The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Bill Proposed To Arm Prisoners

    A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.
    A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.

    Alabama Congressman Hank Tippsmon has introduced “The Behind Bars Protection Act”, a bill designed to curtail violence among the over 2.5 million people incarcerated in America.

    The revolutionary law is simple in its execution–– every prisoner would be issued a firearm and ammunition for self protection purposes.

    “Crime is a real problem in America,” explained Rep. Tippsmon, “that’s true on the streets and especially true in our prisons. These places are filled with nasty people. With my new law, we’d empower the folks most in danger in modern society, those people who live every blessed day among the criminal element–– the prisoners themselves. Armed prisoners could finally stand their ground and protect their Constitutional right to bear arms. I honestly cannot think of a downside to this law, and frankly am shocked no one’s thought of it before. I pray that my fellow members of Congress and everyone in Washington does the right thing and makes this law happen. The idea is bulletproof.”

    There has been no word yet from other members of Congress or The White House, but there is widespread support among the prison population.

  • Anguished Woman Lied To Her 893 FB Friends

    Tears of regret and remorse beg for mercy and forgiveness.
    Tears of regret and bitter remorse from Pam Dockwinker beg for mercy and forgiveness.

    Pam Dockwinker is being shunned by humanity following her confession that she recently issued a “Like” on Facebook when it wasn’t true. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” the distraught 22-year old resident of Madison, Wisconsin said. “I have got to be like the worst human being ever.”

    Yesterday Ms. Dockwinker saw a picture posted by her friend Mandy Stewbimb of a cute black kitten playing with a tennis ball. “I saw that the picture had 126 ‘Likes’,” admitted Ms. Dockwinker, “so I joined the crowd and went ahead and hit the ‘Like’ button.”

    But in fact, Ms. Dockwinker did not like the photo. “I’m really afraid of cats,” she told The Lint Screen. “I’m very allergic to all cats, even kittens, and the picture, while very cute, kind of creeped me out.”

    In the interest of maintaining the integrity of Facebook, The Lint Screen pressured Ms. Dockwinker to confess her lie, which she did in an FB post. Now she awaits the judgment of her 893 Facebook friends.

    “I hope I can survive this,” Ms. Dockwinker sobbed. “I honestly couldn’t feel worse. I’m so ashamed I am physically sick and really totally mental about my deception. And I sincerely hope I don’t lose any of my 893 close Facebook friends because of my dishonesty.”

    Time will tell who is a friend of Pam Dockwinker and who actually “likes” a dirty rotten liar!

  • The Missing McConaughey Super Bowl Scripts

    images-1

    This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

    “Cake”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

    MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
    All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
    But then…
    someone left the cake out in the rain.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

    I don’t think I can take it
    ’cause it took so long to bake it
    And I’ll never have that recipe again…

    MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
    —————————————————

    “Who Am I?”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

    MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

    They’re big questions.
    We all search for identity.

    MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

    I could use more lumbar support.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

    That’s much better.

    CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

    SUPER LOGO

    ———————————————–

    “What’s Ahead”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

    MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
    Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
    How do magicians do their tricks?

    (SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

    What the heck was that?
    I could use a latte.

    MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

    That’s nice.
    What is life? What’s ahead?

    SUPER LOGO

  • Dude Lies To Friend, Sorrow Ensues

    Man told truth; he does not take it very well.
    Man told truth and does not take it very well.

    Teddie Scondpitt and Don Burmmon have known each other for over sixteen years, yet, in a surprising move, Teddie lied to his best friend yesterday The Lint Screen has learned.

    Don has been recording some original songs on his MacBook Pro’s Garage Band, and yesterday he played a few compositions for his friend. “I told him the songs were cool,” confessed a distraught Teddie, “but I was lying. The music was like the soundtrack you might hear driving into Sucktown where everything sucks. The stuff was awful, heinous on parade. The worst ever. My ears were choking back vomit.”

    “Teddie said that–– really?” Don asked this reporter when told his pal’s quotes. Don had no idea he’d been lied to by his alleged friend. “I thought the dude was totally into it. He was bobbing his head and smacking his thigh. Dude acted like he was digging it with two shovels. But now I hear he was faking it, feeding me a line of B.S. Well, that’s not cool,” Teddie said as he lowered his head and began sobbing. “That’s not cool at all.”

    It appears honesty has ruined another healthy relationship.

  • Garfield Not to Publish Mohammed Comics

    The edited Garfield-Mohammed comic strip
    A sample censored Garfield-Mohammed comic strip

    The world’s most popular cartoon cat, Garfield, will not feature the prophet Mohammed in upcoming comic strips as planned following the tragic slaying of twelve people by religious zealot kooks who can’t take a joke.

    “After what happened in the Paris offices of satirical magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’, we just didn’t think it was a good idea,” said an anonymous source close to the popular cartoon feline.

    Insiders report that there was an upcoming series of comic strips detailing the adventures of Mohammed and Garfield.

    “It was going to be some pretty biting satire,” said a source close to the colorful cat. “You know, like finding the perfect lasagna recipe while trying to maintain a sensible deity diet. Or Ordie wanting to snuggle with the M-man, and it drives him bonkers. Just some wacky hijinks. We were looking forward to showing a different, edgier side of Garfield, but after what’s happened, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

    Truth. FYI: If you are an upset terrorist, the offices of The Lint Screen are closed.

  • Man Makes New Year’s Resolutions

    Greg Stewernapp vows 2015 is going to be a year a change!
    Greg Stewernapp vows 2015 is going to be a year of change!

    With 2014 winding down, many people are making resolutions or “silly promises made to selves” for change. And one of those resolute resolutionarians is Greg Stewernapp (pictured above as he was interviewed).

    “The new year is going to be a new leaf for me,” he said. “I swear, this year I’m going to jog a lot more and watch my doggone diet. I’m also going to learn me a second language and it talk it real good. And, I think I’m going to watch less TV and read more books. Thick books, the kind that don’t even have pictures or drawings or nothing but words. There was something else I was going to change, something I was going to do to make life better, but I can’t think of it right now. Anyway, 2015 is going to be my year for big changes, I swear!”

    Good luck, Mr. Stewernapp, we wish you well! Happy new year!!!