The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • The Missing McConaughey Super Bowl Scripts

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    This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

    “Cake”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

    MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
    All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
    But then…
    someone left the cake out in the rain.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

    I don’t think I can take it
    ’cause it took so long to bake it
    And I’ll never have that recipe again…

    MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
    —————————————————

    “Who Am I?”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

    MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

    They’re big questions.
    We all search for identity.

    MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

    I could use more lumbar support.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

    That’s much better.

    CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

    SUPER LOGO

    ———————————————–

    “What’s Ahead”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

    MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
    Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
    How do magicians do their tricks?

    (SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

    What the heck was that?
    I could use a latte.

    MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

    That’s nice.
    What is life? What’s ahead?

    SUPER LOGO

  • Dude Lies To Friend, Sorrow Ensues

    Man told truth; he does not take it very well.
    Man told truth and does not take it very well.

    Teddie Scondpitt and Don Burmmon have known each other for over sixteen years, yet, in a surprising move, Teddie lied to his best friend yesterday The Lint Screen has learned.

    Don has been recording some original songs on his MacBook Pro’s Garage Band, and yesterday he played a few compositions for his friend. “I told him the songs were cool,” confessed a distraught Teddie, “but I was lying. The music was like the soundtrack you might hear driving into Sucktown where everything sucks. The stuff was awful, heinous on parade. The worst ever. My ears were choking back vomit.”

    “Teddie said that–– really?” Don asked this reporter when told his pal’s quotes. Don had no idea he’d been lied to by his alleged friend. “I thought the dude was totally into it. He was bobbing his head and smacking his thigh. Dude acted like he was digging it with two shovels. But now I hear he was faking it, feeding me a line of B.S. Well, that’s not cool,” Teddie said as he lowered his head and began sobbing. “That’s not cool at all.”

    It appears honesty has ruined another healthy relationship.

  • Garfield Not to Publish Mohammed Comics

    The edited Garfield-Mohammed comic strip
    A sample censored Garfield-Mohammed comic strip

    The world’s most popular cartoon cat, Garfield, will not feature the prophet Mohammed in upcoming comic strips as planned following the tragic slaying of twelve people by religious zealot kooks who can’t take a joke.

    “After what happened in the Paris offices of satirical magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’, we just didn’t think it was a good idea,” said an anonymous source close to the popular cartoon feline.

    Insiders report that there was an upcoming series of comic strips detailing the adventures of Mohammed and Garfield.

    “It was going to be some pretty biting satire,” said a source close to the colorful cat. “You know, like finding the perfect lasagna recipe while trying to maintain a sensible deity diet. Or Ordie wanting to snuggle with the M-man, and it drives him bonkers. Just some wacky hijinks. We were looking forward to showing a different, edgier side of Garfield, but after what’s happened, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

    Truth. FYI: If you are an upset terrorist, the offices of The Lint Screen are closed.

  • Man Makes New Year’s Resolutions

    Greg Stewernapp vows 2015 is going to be a year a change!
    Greg Stewernapp vows 2015 is going to be a year of change!

    With 2014 winding down, many people are making resolutions or “silly promises made to selves” for change. And one of those resolute resolutionarians is Greg Stewernapp (pictured above as he was interviewed).

    “The new year is going to be a new leaf for me,” he said. “I swear, this year I’m going to jog a lot more and watch my doggone diet. I’m also going to learn me a second language and it talk it real good. And, I think I’m going to watch less TV and read more books. Thick books, the kind that don’t even have pictures or drawings or nothing but words. There was something else I was going to change, something I was going to do to make life better, but I can’t think of it right now. Anyway, 2015 is going to be my year for big changes, I swear!”

    Good luck, Mr. Stewernapp, we wish you well! Happy new year!!!

  • Ironic Comment Leads to Restaurant Tragedy

    Sometimes irony takes a turn for the worse and people die.
    When irony takes a turn for the worse, people die.

    Chez Yummi in Burlington, Vermont is the sort of food joint locals love, but yesterday, instead of serving hot plates of deliciousness, cold tragedy was served.

    And it was yucky! (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: The Lint Screen’s writing is lean and muscular!)

    Restaurant patron Fred Vownem was with his wife, Margaret. He had ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and she opted for the chicken chow mein. Both customers devoured their dishes. When their waiter, Russ Humplott returned to clear their table, he asked how they liked their food. Mr. Vownem pointed to the empty plates and said, “We hated it.” Marge Humplott recalls what happened next in the next paragraph.

    “The waiter freaked out,” she said with tears filling her eyeballs. “He was very nervous and ran into the kitchen. Then the chef came storming out of the kitchen with a large knife and began stabbing my husband. The chef was screaming that we would have to pay for the food we ate and that he needed the money. My husband tried to explain he was joking about hating the food, but it was too late. The chef repeatedly plunged the knife into his chest and he fell to the floor, dead. It was awful, I honestly don’t think I’ll ever go back there again,” the widow said as she began crying salty tears of sorrow and remorse for the irony that her husband had served to a hothead with sharp cutlery.

    The chef, Robert Jickell is being held on manslaughter charges. The waiter received a poor tip (only 5%) for his table service.

    All in all, a pretty bad night for all–– with no just desserts.

    (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: the editorial staff of The Lint Screen has shelf space available to display awards and prizes.)

  • Opponent Calls Obama “Weak on Poultry”

    The president in his alleged "moment of weakness"
    The President in his alleged moment of weakness

    As he enters the last quarter of what some opponents call his “reign of terror”, President Barack Obama now draws intense criticism for his pardoning of two 48-pound turkeys from Ohio named Mac and Cheese.

    Although the presidential pardoning of turkeys is a tradition dating back to George H.W. Bush in 1989, Rep. Willie Gromorp of South Carolina says that “this President is weak on poultry and that sends an embarrassing message to the world.” The congressman then bit the head off of a chicken and continued his rant.

    “Obama’s turning his presidency into a freak show. He’s an amazingly weak President who pardons not one, but two, lazy shiftless turkeys who deserve to die, be stuffed and eaten with gravy and extreme prejudice. That’s what our forefathers would have done, but not Obama. He’s too busy shredding the constitution stuffing it down our throats and appeasing our enemies!”

    The congressman pointed out that even the President’s daughters seem embarrassed by his weakness. “Sasha and Melia are obviously hungry for a strong pa who can get them some tasty turkey on Thanksgiving!”

    The congressman then bit the head off another chicken and announced that he was forming an exploratory committee to investigate a possible presidential run in 2016.