The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Star Talk Revealed

    Exclusive transcript of Jordan-Culkin-Jackson meeting
    Exclusive transcript of the incredible Jordan-Culkin-Jackson meeting

    If one ever wished to be a fly, one would wish to be a fly on the wall when three great talents met: Michael Jordan, Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. In a exclusive scoop, The Lint Screen has acquired a transcript of their 1992 conversation, saving you the bother of being transformed into a fly and going into a time machine (that’s the kind of bennies we give our readers here!).

    THE THREE GREATS OF THEIR RESPECTIVE GAMES MET FOR A RARE CONVERSATION AT A PHOTO OP ARRANGED BY THEIR PUBLICISTS IN LOS ANGELES ON JUNE 9, 1992. WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THEIR HISTORIC MEETING AND CONVERSATION. NOTE, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ON USAGE OF ANY INSIGHTS EXPRESSED.

    Jordan: So…
    Jackson: Yeah.
    Jordan: Right.
    Culkin: Yeah. Right.
    Jackson: (GIGGLES) You said it.
    Culkin: I did.
    Jackson: (GIGGLES)
    Jordan: Oh, yes, I know you did.
    Culkin: I know you know I did.
    ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 48-SECONDS. LAUGHTER DIES DOWN, FOLLOWED BY AN AWKWARD SIX MINUTES OF SILENCE.

    Jackson: Nice weather.
    Jordan: You mean today?
    Jackson: Yeah. Today.
    Jordon: Uh-huh. It is nice.
    Culkin: I like sunny days.
    Jackson: (GIGGLES) Yeah. Me, too.
    Jordan: They’re better than stormy days!
    Jackson: I’ll say!
    ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 21-SECONDS. THE LAUGHTER DIES DOWN, FOLLOWED BY A SOMEWHAT AWKWARD TWO MINUTES OF SILENCE.

    Jordon: Well, this has been fun.
    Culkin: I’ll say. Lots of fun.
    Jackson: A blast!
    Jordon: Let’s stay in touch.
    Jackson: Absolutely.
    Culkin: Yeah.
    Jordan: You guys take care.
    Culkin: You, too.
    Jackson: Play basketball! (GIGGLES)
    Jordan: It’s what I do.
    ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 6-SECONDS. LAUGHTER DIES DOWN. SHUFFLING OF FEET AS VARIOUS PUBLICISTS ESCORT CELEBRITIES AWAY.

    And… scene!

  • Man Killed in Tragic April Fools Prank

    Deadly copperhead snakes works with black widow spiders to kill man
    Deadly copperhead snakes works with black widow spiders to kill man

    April Fools Day celebrates wacky hijinks, but sometimes those shenanigans can have a dark and deadly side, as 46-year-old Tom Cronler discovered this morning outside his home in Powdersville, South Carolina.

    Cronler got into his car to go to work and was bitten repeatedly by copperhead snakes and black widow spiders that had been placed there by his practical joking 44-year-old next door neighbor, Pete Muskes.

    “It was an accident,” Muskes said. “I just wanted to give ol’ Tomcat a surprise wake up call with the spiders and snakes. I thought he’d appreciate my zany madcap stunt and maybe try and offer me an exploding cigar or something in retaliation. But I guess Tom was allergic to poison. I don’t know, it’s kind of weird to think my innocent little joke had deadly consequences, but, hey–– what can you do?”

    Muskes was arrested pending the sense of humor of a judge.

  • Georgia Passes Law Putting Churches in Gun Stores

    Let us pray, then reload.
    Let us pray, then reload. Amen

    The Georgia state legislature has passed a groundbreaking law requiring all gun stores to offer religious services.

    Rep. Phil Muffordy of Rome, Georgia explained his thinking behind the law passed today. “We were going to pass a law allowing guns in church, but I thought, why not shoot two birds with one bullet? Let’s just put the dang church in the gun store so you can worship while re-loading. Makes sense, doesn’t it? And since there’ll be armed folks ushering, I’m sure the take in the collection plates will be plentiful. My law’s proof God didn’t give us big brains for nothing.”

