The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Ken Upset By Barbie SI Cover

    Check out the hottie making waves worldwide
    Check out the hottie making waves worldwide

    His face may be plastic, but that doesn’t mean Barbie doll’s main man, Ken, can’t cry.

    “I can’t believe she did this to me,” said a visibly distraught Ken as he drank from a bottle of Wild Turkey. “You think you know someone, and she goes and does something like this–– parading herself almost nude to the world. It’s outrageous. I mean, I’ve been with her like half a century. Cripes, I got myself fixed and everything. Now she goes and does this. I can’t believe how she’s betrayed me,” Ken said lighting a Lucky Strike and gulping from his liquor bottle like a ‘lil Baby Burpee doll.

    “I’ve got half a mind to dump her. I mean, come on, I know what guys do when the swimsuit issue comes out, and that’s no sport that needs illustrated.” Ken fell off his bar stool and sobbed as he wet himself.

    Barbie could not be reached for comment.

  • Putin Wins Gold Medal

    Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal
    Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal

    Rooskie #1, Vladimir Putin, has scored a first for world leaders by snagging the first gold medal at the Sochi Olympic Games.

    “I defy anyone to find another country’s president who ever won any medal in Olympics history,” said a beaming Putin as he wore his gold medal on his bare chest with erect nipples responding to the cool Sochi breezes. “You think Queen Elizabeth, Obama, Merkel, Peres or Pope Francis could compete on the same level I can? And what of these so-called athletes who train their entire lives? Yes, they too are made to look foolish by my magnificence and humble, giving nature,” Putin said lighting a cigarette and kicking a stray dog.

    Indeed, fact checkers with The Lint Screen could find no record of a world leader even competing in the Olympics, except for Calvin Coolidge who had a tepid performance in the wrestling competition of the 1924 Summer games in Paris.

    As for Putin, the audience did not witness what he did to earn his medal, but the judges awarded it to him in a unanimous decision. “President Putin is truly a marvel of athleticism,” said one Russian judge. “If he chose to, I have no doubt he would win all the gold medals and in fact we would have to mine for more gold–– his glory is that impressive!”

    Putin bowed his head as he listened to the compliments laid at his altar. The Russian leader looked up and added, “Yes, and I am also not gay!”

  • Punxsutawney Phil Refuses to Show

    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he'll am-scray!
    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he’ll am-scray!

    Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and the guest of honor has said he won’t show.

    Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who the world watches every February 2nd, has issued a press release stating he won’t cast a shadow (or not) tomorrow morning. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the marmot’s release states, “I’ve read about all these drone attacks. I’m not about to be a target.”

    A doctor close to the famous groundhog said that he has been suffering panic attacks lately and fears for his life.

    Punxsutawney Phil goes on to state, “I see what happens to guys who live in caves. I read how Edward Snowden has to hide. Why of Earth should I show myself and attract attention? No thanks. Want to know the forecast? You bastards can watch the locals on the 8’s on The Weather Channel like everyone else. This furry fella’s outta here!”

    Will he show or will he surface on WikiLeaks casting tall shadows? Time will tell.

  • The Bieb Claims Chickens Caused Arrest

    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin'!
    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin’!

    Pop sensation Justin Bieber claims “fowl play” as the cause of his recent arrest for drunk driving, resisting arrest, driving without a valid license and felonious assault of boyish cuteness.

    Bieber, 19, was released on $2,500 bond and told The Lint Screen that he was “set up like a bowling pin by irate chickens.” JB claims the chicken were upset that Bieber had egged a neighbors house in the recent past and that “the chickens were kind of close to the eggs I used so they wanted revenge.”

    The pop star said that the chickens slipped moonshine liquor into his evening milk and then asked him for a ride downtown. Bieber said he liked being kind to animals and agreed to drive the chickens. He got into the car, drove, and soon after was busted. Police reports make no mention of chickens in the car or traces of feathers.

    Nonetheless, Bieber stands by his story. “Chickens did this to me. I’m innocent. Innocent and absolutely adorable,” he said combing his hair and pouting into a wall mirror.

  • Spam, Scam, Malware Hell

    Inspecting internet traffic at The Lint Screen offices.
    Inspecting internet traffic at The Lint Screen offices.

    Cyberbots, the NSA or evil no goodniks have apparently been attacking this website. I say apparently because I don’t really know, but some web security guard called recently from cyberspace (or San Francisco) and said he’d monitored an infection on The Lint Screen and offered his services to make the problem go away (in return for a sack of cash).

    He said it looked like some hacker placed malware on select TLS pages that may cause a Viagra ad to pop-up. Boner ads popping up? What next–– a call from the ironic pun police?

    I haven’t seen any problems, except for the usual deluge of spammers (comments like “I surprised with the research you made to create this actual post incredible. Fantastic activity!” and “es möglicherweise ein Tiffany & Co e verdammte notwendigkeit Pandora Schmuck” and “扥⁴桥籩猠浯獴楫敬礠瑨敼灥牨慰猠扥⁴桥籣潵 football clubs manchester united iphone 5s case 汤⁰潳獩扬礠扥” show an appreciation of our in-depth journalism and high artistic standards–– it’s enough to make an editor get all rainy-eyed. But as for the site itself, well, everything seems to working fine under the hood. The content seems contented.

    Are you experiencing any difficulty collecting Lint?

    Please let me know if you are. The security call could be a scam, or, in the future this site could be your portal to amazing discounts on all your erectile dysfunction medications.

    For now, I’m standing pat. Thanks for your vigilance in life during wartime.

  • 2013 Gets Bum’s Rush

    2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass out the door
    Retiring 2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass

    Traditionally, the new year is ushered in with great fanfare as the departing year enjoys the perks of riding off into the sunset of a secure retirement and fond memories of a life well-lived. But such is not the case for 2013!

    Thanks to new stringent laws, the retiring year will not receive any governmental support in its old age and its unemployment benefits will be bupkis. “Look, we don’t need no freeloaders,” said a congressional member enjoying his 128-day holiday break from the strains on halting progress in Washington, D.C.. “The old man will have to figure out how to feign for himself!”

    As the lawmaker scooped Bulgarian caviar onto an imported French cracker made from the bones of paupers, he continued his discourse. “The problem is that everyone these days has their hands out for some government dole. Well, I’m happy to say those days are gone. 2013’s a lazy old coot whose time has passed and he’d better learn how to pull himself up by the bootstraps and earn his keep,” the congressman said as he gulped Krug 1928 Champagne from a jewel encrusted 24-karat gold flute.

    The lawmaker then chortled as a manservant brought him broiled lobster tails and aged Kobe beef filet steaks. Infant 2012 was heard crying in the distance, fearful of being thrust into this world.

    Happy New Year!