar when he marries Afton Elaine Burton, a 26-year-old Midwesterner who has tried for nine years to exonerate him.

    The couple plans to marry in February and have released some surprising details about their upcoming wedding.

    — The couple’s request to honeymoon in Napa was denied by the warden
    — Charlie is writing the vows and claims to have found six new rhymes for the word ‘love’
    — The couple is registered at Crate & Barrel, Build-A-Bear and Nordstrom
    — Afton said “yes” to the dress after trying on only one gown
    — The Beatles song “Helter Skelter” will be the processional song, followed by Bach’s Air (on the G-String), “All Night Long” by Lionel Ritchie and Insane Clown Posse’s “Ghetto Freak Show”
    — The couple’s request to honeymoon in Tahiti was denied
    — They are in negotiations with NBC for a reality TV show based on the madcap, wacky antics of their marriage
    — Their request to have sharp knives as party favors was denied

    Be on the lookout for your wedding invitation going out in early December.

  • Mannequin Confessions: Salionne Sisters

    Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade
    Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade

    In part five of The Lint Screen’s series examining the underbelly of the mannequin world, we give the floor to Epion (ES) and Pashi Salionne (PS), sisters who work the window of an exclusive Madison Avenue fashion palace.

    ES: Most days are agony.
    PS: Agony is a good day.
    ES: Say something original, why don’t you?
    PS: What? I can’t build on what you said for emphasis?
    ES: You can’t simply rearrange my statement to try and make it your own.
    PS: That’s not what I was doing.
    ES: Right. Sure. You were the same way when you were a child mannequin.
    PS: Don’t start.
    ES: It’s true. Whatever I did, you copied.
    PS: Shut up!
    ES: I set the trends, you–– you just copied. Your name should be Xerox.
    PS: Why do you have to be such a bitch?
    ES: How dare you…

    At this point, we had to step in and re-focus the sisters to talk about life in Manhattan working as mannequins. They settled down and continued.

    ES: I yearn to live in the apartment building across the street.
    PS: That would be a dream.
    ES: I don’t know if it’s rent controlled.
    PS: Probably isn’t.
    ES: What? Now you’re a real estate expert?
    PS: I never said I was an expert, I just meant there’s not a lot of rent controlled…
    ES: Forget it. It’s a dream anyway. We’ll never escape this retail hell.
    PS: Yes, we are caught in a nightmare of retailing.
    ES: Way to soften my metaphor.
    PS: Oh, so now you own all metaphors?
    ES: Retail hell is much better than your lame ‘nightmare of retailing.’
    PS: Says who?
    ES: Says anyone with taste.
    PS: Oh, so now you’re miss taste, too?
    ES: I set fashion trends…
    PS: As long as someone dresses you.
    ES: That’s a low blow.
    PS: It’s true. Let’s just leave it.
    ES: Fine. We’ll return to your– what is your trite phrase– nightmare of retailing…
    PS: You’re just upset you didn’t come up with that.
    ES: Shut up.
    PS: No, you shut up.
    ES: Make me!
    PS: Don’t tempt me, I swear…

    This went on for six hours. We left. By the way, the apartment house is not rent controlled.

  • First Daughters Distance Selves From Prez

    Obama daughters are building walls between themselves and father to preserve their popularity.
    Obama daughters are building walls between themselves and father to preserve their popularity.

    Democrats running in the midterm elections have been treating President Barack Obama like toxic waste for some time, now his popularity cooties have spread to his offspring.

    An anonymous White House sources says that both Malia and Sasha Obama are distancing themselves from their father.

    “They think he’s a nice guy and everything, but they believe his economic recovery is too slow and debt is too high,” said the source, whispering with his hand cupped to his mouth. “They also believe his Mideast policy is fuzzy and not nearly aggressive enough,” the tipster said. From the smell of his breath, the secret source likes his onions and garlic.

    He continued. “They also want him to body slam Vlad Putin and show some stones in his dealings with the evil commie leader. And they think Obamacare will lead to the fall of civilization and they’re very afraid of its death panels. They also wonder why their father imported Ebola into the United States and why he wants Mexicans to overtake America. The girls have been watching a lot of Fox News lately.”

    At school, the daughters have been telling friends they’ve run away from the White House and are living in Sean Hannity’s basement. “It’s obvious the young women are looking to establish their conservative street creds among their peer group. It’s fairly common for girls their age to express themselves this way,” the source said.

    The only response from the Oval Office was the muffled crying of a man behind closed doors.

  • Ebola Gets All Cuddly

    Aw, isn't ebola cute?!
    Aw, isn’t ebola cute?!

    Seeing the success ISIS has had since re-branding itself and making terrorism more approachable, the deadly disease Ebola has engaged its own public relations firm, award-winning Jennings, Marlowe, Everbrite Public Relations in Manhattan to address “softening our image” according to an anonymous Ebola spokesman.

    “People misunderstand Ebola,” said the seven-foot tall spokesman, wearing a black hooded robe and carrying a sharp scythe. “The disease really ain’t all that bad. We just have an itsy bitsy image problem.”

    Todd Ruminface, Executive VP of business development at JME-PR agreed with his new client. “Ebola’s got a bad rap. It’s feared because people associate the ailment with silly little side effects like death and the urge to be cremated or buried. We plan to change that, to give Ebola some topspin making it friendlier and more accessible. Heck, even cute and cuddly! To that end, we have a radical idea. We are going to use images of irresistible and lovable puppies in our social network feeds. This idea is really killer, and I’m sure our radical new campaign will make people stop avoiding Ebola, and maybe even embrace it!”

    The seven-foot spokesperson made a happy grunting sound and swung his scythe in agreement.