    When asked what denomination the churches would be, Muffordy pulled a Glock and pointed it at this reporter’s head. Then he slowly asked, “What kind of stupid question is that, boy–– you Al-Qaeda, or something?!”

    This reporter wet himself, cried and prayed.

  • Putin Kills Galifinakis

    Greek funny man killed by serious Russian madman
    Greek funny man killed by serious Russian madman

    In a classic case of misunderstanding, comedian Zach Galifinakis heard that Russian leader Vladimir Putin wanted to appear on his show “Between Two Ferns” because “he wanted to kill.” The chubby comic thought this meant that the top commie wanted to “kill” in the comedy sense of making the audience laugh. Instead, Putin appeared on the show and bludgeoned Galifinakis to death with a dull machete.

    Insiders say that the Russian leader was upset that President Barack Obama recently was a guest between the ferns and was considered funny by many people. Putin wanted “to appear strong, not like a pantywaist clown-man-child.”

    Obama appeared on “Between Two Ferns” to promote his signature legislation, The Affordable Care Act. Although the jury is still out if his appearance boosted enrollment, one body was conspicuously absent: the dead body of Zach Galifinakis.

    Ironically, he died with no insurance which was tragic since paramedics were available to treat him but instead let him bleed out due to lack of insurance.

    Pussy Riot will play at the comedian’s funeral.

  • Cat Engages In Landmark Mouse Talks

    Gemini D. Cat ready to talk turkey with mouse.
    Gemini D. Cat ready to talk turkey with mouse.

    In a historic first, a representative of the powerful feline force has agreed to embark on peace talks with a member of the mice coalition.

    Gemini, a two-year old mix breed cat, has agreed to discuss a settling of age old disputes with the mice population.

    “If they come to terms, this could be a real game changer for animal relations,” said Dr. Benjamin S. Boxtopz of the Rodney King School of Political Science at Stanford University. The doctor propped his feet on the desk and continued his lecture.

    “In 1962, talks were scheduled between Tom and Jerry but they never materialized due to the lady of house putting Tom outside. Of course, there were rumors of a peace settlement between Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner in 1980, but those rumors were squashed when an anvil mysteriously landed on Wile E. Coyote’s head.” The good doctor lit his pipe and puffed on it reflectively. “If these cat and mouse talks come to fruition, one can only hope it leads to peace talks between cats and dogs. They’ve been fighting like Arabs and Jews for eons.”

  • Zombies Coming to Downton

    The Downton crew will be scattering for dear life soon as walkers invade.
    The Downton crew will soon be scattering for dear life as hungry walkers invade.

    Guess who's coming to dinner?
    Guess who’s coming to dinner?

    Julian Fellowes, creator and writer of the popular series Downton Abbey has been under fire recently for the boredom he’s brought to the usual scintillating programing of PBS. Season Four has been lambasted as “a snooze fest” and “a royal bore.”

    But Fellowes has a plan to kick up the action.

    “In last week’s episode, Mr. Bates went off and suddenly his wife’s rapist, Mr. Green died by mysteriously stepping in front of a lorry,” said Fellowes as he made formed his long figertips into church steeples. “Well, this week, Mister Green returns–– as a zombie,” the British writer said with an evil cackle.

    Fellowes explained that Mr. Green will seek revenge for his murder at the hands of Mr. Bates, and that his appetite for human flesh will cause a chain reaction of death and zombie re-birth that will make Downton Abbey popular and gripping again for fans and critics alike. He is confident it will silence his critics.

    “The thing is, these zombies have the most atrocious dining manners. It will be positively repulsive for the Dowager Countess and Lord and Lady Grantham to tolerate. Oh, Mr. Carson and Lady Mary will be quite beside themselves. It will be delightful fun watching as the zombie plot unfold.”

    Tune in tonight.