The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Boehner Blasts Obama For USA Weakness in World Cup

    Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA soccer loss
    Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA World Cup soccer loss

    U.S. Speaker of the House, John Boehner, thinks President Barack Obama once again let the nation down by allowing its soccer team to be defeated by Belgium 2-1 in The World Cup quarterfinals yesterday. “Obama once again has shown America weakness,” said Boehner in a prepared statement, “and it’s a disgrace.”

    Boehner went on to give Obama some leadership advice. “Obama should dispatch troops to Belgium immediately. It’s a puny country, let’s give them a good lesson. Let’s get two or three aircraft carriers up there, and let’s also swarm them with drones! It’s high time this President took some action and showed the world that America is still number one, regardless of the score of some stupid soccer game,” Boehner said as he stepped away from the microphone, took a deep breath and continued.

    “Yes, I said soccer and not ‘futbal.’ Look, world–– football is spelled with a “foot” and it’s what real Americans play. Tough Americans. The kind of Americans that Barack Obama is not! Football, real football, is oblong, not circley, and made of pigskin. And you can use your hands and your feet to play it, the way God and our forefathers intended. I’m not even sure what this soccer thing is. Frankly, I think we should sue The World Cup for trying to co-op our American invention of football and misspelling it ‘futbal’ to avoid lawsuits. I’m ready to dispatch my team of flying lawyers to Brazil. I’m serious!”

    Boehner wept.

  • Monsanto Develops New ‘Seeds of Democracy’

    The seeds of democracy may soon be spread in Iraq!
    The seeds of democracy may soon be spread in Iraq!

    With crisis raging through Iraq after over a decade of military intervention, a trillion dollars spent and the loss of priceless American lives, it appears “the seeds of democracy” have not taken root. But that’s about to change.

    Monsanto, the multinational agrochemical and agricultural biotechnology corporation, has announced it has developed “genetically modified seeds of democracy that will flourish in even the harshest of political conditions. Sand, dirt, rock or even harder substances–– like the skulls of religious zealots. It really doesn’t matter, these seeds will grow anywhere!”

    The miracle seeds will be sold to the U.S. Government “For such a deal, maybe two to three hundred bucks less than a trillion dollar war,” said a sales/marketing representative for Monsanto. An attorney quickly jumped in. “And once these seeds are planted, we own wherever democracy grows,” the legal beagle barked. “In fact, we’ll own any damn place that democracy has already taken root. That’s the Monsanto way!”

    Washington in abuzz with political chatter about “the magic seeds of democracy” and is expecting to soon be slathered in a flood of lobbyist funds to “help better inform” their decisions.

    The prospects for government purchase of Monsanto’s new seeds is looking strong.

  • Trolls Blast Lint Screen’s 500th Post

    Critics slam post and obviously need good conditioner
    Critics slam post and obviously need good conditioner

    This is the 500th post captured on The Lint Screen, the world’s premiere website for tom foolery and the occasional dollop of wisdom under a title associated with the name of a laundry-related object. And the reviews of this post are already less than stellar.

    “I thought it’d be a hell of a lot better,” writes opusmango354.
    “It’s suck on a stick,” slammed myworldsbetterthanyours92.
    “Reminds me of the finale of ‘Lost’–– a heaping helping of disappointment,” posted ragamuffinhead3. “And the dude who played Hugo in ‘Lost’ sucked!”

    Still, the editorial staff of The Lint Screen stands by its decision to post its 500th missive. “For almost six years, we’ve been grinding these dispatches out. We’ve learned there’s always going to be haters out there,” said one editor as he dove under his desk dodging a volley of bullets from a car driving by. “We’re going to keep trying to please the people because, well, we’re people pleaser people.”

    “How lame,” commented mesospecial909. “I hope the 501st post is a lot better than this one.”

  • “World’s Greatest Dad” Snaps, Loses Title

    Cup of disappointment leads to loss of prestigious title for Teddy Willspeed
    Cup of disappointment leads to loss of prestigious title for hothead father

    Teddy Willspeed was expecting to enjoy a great Father’s Day with his family yesterday. Instead, “The World’s Greatest Dad” revealed himself to be a Class-A Jerk when his son Brian, age 13, served him a lukewarm cup of coffee with his breakfast.

    “I took a sip of the coffee and told Brian that it was a little cool,” said Papa Willspeed, “and Brian grabbed the mug from me and flung it against the wall. The mug shattered and the coffee made a mess. Then my son exploded at me.

    ‘Really, Dad–– seriously, the coffee’s not hot enough for you?! Unbelievable,’ Brian said. He stormed out of the room, turned around and threw his iPhone at me. I ducked just before it hit me in the head. I guess I did overreact a little,” the senior Willspeed confessed.

    Following ‘the coffee incident’, son Brian called the headquarters of “World’s Greatest Dad” Inc. and had his father’s title revoked.

    “I’m thinking of suing the old man,” an irate Brian told reporters. “I really think I may have some psychological damage from his abuse.”

  • Congressman Disputes Climate Change

    After his press conference, Gurgglemin burst into flames
    During his climate change press conference, Gurgglemin burst into flames

    Rep. Tim Gurgglemin (R-Oklahoma) held a press conference today where he lambasted “Shrill-voiced alarmists squawking about climate change.”

    The congressman said, “Those people who are voicing concerns about carbon emissions and melting glaciers are like evil parents telling their kids that there’s monsters under the bed and raging maniacs with long, sharp knives hiding in the bedroom closet. These people aren’t helping anything. Heck, I think all their hot air and heated rhetoric is what’s causing global warming–– if there even is such a thing.”

    As the congressman shuffled the pages of his speech, his body ignited and he was engulfed in flames. He ran off the stage screaming, “No questions, please. Keep cool. Vote Gurgglemin!”

  • Book Review of Timothy Geithner’s “Stress Test”

    The big book he done wrote.
    The big book he done wrote.

    TLDR