The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Cat Engages In Landmark Mouse Talks

    Gemini D. Cat ready to talk turkey with mouse.
    Gemini D. Cat ready to talk turkey with mouse.

    In a historic first, a representative of the powerful feline force has agreed to embark on peace talks with a member of the mice coalition.

    Gemini, a two-year old mix breed cat, has agreed to discuss a settling of age old disputes with the mice population.

    “If they come to terms, this could be a real game changer for animal relations,” said Dr. Benjamin S. Boxtopz of the Rodney King School of Political Science at Stanford University. The doctor propped his feet on the desk and continued his lecture.

    “In 1962, talks were scheduled between Tom and Jerry but they never materialized due to the lady of house putting Tom outside. Of course, there were rumors of a peace settlement between Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner in 1980, but those rumors were squashed when an anvil mysteriously landed on Wile E. Coyote’s head.” The good doctor lit his pipe and puffed on it reflectively. “If these cat and mouse talks come to fruition, one can only hope it leads to peace talks between cats and dogs. They’ve been fighting like Arabs and Jews for eons.”

  • Zombies Coming to Downton

    The Downton crew will be scattering for dear life soon as walkers invade.
    The Downton crew will soon be scattering for dear life as hungry walkers invade.

    Guess who's coming to dinner?
    Guess who’s coming to dinner?

    Julian Fellowes, creator and writer of the popular series Downton Abbey has been under fire recently for the boredom he’s brought to the usual scintillating programing of PBS. Season Four has been lambasted as “a snooze fest” and “a royal bore.”

    But Fellowes has a plan to kick up the action.

    “In last week’s episode, Mr. Bates went off and suddenly his wife’s rapist, Mr. Green died by mysteriously stepping in front of a lorry,” said Fellowes as he made formed his long figertips into church steeples. “Well, this week, Mister Green returns–– as a zombie,” the British writer said with an evil cackle.

    Fellowes explained that Mr. Green will seek revenge for his murder at the hands of Mr. Bates, and that his appetite for human flesh will cause a chain reaction of death and zombie re-birth that will make Downton Abbey popular and gripping again for fans and critics alike. He is confident it will silence his critics.

    “The thing is, these zombies have the most atrocious dining manners. It will be positively repulsive for the Dowager Countess and Lord and Lady Grantham to tolerate. Oh, Mr. Carson and Lady Mary will be quite beside themselves. It will be delightful fun watching as the zombie plot unfold.”

    Tune in tonight.

  • Ken Upset By Barbie SI Cover

    Check out the hottie making waves worldwide
    Check out the hottie making waves worldwide

    His face may be plastic, but that doesn’t mean Barbie doll’s main man, Ken, can’t cry.

    “I can’t believe she did this to me,” said a visibly distraught Ken as he drank from a bottle of Wild Turkey. “You think you know someone, and she goes and does something like this–– parading herself almost nude to the world. It’s outrageous. I mean, I’ve been with her like half a century. Cripes, I got myself fixed and everything. Now she goes and does this. I can’t believe how she’s betrayed me,” Ken said lighting a Lucky Strike and gulping from his liquor bottle like a ‘lil Baby Burpee doll.

    “I’ve got half a mind to dump her. I mean, come on, I know what guys do when the swimsuit issue comes out, and that’s no sport that needs illustrated.” Ken fell off his bar stool and sobbed as he wet himself.

    Barbie could not be reached for comment.

  • Putin Wins Gold Medal

    Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal
    Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal

    Rooskie #1, Vladimir Putin, has scored a first for world leaders by snagging the first gold medal at the Sochi Olympic Games.

    “I defy anyone to find another country’s president who ever won any medal in Olympics history,” said a beaming Putin as he wore his gold medal on his bare chest with erect nipples responding to the cool Sochi breezes. “You think Queen Elizabeth, Obama, Merkel, Peres or Pope Francis could compete on the same level I can? And what of these so-called athletes who train their entire lives? Yes, they too are made to look foolish by my magnificence and humble, giving nature,” Putin said lighting a cigarette and kicking a stray dog.

    Indeed, fact checkers with The Lint Screen could find no record of a world leader even competing in the Olympics, except for Calvin Coolidge who had a tepid performance in the wrestling competition of the 1924 Summer games in Paris.

    As for Putin, the audience did not witness what he did to earn his medal, but the judges awarded it to him in a unanimous decision. “President Putin is truly a marvel of athleticism,” said one Russian judge. “If he chose to, I have no doubt he would win all the gold medals and in fact we would have to mine for more gold–– his glory is that impressive!”

    Putin bowed his head as he listened to the compliments laid at his altar. The Russian leader looked up and added, “Yes, and I am also not gay!”

  • Punxsutawney Phil Refuses to Show

    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he'll am-scray!
    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he’ll am-scray!

    Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and the guest of honor has said he won’t show.

    Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who the world watches every February 2nd, has issued a press release stating he won’t cast a shadow (or not) tomorrow morning. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the marmot’s release states, “I’ve read about all these drone attacks. I’m not about to be a target.”

    A doctor close to the famous groundhog said that he has been suffering panic attacks lately and fears for his life.

    Punxsutawney Phil goes on to state, “I see what happens to guys who live in caves. I read how Edward Snowden has to hide. Why of Earth should I show myself and attract attention? No thanks. Want to know the forecast? You bastards can watch the locals on the 8’s on The Weather Channel like everyone else. This furry fella’s outta here!”

    Will he show or will he surface on WikiLeaks casting tall shadows? Time will tell.

  • The Bieb Claims Chickens Caused Arrest

    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin'!
    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin’!

    Pop sensation Justin Bieber claims “fowl play” as the cause of his recent arrest for drunk driving, resisting arrest, driving without a valid license and felonious assault of boyish cuteness.

    Bieber, 19, was released on $2,500 bond and told The Lint Screen that he was “set up like a bowling pin by irate chickens.” JB claims the chicken were upset that Bieber had egged a neighbors house in the recent past and that “the chickens were kind of close to the eggs I used so they wanted revenge.”

    The pop star said that the chickens slipped moonshine liquor into his evening milk and then asked him for a ride downtown. Bieber said he liked being kind to animals and agreed to drive the chickens. He got into the car, drove, and soon after was busted. Police reports make no mention of chickens in the car or traces of feathers.

    Nonetheless, Bieber stands by his story. “Chickens did this to me. I’m innocent. Innocent and absolutely adorable,” he said combing his hair and pouting into a wall mirror.